DM doesn’t want to come in Christmas Day, keeping the kids presents until Boxing Day

[User545464]

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

Of course she wants to see the children open the presents she got them.

Yes it is fine. Spreads the fun.

I don't see the issue with Boxing Day.

I'm sorry that your mother is critical and difficult, and I understand the pressure to have everything perfect for Christmas day- that can make us a bit bonkers I think! But you're being very unreasonable, yes.

Agree, of course she wants to see them open the presents she’s got them.

It’s not your mums job to ensure there’s loads of gifts under the tree. Either buy more or set your children’s expectations.

You're being ridiculous. Who are the three presents under the tree from? Will the kids not have more presents from you/Santa to open?

Absolutely fine and pretty normal? The years were not at my mum's we normally see them and all my siblings either boxing day or the 27th and that's when the kids get all the gifts from each other/ their grandparents. I've never given a thought to them needing loads under the tree.

I wouldn't give Christmas gifts in advance to be opened on Christmas day if I was seeing the recipients on Boxing Day.

Of course she wants to see her grandchildren open the gifts she has got them.

We used to get presents for days as we were trailed round relatives, people dropping by. It's fine.

Totally fair my family always did this. We just did two days of presents. Kids need to learn it’s not about quantity. If you’re that concerned, add in a few cheap things yourself like selection boxes or something.

Sorry but I think it’s fine. I don’t think it’s fair to expect your mum to provide the wow factor. Is money tight for you? If not, there’s still time to get more presents to stick under the tree. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

Have you/Santa not got them presents?

what she is asking is perfectly fine, of course you want to see people open the presents you bought.

my dc have always got by far their majority of gifts from us/Santa.

Of course she should give the kids the presents she has brought them, I don't see the issue. They will have the presents you bought them on Christmas Day and then presents from Grandma on boxing Day.

Sorry for spelling my nails need cutting and they've taken away edit

What? You are relying on gifts from your mother to have loads of presents for the kids? That's your job!!!

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Don't be ridiculous. It's fine and normal to open presents on Boxing Day.

And kids don't need loads of gifts. It's madness to obsess over.

If the main thing youre worried about is quantity of presents under the tree, can't you just buy a few cheap extra bits and wrap them up just make it look better under the tree on Xmas morning?
Of course anyone giving presents to grandchildren would want to see them opening the presents, that's the whole point isn't it?

She's being completely normal and you're obsessing about something odd. Waiting a couple of days to see people to get presents is standard.

We are with my parents this year so DC will see PIL and get presents from them on 27th.

We have plenty of presents under the tree now, everything that has been wrapped including stuff that will be packed up on Tuesday and taken to where we will be for Christmas. You don't have to hide stuff right now. Father Christmas can bring stockings and the rest is from who it is from and appears when it appears.

YABU, of course she wants to see them
open the presents she got them! Why will there be only 3 presents under the tree, can you not get them some cheap little bits and bobs?

I think both things can be true. I think it’s fine for them to want to see them open presents and it’s only one day.

but I do also understand that feeling that the kids won’t have that magical pile! We’ve had this and end up buying some extra bits to make it look more. Extra chocs, some clothes they’ll need anyway.

I agree it’s a first world problem but the kids are young and this is what it’s about for them - presents!!

is there a way you can boost it a bit??

You're reasonable to feel however you feel about the whole thing, especially your mother's refusal to fit in with your plans and expectations (which I suspect is causing more of the stress here than whether or not the kids get their presents on Christmas day). She's reasonable to want to see her grandchildren open their gifts from her. What would be unreasonable (and completely unnecessary) would be letting it spoil Christmas for your kids.

Either nip out and add to the present pile with some cheap-but-large stuff (stuffed toys, dressing gowns, beanbags) or set their expectations and get them excited about having more than one Christmas! Think about it, you'll have no Boxing Day blues to worry about...

I can see both sides of this. I hear you about wanting the pile to look exciting and abundant. We have the same situation re family presents on Boxing Day. I solve this issue by buying a few cheaper things to add to it - eg pot of slime, a book, a card game etc.

YABU. The kids need to understand that presents come from family and where that is the case, it is appropriate that those people will see them open their presents.
Christmas Day is busy anyway and having less stuff to open so they can actually appreciate their presents is a good thing.

we spread presents over the whole Christmas period. It actually is nicer too because you get to spend time with the people giving them, rather than not, because you’ve transactional swapped gifts

Sorry it has been such a tough time for you.

I do think it’s fair for her to give the gifts in person on Boxing Day.