DM doesn’t want to come in Christmas Day, keeping the kids presents until Boxing Day

[User545464]

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

It seems ok to me. We saw my brother and sister yesterday and opened kids' presents, as that was when we were all together.

However I personally buy more than 3 presents. They get around 8 little things in their stocking and 5 or 6 medium presents from us. I realise not everyone can afford that. I'd be tempted to bulk the pile a little bit with e.g. chocolate or other low cost gifts.

Boxing Day is still Christmas, so it's fine to give gifts then. My extended family always did - including grandparents. It made it more exciting to know that more presents to were coming once Christmas Day was done as a child!

I don't think there's anything unusual with wanting to see your grandchildren open their presents or to want to give them in person.

Get a few cheap bits if you want to, but are they really needed?

I think the problem is that you have been relying on your mum to provide a magical experience for your children in the way that you should be doing instead. Lots of the PP’s wouldn’t have a problem with this because they are happy with their gifts for the kids and any extras from the extended family are a nice bonus.

I think that's unfair on the kids. You can record a video of them opening them or video call the moment. I'm all about keeping Christmas excitement alive.

My ex family, including Dad do similar. No presents at Christmas, and yes they're invited. Instead they get something (small) and put it under their tree ahead of Christmas in full view and say, these are your presents but you can't have them. Its so confusing. I've literally begged not to do that power play and say instead that Santa stopped by their house too, and to put presents out after Christmas if not coming, but ex won't. Ruins the magic of Christmas, which, for little kids is what makes it special.

My little boy is currently very concerned that I have no presents as there was nothing under the tree at his Dad's house for me. I've had to say Santa is bringing presents at Christmas to our house and those are presents from Dad's family, not Santa. Don't even get me started that gifts from there are not allowed to leave his house, and I end up having to sometimes buy whatever it is again, as he's upset.

For bigger kids, who don't believe in Santa, this might be more acceptable but I still wouldn't do it myself.

It sounds like you'll need better communication going forward but also that you're in a transition with how you do Christmas this year. It's nice when people can see the recipient open their gift.

There's only one couple that we know will buy gifts for our children so the pile of presents has always been solely on us. I think that you will need to have the same attitude going forward.

I think that’s fine. And to put it bluntly they bought the presents so they say what happens with them. In my house I’m half European so we open my European sides presents Christmas Eve, mine and my partners Christmas Day and then the parents in law Boxing Day. And we will forever keep that tradition because it’s ours and it’s special and who doesn’t love 3 days of presents. I know the kids do.

If you can afford to then buy your kids more presents. Why only 3? They are very young and as you said so excited that 3 presents is really not much at all. If money is tight you could pick some things up from charity shops, books and small items to bulk out the presents.
And yes its absolutely fine for your mother to want to watch the children open the presents that she has bought for them.

Ignore my last comment, I've just noticed that you've only got three presents! Six seems more reasonable - they dont all have to be expensive as PP have already suggested.

Your children will have gifts from you and from Santa, why do they need more
that day.

The next day is fine.

If your mother complains about food, tell her bring her own home made custard the next time as everyone prefers that and give her a job in a nice way.

If our kids are seeing someone over Christmas they open them that day, anything else would be rude, even if I purchased them or they were delivered here off an Amazon wish list and I take them to the gifters home. Everything else is Christmas Day.

Your DM is being perfectly reasonable wanting to see her DGC open their presents from her. I can’t see the issue here at all.

I’m probably showing my working class roots here but why have your DC only got 3 presents each? Do they have a stocking as well?

Let your kids open something on Christmas Day and repeat on Boxing Day, she doesn’t get to dictate Christmas in your home.

I think it’s nice for the children to spread out the fun of opening and playing with presents over the festive season. Good for the givers to see them opening them too.

I think it's you that is being unreasonable @TimeToStopLurking . Opening presents on Boxing Day spreads out the fun.

She's being perfectly reasonable. Why do they only have 3 presents each? Are they more expensive presents? Get some selection boxes and wrap them up. Or get some books.

I can’t see where it says your children only have 3 gifts?
if this is true then it’s your responsibility, not your mothers.
They are your children you are supposed to be buying them gifts?

My children always have quite a few bits to unwrap, however one is always a chocolate orange, another is regularly a pair of socks, a bag of chocolate coins, a book. Small, inexpensive bits as well as the big stuff. If you need them to have more to unwrap then so be it but don’t feel the need to spend a fortune!

My child gets some early presents on Christmas eve (this has become a tradition) from his aunt, presents from me and anyone who has given us gifts that we won't be seeing on heidtnas day, then presents from my parents on boxing day when we go to theirs. It's great, as it prolongs the opening of gifts which we all know kids love!

That's completely normal, surely? My DC will only have presents from us (or Santa) under the tree. They will get their gift from my mum and DSIS at lunchtime, from my dad on Boxing Day, and from the in-laws when we go stay over new year.

If you want them to come down to a pile of presents, I think that's your job to facilitate really (apologies if you are struggling this year. Could you blow up some balloons to make the room look 'busier'?).

This is completely normal, surely? My inlaws always came for New Year rather than Christmas and we had a second round of presents when they arrived. Their presents from us stayed under the tree for them after we opened the rest on Christmas Day.

Also if you offered a hotel surely you have enough money to pad out your kids Christmas presents? You could buy some books or whatever.

We.used to visit the children's grandma on boxing day and they'd open their gifts. It's nice they get to see them open the presents from them. You cannot control when the children get their presents just because you want them to get a pile! I'm sure they'll appreciate the 3 lovely gifts they have under the tree.

When mine were little I remember them getting over whelmed by the pile of presents. Half of the gifts were left for boxing day. I realised that a pile wasn't good for them. That was the last time I gave too many presents. They seem better with a few presents and stocking fillers. Taking time to appreciate them all, rather than ripping the paper off and looking for another!

Agree with everyone else that wanting to see the kids open the presents is totally fine and normal, I think your feelings here are clouded by other feelings about your mother.
Could you buy your kids a few more small presents? I know finances may be an issue but if you could stretch to a few more things to bulk up the pile it might make you feel better.

I was just thinking the same thing regarding the hotel. You still have a few days to get your children a few books etc.
what did they ask for?

It’s just spreads out the fun. My lovely couisn always buys my kids Christmas and birthday presents but often doesn’t deliver them until after the event. It’s like getting an additional suprise presents and ksis always remembers what she gets them.