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Original poster

DM doesn’t want to come in Christmas Day, keeping the kids presents until Boxing Day

338 replies

User545464 · 21/12/2025 08:29

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

OP posts:
BlackCat14 · 21/12/2025 11:45

MrTwisterHasABlister · 21/12/2025 08:34

Agree, of course she wants to see them open the presents she’s got them.

It’s not your mums job to ensure there’s loads of gifts under the tree. Either buy more or set your children’s expectations.

I agree so much with this.

I think it’s really normal that children come down to presents under the tree just from their parents (aka Santa)? I didn’t realise anyone put grandparents presents under there too. When I was younger my grandparents came later in the day and we opened their presents then, they weren’t under the tree.

BunnyLake · 21/12/2025 11:48

billiongulls · 21/12/2025 11:21

We don't do presents under the tree. Santa brings the bulk of the presents, so they appear magically during the night. Then anyone who wants to (relatives) gives their own present when we meet them. We give a present from us too later in the day after the excitement of Santy has died down.

Where does he leave them?

redskydelight · 21/12/2025 11:49

User545464 · 21/12/2025 09:42

Interesting how it’s normal for so many. As said, this is new to us. A point has always been made to get presents to people we’re not seeing in Christmas Day, so I thought it would be the same for my DC. That’s all. Fair enough that Boxing Day is still part of Christmas.

Managing this is just adding to the list of reasons I actually think I don’t like this all very much at all. For years now. DH and I have been saying to each other that we’re doing it for DMs and the kids. I can’t wait until they’re older and we can just save up and go on holiday.

It sounds like you don't really get on with your mum so having her for a single day on Boxing Day is probably much better for everyone, than a prolonged Christmas.

But ... I suspect that, while you realise this, you are upset that you don't have the perfect relationship with your mother that you probably see others have. It's the cosy grandparent/daughter/grandchildren relationship that your crave - but that's not actually possible.
Fixating on presents is a way for you to be in control. When my DC were that age, we didn't have a lot of money, so I bought stuff cheaply or second hand, and wrapped up things like shower gel and bubble bath that were inexpensive, to give them a big pile. I think you need to think more about how you want your Christmas to be rather than the (potentially perceived) desires of your mother and children.

(If your aunt is paying for a day out, can't you make a "voucher" and wrap that - that would be one more present).

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations
BunnyLake · 21/12/2025 11:54

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 21/12/2025 11:12

Well I think your mum is wrong.

when I write labels for DGC presents it's from Santa (or satan as I wrote on one by mistake) and they go under their tree.

DD sends video of them throughout the day and we see them on Boxing Day at their house with their toys (from Santa).

I remember being dragged to relatives houses over the Christmas period and having to leave my new toys which I wanted to play with when I was DGC's age and I would be upset.

I think it's mean.

Santa is in bed all Boxing Day - recovering.

I never wrote santa on my kids presents and their gp’s always said from gp’s. When I was a kid none of our presents were from Santa either. Do your gc think you don’t buy them anything?

eyeofthundera · 21/12/2025 11:57

I’m seeing my aunty Boxing Day and have said that I would rather her presents are opened on Boxing Day. Our kids have a present from Santa, one from us and a stocking.

I prefer opening them over a few days as the kids are a bit overwhelmed with lots of toys. Also I think it’s nice to be there with the person that gave the present.

I think the real reason you are irritated is the criticism from your mum and the present thing is the final straw. Xmas is so hard with family dynamics. I’m with you on shop bought gravy and custard- it’s the time spent with the children and memories made on the day. Same goes for the amount of presents.

be kind to yourself and try to adjust expectations. I think it’s prob good your mum isn’t there for Xmas dinner, so you can enjoy your day without criticism

billiongulls · 21/12/2025 12:01

BunnyLake · 21/12/2025 11:48

Where does he leave them?

Show quote history

Just in the living room, not under the tree though

JayJayj · 21/12/2025 12:04

I think the problems you have with your mum is clouding your judgement on this one. It’s absolutely normal to want to want to see them open their gifts. I also think that getting lots of new toys can be overwhelming so at least they will have some to open and play Christmas Day, then again the next day.

MyCrushWithEyeliner · 21/12/2025 12:07

This takes me back to being a kid. One set of Grandparents would visit on Boxing Day, with gifts, and stay the night. I’d love seeing them and it’s good to stagger receiving and opening gifts.

Stompingupthemountain · 21/12/2025 12:11

User545464 · 21/12/2025 09:42

Interesting how it’s normal for so many. As said, this is new to us. A point has always been made to get presents to people we’re not seeing in Christmas Day, so I thought it would be the same for my DC. That’s all. Fair enough that Boxing Day is still part of Christmas.

Managing this is just adding to the list of reasons I actually think I don’t like this all very much at all. For years now. DH and I have been saying to each other that we’re doing it for DMs and the kids. I can’t wait until they’re older and we can just save up and go on holiday.

Why wait? Stop inviting your mum, clearly there are more difficulties there than what you’ve divulged here. Take the kids on holiday next Christmas. Or just have a quiet Christmas at home and make it very clear to everyone you’re not hosting. Don’t ask them if they’re ok with it or ask permission. Just do what it is YOU actually want.

Itsjusttoomuchtoday · 21/12/2025 12:12

User545464 · 21/12/2025 09:42

Interesting how it’s normal for so many. As said, this is new to us. A point has always been made to get presents to people we’re not seeing in Christmas Day, so I thought it would be the same for my DC. That’s all. Fair enough that Boxing Day is still part of Christmas.

