DM doesn’t want to come in Christmas Day, keeping the kids presents until Boxing Day

[User545464]

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

Presents are spread over two days, I can't see
what the issue is.

Maybe buy some more gifts to go under the tree, some books, colouring pens, stickers, colouring books, pj's, shower gel, bubble bath, a game or two. Doenst have to be expensive.

🤣

It wasn’t… But thanks for proving my point 😊

Yeah sorry I think that is completely normal. My dad won’t be seeing the kids until the 27th. Where they will then receive their presents from him.
Grandparents love watching them open their presents and get the excitement. I don’t feel I would want to take that from them. Is there anyway you can bulk out their presents. Even for £10 each you could get some little bits like chocolates or fluffy socks. Things that aren’t going to be complete tat

I have always been perplexed the other way around OP!
DH’s family have always handed presents over before Xmas to go under the tree - even though we always see them Boxing Day (Plus said we could see them Xmas day this year but they declined) and I just found it so odd why they’d give them early and not see them opened if they’re seeing us over the Xmas period anyway.

I always made my kids wait to open them anyway as I thought that was part of the magic and when they were very little understanding who they were actually from.

Surely that saddest thing about MIL passing away is that she won’t be there, not that the kids will have fewer presents?! Can’t believe you really said that. It comes across as very mercenary.

This is the sort of issue which from a logical adult perspective seems totally reasonable: your mum wants to see her GC open their presents. But from a child’s perspective they enjoy the massive dopamine hit of the OTT Christmas.

you won’t win this with your DM (I have a difficult one too) so you need to reconcile yourself to the position - ultimately a bit of delayed gratification will serve your DC well

What do you think people do who don’t have a huge extended family ? You have to bump up the gifts yourself if you are worried about the children not having enough. It’s really nice that that we’ll get extra bits on Boxing Day! Lots won’t.

The OPs post does come across like that doesn’t it?

Well that’s not the point of the thread and I thought my post was quite long enough as it was. We’re all devastated, and I think a big driver of my upset is that I’m doing my best - and have been more months - to hold everything together for my family and still give my kids as brilliant a Christmas as possible under spectacularly shit circumstances after some of the worst few months of our lives.

There you go. I hope that answers your baiting.

Our kids always have chrismtas day twice. We have our own christmas day with santa gifts on the 25th then on the 26th we have christmas day with the in-laws.

2 fun days .

You can reframe this as being a Christmas you don’t have to deal with your mother- hooray!

This Christmas you can focus on the children and each other. Your husband and BiL will struggle a bit, but they won’t have your mother adding to the burden. Win!

I’m sorry but you’ve only bought your kids a small stocking and you’re complaining that your kids don’t have a lot of presents?

FGS op, that’s your job! Get out there and buy some presents for your kids.