DM doesn’t want to come in Christmas Day, keeping the kids presents until Boxing Day

[User545464]

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

I’m sorry I wasn’t clear, they do have stockings but they are quite small. I try to spend carefully and balance the kids’ desire for quantity against spending money we don’t have.

As said, a lot has changed this year, and where previously we would have had presents under the tree from DH and I (two significant items each, BIL, MIL, DB and at least two each from my mum [her choice to do this], this year it will be less than half under the tree.
I honestly hadn’t known it was such a thing to keep presents until Boxing Day. I will find a few more things and prepare them that there will be more to come on Boxing Day .

Because she’s not seen them on Christmas Day?

It’s Boxing Day I.e still Christmas week. It’s not like you are exchanging gifts in June or something

So you just say to the kids “you’ll get your presents from grandma tomorrow” it’s really as simple as that, if you want them to have more presents you need to pay for that yourself, not expect your mum to subsidise it.

You’re being ridiculous here. It’s your job to provide what you see as appropriate on Christmas Day not your mothers. She comes the day after with her presents which you can all then open. You’ve painted yourself here as the problem tbh

Thank you. I think unbalanced is a good way to describe it. For years I feel like DH and I have compromised in every direction. We’ve done so many things that would not have been what we’d have chosen to do, to try and make a great Christmas for our mums, brothers and since we’ve had them, the kids. Gradually we tried to evolve things to reduce the stress on us, but still please everyone but it isn’t what DM wanted and hence after a lot of tricky conversations, we ended up with the Boxing Day plan. And then whoop, rug pulled on that one too, is how I was feeling, but this has really helped me understand it’s actually quite normal.

Tbh i agree you should give out gifts for Christmas not after it. And I do think it is a bit shit to give gifts and make it about YOU. My grandparents never saw me open presents, its not as nice or as generous if its about you being able to watch the unwrapping and wait for grovelling thanks.

Its not generous to only give gifts for your own enjoyment.

Of course gratitude is important, and id hope regardless your children thank people but I do think your DM is making it about what she wants not what your children would most enjoy.

Seen your update. Glad you’re seeing sense. Crazy relationships can skew your judgement on things. Focus on your day under your steam

You know it is fine that they don't have piles of presents on Thursday, you can say granny is bringing hers on Friday it will absolutely not spoil Christmas for them, and next year if you do want them to have more parcels you will just have to organise it yourself.

Set your children's expectations.

At their ages, they could do with a bit of resilience anyway. Just tell them that they will be getting a load more the next day.

As for your DMs personality, ooofe, she sounds awful but just go with the flow. You can't do anything else really.

I know I suppose some people just do not get joy out of buying presents but are fabulous so you don't care. This isn't that though. I do sometimes get her asking my daughter what do you want - but if my daughter says anything then she just says well your mum will have to get it. For my mum, the asking seems to be as good as actually buying the thing. She's never got her an advent calendar either.

It's only seeing how her other grandparents are, and other people's grandparents that has made me realise it's a bit odd. I didn't have any functioning grandparents growing up so have no real frame of reference.

I’m in the minority here but I think your kids’ joy at seeing the presents around the tree on Christmas Day is more important than your DM giving the kids their gifts in person. All seems a bit selfish to me. If I wasn’t spending Christmas Day with my nephews, I used to buy my them presents and would leave them for my sister to put under the tree on Christmas Eve from Santa. I didn’t need the recognition from the kids. I wanted them to have the same magical Christmas mornings we used to have with piles of presents under the tree.

I get you. Some adults are utterly selfish 🙄

I’ve only read OP’s posts…

It’s grim driving on Christmas Day (we did it for years) - there is actually extra traffic. So I completely understand where your DM is coming from. It would not make for a relaxing day for them at all. If you are worried about there not being many presents under the tree, then get some more - low value, maybe useful things? We always used to get new dressing gowns (when they needed them) and wrap and put under the tree. Also slippers, socks and underwear. And bath sets. To be honest, half of it (with kids) is the excitement of having lots of presents under the tree!

We have always done stockings (pillow case sized ones), that go on the end of the bed, and we set the rule (really early on) that stockings were to be opened together, on Mum and Dad’s bed, no earlier than about 7.30am. So that’s the rule, that we have now stuck to for 20 years!! It is one of the family’s favourite parts of Christmas. We all take it in turns to take an item out of our stocking. It’s all treats and low value stuff in there, but it makes the day start in a really special way.

