DM doesn’t want to come in Christmas Day, keeping the kids presents until Boxing Day

[User545464]

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

This is a totally normal way to do things grand parents saving gifts until they can see go opening them

Bizarre. You haven’t mentioned being poor so why can’t you give your kids some extra presents and let your DM enjoy seeing them open the gifts she bought on Boxing Day.

I’m sorry but the issue is you think someone should go to the effort of buying your children presents but forgo the joy of watching them open them to increase their present count under the tree of your sake?

Is there any need for that? OP thanked posters for their opinion and acknowledged that she was likely in the wrong.

Sometimes it's better to keep your thought to yourself 🤐

It’s on me and my husband to provide the bulk of presents and give the kids a special Christmas. Anything from grandparents is a bonus for the days after Christmas.

I think your last post is the right approach.
Maybe start a new tradition of the stocking with little bits and bobs in it if you don't already do that.
And prep the kids that it's different this year.
They'll still be excited!

That's not unreasonable for them to want to see the kids open the presents they bought them.
You're being unreasonable. Also only 3 presents for a kid at Christmas is literally nothing. Why don't you buy them more yourself, rather than expect others to give theirs?

YABVU presents aren't transactional of course she wants to see the DCs faces when they open what she's given them.
We've had the opposite conversation with PIL they are coming to us for Christmas day shopping with my brother SIL, DNs and my parents. We will then travel up to PIL on boxing day and stay for a few days too see the rest of DHs family. They said about keeping DS's presents from then at their house until we go up on boxing day, I thought it was a great idea not too many at once and they get the joy of him opening his presents from them without the racket if my family and other children all over the place. Too many presents at once becomes a chore anyway.

The OP has offered to pay for a Hotel so I don’t think lack of money is the reason?

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted

oh buck up @User545464 . It will only be a “bit muted” if you simper and mope about it

I understand your point ,but surely Mum wants to see DGC open their parcels for herself? Are you doing a stocking as well? If so I think this is fine TBH. Can u pop a selection box, or some crayons /paper as well.if you want to pad it out a bit,Just to keep a perspective .There are many children who dont get presents sadly and nothing from Grandma either!

I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other

Has your mum bought some gifts on your behalf and you were expecting those for Christmas Day?

I asked my mum to pick up a couple of things for ds when she was in town. But they're gifts from me, she just bought them because she was at the shop I needed She will give them to me beforehand so ds can open them on Christmas morning and I'll give her the money for them.

Do you mean this sort of thing? Because then of course the kids should have them on Christmas morning.

Sounds like you should just stick to buying your own gifts for people and not muddying the waters if your mum can be tricky to deal with.

I’m sorry but I’m a bit confused, you’ve only bought your children 1-2 presents, and it’s your mum who is responsible for that? We all do Christmas differently but if you don’t do ‘the pile’ that’s on you, not your mum. If you want your children to have a pile of presents you need to supply that yourself.

We always exchange presents with family after the event for the gift giver. Birthdays we always make sure the birthday person has the gift on the day, but Christmas is a joint celebration.

People go out of their way to swap gifts ahead of time when they're not going to see each other over the festive season – your mum is coming on Boxing Day. Of course she'll want to watch the children's reactions as they receive their gifts. It sounds like you want her there just for her monetary value – maybe she's picked up on that vibe and that's why she's putting in her own boundaries?

Unless you are on a very tight budget . If you are worrying about the amount of presents , then buy more ! They don't have to be expensive a book , a puzzle or game , some bubble bath , some of their favourite chocolate or sweets .
It might be nice for them to receive more presents on Boxing day when they arrive.
You are not the boss of everyone .

I actually do admire you for limiting the gifts to three (presumably from you?). If you're really bothered by it, then just get them some bits and pieces to open. Your mum isn't being unreasonable at all - she wants to see them open their gifts. She is being unreasonable to dictate whether you buy your custard etc and I think if I was you (when the moment is right) I'd be inclined to have a word with her about you not appreciating her comments even if she might punish you for speaking up. When she hosts, she can host her way. When you host, you'll do it your way and you don't appreciate being made to feel less than. Just because you're her daughter, doesn't give her a free pass to dictate the terms of hosting when she is the guest.

so in the past but it’s always been tense

and you are hankering after this?

Of course she wants to see the kids open their presents. It’s up to you to provide Father Xmas presents, it’s not for your mum to bulk it out.

You want more presents for your children, you just don’t want to buy them! 😁

Our Gdcs have had their presents from us here on the 27th, after spending Christmas with the other GPs. Absolutely fine, and they were excited to have something else to open.

I dare say your dcs will feel the same.

Christmas isn't about the number of gifts, its about the people we spend it with, after losing mil, its even more important to share moments with those that won't be here forever, the kids get a 2nd day of gifts, and mil gets to watch them open them, no issue here

Sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming on Christmas Day to have loads of gifts. I think the children might enjoy having the fun spread over a few days. And there’s usually lots of other things going on too! In my experience my nieces and great nieces love opening gifts a few days later and I love watching them enjoy playing with them,

If I was you I’d wrap some stocking fillers and put them under the tree, colouring books, pens etc. My kids often seem happier with the surprise things rather than those they asked for. Plus you get Boxing Day for them to have gifts to look forward to.

What's the problem? Perfectly normal to spread present-giving across a few days, and much better for the children.

Of course your mum wants to see the kids opening the presents she bought them, not unreasonable at all.

tbh I’m not sure why you exchanged adult gifts and didn’t wait until Boxing Day for them as well. Different for passing on to any relatives you won’t see but gifts to each other could have waited.

i really think you’re being unreasonable here. Sounds like it was you who changed the goalposts by inviting bil to stay over your mum. Can’t blame her for not wanting to spend Christmas in a hotel over her own home.