DM doesn’t want to come in Christmas Day, keeping the kids presents until Boxing Day

[User545464]

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

Your mum sounds selfish and controlling OP. Plenty of children open presents from relatives without them being there. She could have just come Christmas Day and seen them open them then. What she really wants is control. She isn't interested in seeing their faces when they open their gifts, just having them and you do what she wants. I wouldn't invite her again. Sorry for the loss of your MIL. Your mum is really rotten to upset the plan when you're all grieving, just because you bought packet custard.

Kids usually get far too much on Christmas day which can be overwhelming. Better to spread it out so they focus on a few things at the time

So everything is saved. The kids get more presents from you and your mother gets the Christmas day she wants . Win win.
Your comment above ( as well as the original ) does show a little of how you are .
You are a tad , my way or the highway !
By that I mean you are throwing your teddies out of the pram by saying you only are doing it for others and plan get get away from it all in the future so you don't have to bother .

We see one set of grandparents on Christmas day and one on Boxing day so we have always done gifts on boxing day. I think it is nice as they are spread over 2 days then. Is also understandable that those that have bought wish to see them received.

This thread is now huge, so forgive me for not being able to read all of it now.

It would appear that there is probably a little bit of a back story between you and your mother generally, in the form of passive un-constructive criticism/unguarded remarks and unhelpful opinions. Which I do personally understand, because it stings doesn’t it?
However you have to be the ‘adult’ in the room and not let it colour your judgement.

It IS understandable that your Mother wants to see her Grandchildren’s faces when your children open their presents from her.

This is the time for you to enjoy every second of having your own children at home with you - and believe me, it passes too quickly.
Anyone here with teenagers with tell you how quickly it morphs into something else entirely. Anyone older than that will tell you how they miss seeing their grown up children’s presence on the day itself. As inevitably it’s fact of life, that they move away, have their own in-laws and arrangements, and you will have to accept that their Christmas visit will be during the season, but rarely on the day itself.

So enjoy Christmas Day ‘now’, the bit you have some control over.
Wrap up some of the things that will need in the need few months anyway, hobby type things eg new swimming/dance bag, plush PJ’s etc that will only mean a little extra on your budget & will even out over the next few months.

Your children will accept the new normal and may not even notice it!

Im confused. Why is there only 3 presents under the tree? Do dgps normally buy the bulk of your dcs presents? I don't think is very common but I understand this would be disappointing for your dc if this is what they are used to.

You need to kinda get over yourself. Regardless of all the other gripes which may be valid, she is doing nothing wrong here.

perhaps the 3 parental gifts are gold, frankincense and myrrh 😉 but what child would want those?

I don't see the problem with MIL giving gifts on Boxing Day.

Well I think your mum is wrong.

when I write labels for DGC presents it's from Santa (or satan as I wrote on one by mistake) and they go under their tree.

DD sends video of them throughout the day and we see them on Boxing Day at their house with their toys (from Santa).

I remember being dragged to relatives houses over the Christmas period and having to leave my new toys which I wanted to play with when I was DGC's age and I would be upset.

I think it's mean.

Santa is in bed all Boxing Day - recovering.

I feel like it is totally normal to do the gift opening anywhere between dec 24-31 whenever you're seeing the people.

Of course your kids will have to wait a day to open presents until they see your mum. Why on earth would you expect otherwise? I know this isn’t AIBU, but I think your reaction is very over the top and must be related to other elements of your difficult relationship? I’m sorry, Christmas makes everything harder.

Aw OP. Christmas always brings out the difficulties in family relationships, doesn’t it. No wonder you are daydreaming about spending it on a beach!

You are upset about your DM moving the goalposts. First changing Christmas Day plans, nitpicking your arrangements, then when all was settled, finding a way to get you off-balance by changing the status quo (doesn’t matter what’s ‘normal’/ how others do it, if your family always do presents on the day, she’s changing the ‘rule’ knowing it will unbalance you, which it has).