Whatever day I see the kids over Xmas is the day they get their presents from me.
They are not missing out.
I'd be upset if I didn't get to see them opening stuff I'd bought them

Millions of people (including me, in the past) work over Christmas including Christmas Day.

We used to open presents on Christmas Eve. I prefer it. And, as others have said, it prolongs the magic. ✨

I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other.

I’m confused by this bit OP. Are you saying you’ve given her money to buy presents from you and then she isn’t bringing them? If so then she should bring them.

But if you’re upset about her not bringing presents from her that she has paid for then YABU. Completely fine and also very normal for her to come on Boxing Day and want to see the kids open presents that she’s paid for. I would expect the kids to open presents from the grandparents on Boxing Day when they see them.

Are the 3 presents from you? Do they only have 3 each because you are struggling for money or because you relied on your DM bulking them out? If it’s the latter I think it’s very unfair to rely on someone else to create Christmas magic for your kids. If it’s money wise do you have enough to go to the likes of Poundland/home bargains and wrap up cheap packets of sweets etc if you’re worried about presents under the tree, you could bulk this out quite easily for a tenner each.

Did you not actually read my post? I said what the gifts were.

Totally get the issues with your mother but as I child I used to open gifts from grandparents on Boxing Day and I was very happy. Perhaps cheap craft materials to bulk out your gifts would help.

Managing this is just adding to the list of reasons I actually think I don’t like this all very much at all. For years now. DH and I have been saying to each other that we’re doing it for DMs and the kids. I can’t wait until they’re older and we can just save up and go on holiday.

All of this is coming across as though you don’t like your family, especially your DM and you’re not enjoying spending Christmas with your DC either.

I get it in part. My “D”M is often referred to in polite company as “a bit of a character”.

I would suggest though you move your focus away from how you think your DM is not behaving as you’d wish and the resentment of having to cater for others to finding things you can take joy from.

Your DC will be this little for such a short space of time. Blink twice and they’ll be teens who won’t want to get out of bed.

It would be a real shame to wish it all away.

Your mother is being entitled, selfish and controlling. And at Christmas too! I am sorry.

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

of course it is. Why do you think it isn't?

The way you talk about your mum isn't very nice. Perhaps she shouldn't bother coming at all?

I think what she's suggesting sounds perfectly reasonable.

We're Jewish, which means (in our family) eight presents x three kids at this time of year for Hanukkah. I have developed a strategy of balancing fun, desirable gifts which more useful/cheap/fun things - a £4 box of cereal we'd never normally buy, wrapped up as a gift, or funny socks when they need new socks anyway, or a torch, a puzzle found in the charity shop etc. If you literally want more things for them to open I'd go down this route.

Your mum is generally difficult so your focus needs to be to take her power away from her and not allow her to upset you.
Make your arrangements as simple as possible and about suiting yourself first.
Its great she doesn't live near you, the less you see of stressful people the better.

My childrens favourite part of Christmas day was that they could eat what sweets they liked as Santa always filled their stocking with their favourites.
I would go out and fill that stocking full of their favourites and they will be surprised.
It sounds like you will have a nice peaceful day, so enjoy that.

You need to look at your boundaries too.
You really don't have to have hard conversations if you don't like, but you can drop the rope, be less in contact, less available and start living your life as you want.

These years fly when children are at such a lovely age as yours.
Don't waste them bent out of shape and stressed by people who bring you zero joy.

Drop that rope and look after your own health.

I can’t comment on the backstory but I think in this instance it’s fine for her to bring the presents with them.

If you are still worried about quantity I would advise two things, first have a chat with the kids and explain it’s a bit more spread out this year (you could even discuss the original meaning of Boxing Day), but also you could get a few more low value items to add and wrap now. My kids love their “own” cereals (Christmas ones maybe), multipack of favourite crisps, stationery hamper (things like blu tack and post its), new hat and gloves, pyjamas for winter, headphones, cheap football or tennis balls, slime, hoodie, water bottles, nice sandwich box, mug, craft kit from baker Ross etc. Of course only if you can afford it and don’t go mad- lots of this stuff I would buy anyway over the next few months but if you wanted a few more things they don’t have to be expensive.

Had to smile at the idea of wrapping up sone otherwise contraband cereal. One year our youngest asked for juice. I had to nip out and get a carton of fruit juice and wrap it up. She was delighted when she opened it