DM doesn’t want to come in Christmas Day, keeping the kids presents until Boxing Day

[User545464]

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

Interesting how it’s normal for so many. As said, this is new to us. A point has always been made to get presents to people we’re not seeing in Christmas Day, so I thought it would be the same for my DC. That’s all. Fair enough that Boxing Day is still part of Christmas.

Managing this is just adding to the list of reasons I actually think I don’t like this all very much at all. For years now. DH and I have been saying to each other that we’re doing it for DMs and the kids. I can’t wait until they’re older and we can just save up and go on holiday.

Oh no only three presents each whatever will they do? It's hardly Christmas at all, is it?

Of course their grandma wants to see their faces and receive their thanks. The kids will be thrilled that the presents just keep coming. Let this go; nobody cares but you.

Bluntly, you are being selfish. You and your kids should focus less on the volume and more on the meaning of gifts and Christmas. It’s far more meaningful to exchange gifts in person and open them with the person who gives you the gift. If you want your kids to have a “pile” of gifts, they need to come from you/Father Christmas.

In the nicest way possible, it's not your mum's fault you've only bought 3 presents each for your 2 DC. It's not wrong for her to want to see them open her presents either.

Why only 3 gifts is there any reason?

I assume it's not money issues since you offered to pay for a hotel room.

Just buy your kids some more stuff?

I would want to see the children open presents I bought them. There is nothing wrong with that.

And I think she's right to stay at home over Christmas if things like homemade custard and gravy are important to her. Who are we to judge?

When I was growing up we got presents from family like grandparents, aunts, uncles on the day we saw them. Sometimes that was Christmas Day sometimes Boxing Day, sometimes another day between Christmas and New Year. It meant a great long festive period for us as kids.

Your DC are blessed to have people to buy them presents at all, my kids got presents from us and one uncle! Full stop.

Not normal for our family OP. Always a thing in my family that all presents are exchanged before Xmas so they can all be under the tree on Xmas morning. Everyone celebrates the event differently. No right or wrong way imo. And the issue in your case is that your DM is exchanging pressies before Xmas for other members of your extended family, so it sounds to me that she’s just being awkward as presumably she knows what you’d prefer but is trying to exert control over only you.

We do this although in-laws are here this weekend and we did gifts last night before having a roast. Christmas is a series of special moments with family and friends over the festive period in our house. Much more than one day.

Wait for it, folks as the thread progresses we are going to be told what an awful mum she is/was, which will make us all change our minds. In 10, 9, 8...

As a child, we've always had "oh look Santa got gifts for you at Nanny's", "oh look Santa came to Aunt Lucy and left something for you!" Etc etc... we basically did a complete Santa tour of the country!

Was great, we never had tonnes of presents under the tree but the few we had were carefully selected. And then we got to have more in the following days.

Same here and I loved it. Christmas was so magic getting some bits here and there for days!

@User545464 why have you only got them 3 presents?

You need to grow up. What difference does it make? You want the ‘pile’. Is that more important than the kids grab opening it with them?

Aww @User545464 I feel for you with what sounds like my mum's duplicate!

But kindly, you are unreasonable. Yes, I've made sure my parents have their gifts before xmas (thoughtfully created stockings with no crap, because mum had a tantrum a few years ago that no one makes her a stocking. No one makes me one either...) because they dont have anyone else (wonder why...). They are coming to us on 27 December and bringing my kids gifts then. Theyre also very tight and think my kids are spoiled, so it will be maybe 2 things each tops.

I don't account for other people's gifts. Our tree will look lovely and full because of us, not an expensive year either. Is your 3 gifts a rule? Are there stockings as well?

Yeah it's really.not your mum's job to ensure there are lots of presents under the tree. Surely her's would only add one or two presents? You could have bought more or spread the cost over more presents?

And what’s wrong with 3 gifts??

So santa gets the credit for everyone's presents? That's weird and ungrateful. They need to learn that aunt Lucy has been thoughtful and kind and bought them gifts.

It's a bit grinchy!

What you've described is how my family used to do Christmas when I was a child.

I would try and get your kids amped up for the fact you're extending Christmas to two days this year instead of just one.

This is completely normal. I think you're history with your DM is affecting your perspective. It's hard when your DM is abusive and difficult and natural that you'd read everything through that lens, but honestly it's completely normal she would personally give your DCs their presents rather than everything going under the tree.

I got dd1 one present 🤷🏻‍♀️ (it’s a budget-busting £1200 gaming pc but only one to open from us - I think she’ll be okay).

Why do you need to go out and buy more presents? Surely you can say to the children they will also have present/s from grandma to open on Boxing Day.

Despite having no idea what the three gifts are you’ve made this assumption. I’d guess it’s not 3 pairs of socks 🙄

We don’t know how much those 3 gifts each cost so that’s unfair.