At 6 and 8 your kids will love whatever they get. Do you do a stocking for them? Bits and pieces, huge excitement, little cost? Focus on them, and their joy, and not your DM who is missing out on so much by not coming over. You don’t want them to feel the rejection you feel from your DM; they won’t, I promise.

(The thread is likely to get derailed by posters zooming in on your grabby kids not being satisfied blah blah blah, ignore them. Really. It’s about how you feel, not about that.)

Where are their stockings haven't you got all the little presents in those? Doesn't Father Christmas come in the night and leave a stocking in bedroom AND a pile of stuff in the living room for each child?

Our Xmas begins with stockings and then when allowed, children rushing downstairs for their more magical presents, things they asked for. Some years could be just a range of nice things, sometimes it could be a bike, or roller skates or a PS5, those kind of big ticket things.

Also you have to go in the living room to see if he's eaten the mince pie and drunk the drink, maybe scattered a bit of snow ...

That's all done by about 9am, then various of us get on with lunch prep, assembling toys, maybe the park or church.

The presents under the tree are non-magical! They're in plain sight for a couple of days and are from us to each other - me and DH to each other, the kids to each other and anything arrived from friends or Grandma etc - and all opened when the relevant people are there. We often open the adult presents after lunch or on boxing day.

Buy more presents? Not expensive ones.

As is the case for many things in life OP, when it comes to presents, its quality over quantity
@User545464

We don't do presents under the tree. Santa brings the bulk of the presents, so they appear magically during the night. Then anyone who wants to (relatives) gives their own present when we meet them. We give a present from us too later in the day after the excitement of Santy has died down.

You said DM sulks if she doesn't get everything exactly her own way at Xmas - so don't do the same. Or encourage your kids to.

I agree with everyone who said it's not her responsibility to make sure your kids have 'enough' presents under the tree. I assume the ones under the tree will be from you, therefore thoughtful gifts that you know they'll love?

If you only have got your dc three presents, how much would your mother bring? (My mother used to bring a whole sack full so maybe that was what you were hoping for.)

It’s fine. I had grandparents who lived an hour and a half away. It’s fair that they don’t fancy a long drive on Christmas Day, and fair that they would like to see their gifts being opened. I used to like having more presents on Boxing Day or whenever they visited. Spreads it out :)

Three presents isn’t very much, can you bulk this out with selection boxes, maybe a teddy or tow and some other bits if your budget allows? Agree it’s not your mum’s job. It IS your job to make Xmas special for children

There are a few things going on here under the surface.

1. As a family you try to get presents to recipients first Christmas Day and your mother has made is point of not doing it this year.
2. You have picked up that this us because she disapproves of your decision to host BIL and not her and brother
3. Maybe her decision is tit for tat - you have broken tradition so she is
4. Christmas with her is tense you say. She disapproves of your food choices as it not her choices.
5. As a result you don’t have her presents to add to the traditional pile under the Christmas tree that you were expecting- it is a symbol of your sense of things not being right.

As pp have said use money you’d have spent on hotels and buy your kids extra presents- stuff they would have needed anyway. That solves your present issue.

Decide how you want to feel about your mother - let her spoil your day or shrug and enjoy it. She made those choices not you. Maybe it might be a nicer more relaxed day without her disapproving and time to make your own family traditions.

Of course the person giving the gifts wants to see the gifts being opened that is perfectly reasonable . I’m sorry @User545464 but if you want your children to have more presents to unwrap then you need to provide them

Sorry OP but i do not see why you think your DM is being unreasonable or should have discussed this in advance. It sounds as if you are the one causing yourself on going stress. Reframe your expectations and it might help you to relax and enjoy your day with family more.
Your DM has come up with a good solution by visiting on Boxing Day. It is a normal expectation to want to give her granchildren their gifts and share the delight as they open them. Its different passing on gifts for others, but DGC are special.

She may have old fashioned ideas on not wanting shop bought gravy etc. Her issue, not yours. You should do what helps you to enjoy the day, but that is seperate from the present issue

If money is tight, check out charity shops and such like for some cheaper gifts that you can wrap up for Christmas Day.

I hope your family have a good Christmas and your children love all their gifts.