Managing this is just adding to the list of reasons I actually think I don’t like this all very much at all. For years now. DH and I have been saying to each other that we’re doing it for DMs and the kids. I can’t wait until they’re older and we can just save up and go on holiday.

What are these 6 presents which costs the same as a holiday?

chargarl · 21/12/2025 12:13

This present issue is not the real issue. It's the backstory which is the real issue.
She is not being unreasonable about the present thing. People want to see kids open the things they have bought them and see the joy on their faces and maybe even play with them with whatever it is or help them set it up. It's the joy of giving.
In our family it's completely normal to get presents from people when you see them rather than have them all on Christmas Day. It spreads the fun out a bit and stops kids getting overwhelmed.

You only buying 3 presents for each of your kids is not your DM's problem to solve. If you wanted them to have more things to unwrap and a bigger pile then you should have planned for that. You still could buy a few things. This is assuming you could afford to buy a few more things. If you can't afford it then you have to manage your children's expectations and also explain that they'll get their present from Granny when they see her on Boxing Day.

3 presents is perfectly ok. I live in Austria and kids get 1 larger present and couple of smaller things from the Christkind and that's it. They don't go in for massive piles of presents here. And the kids are perfectly happy with what they get. It's all about expectations.

Parker231 · 21/12/2025 12:15

User545464 · 21/12/2025 09:42

Interesting how it’s normal for so many. As said, this is new to us. A point has always been made to get presents to people we’re not seeing in Christmas Day, so I thought it would be the same for my DC. That’s all. Fair enough that Boxing Day is still part of Christmas.

Managing this is just adding to the list of reasons I actually think I don’t like this all very much at all. For years now. DH and I have been saying to each other that we’re doing it for DMs and the kids. I can’t wait until they’re older and we can just save up and go on holiday.

Of course they can wait to Boxing Day so she can enjoy seeing them open her presents. It’s a good way of spreading out opening the presents.

TonTonMacoute · 21/12/2025 12:18

At that age I would have been delighted to have got more presents on Boxing Day.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 21/12/2025 12:22

@BunnyLake

When my DGC stop believing in Santa they will start sending out thank you notes to whoever sent them, as they will 'know' 😉 as they do (are helped to do) after their birthdays.

Their presents 'magically' appear under the tree when they're all asleep on Christmas Eve. I don't want to be the one to shatter that illusion. I remember the excitement of believing in Santa and being determined to stay awake all night....

I know that, this year, they still truly 'believe'.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/12/2025 12:25

It’s easy just to get lots of bits and bobs. Things your kids need etc. I always saved things up for dd from about the start of October so she had a haul at Christmas.

SillyGoose33 · 21/12/2025 12:25

Me and my sister along with our husbands and kids visit my parents on Boxing Day . The kids love it because they know its another day of gift giving and receiving . Ofcourse your mum wants to see your kids opening their presents off her

Swash89 · 21/12/2025 12:27

Yabu.

Hankunamatata · 21/12/2025 12:29

It's kind of the whole point of present buying. The gratification you see of someone opening a thoughtful gift you have brought them.
You mum is totally right. It's not her fault you don't have as many gifts under the tree.
If you want quantity then buy lots small bits and wrap them individually

dontbeataboutthebush · 21/12/2025 12:30

I think it’s fair she wants to see them open it. Is she aware of how little they have under the tree?

could you do a little quick pound land dash to bump up volume a little? Lots of I need a whisk sites giving things away too. Perhaps do a post in your area if things are really tight. If I were local to you would be happy to donate a few bits for the kids.

Ultimately remember the kids will remember who was around the tree rather than what was under it and will value the time spent with them.

TorroFerney · 21/12/2025 12:32

User545464 · 21/12/2025 08:43

Helpful, thank you. Everything is different his year. We’re just getting used to it. Perhaps part of the problem is that she didn’t discuss it, which is also another ongoing challenge. For other people I’ve seen her go out her way to ensure they’ve had their gifts for Christmas Day, so when we said we’d swap to meet, I thought that included the kids gifts. I can see I was obviously wrong to assume. I’ll get over it and try and get some more bits and pieces together for the kids.

It's not about the presents !! In isolation what she is doing is fine. But you can't view it in isolation because of the backstory and the baggage.

Last year, my mum gave my daughter (her only granddaughter) her usual present of cash in a card probably third week in November. My mum doesn't know this as my daughter is very polite but she was upset and furious with grandma about this as it illustrated to her how my mum just cannot be arsed to put any effort in and in my daughters mind it was as if Grandma was saying right that's sorted now, that's off my to do list whereas my FIL puts effort, asks what she wants, we get it as he is 89 but he wraps and presents it to her and seems to like her (and me as well which is mind blowing).

If i was to post aibu that daughter is upset she got given £30 in a card in November for Christmas then I expect I would be told my daughter is ungrateful etc etc. But this was just another example of what my daughter knows and, being 14 at the time, my daughter thinks there is something wrong/unloveable about her rather than realising it's my mum's issue.

See also promising an easter egg and just not bothering to buy it a few years ago , agreeing to meet for a coffee, not bothering to make a note of the time, guessing and getting it wrong and then not considering apologising when I assume something has happened. All in my childs mind prove that there is something wrong with her (my child). Sorry a huge tangent but op I know where you are coming from.

momager22 · 21/12/2025 12:32

I think It would be nice if you taught your kids that Christmas isn’t all about gifts. You sound a bit grabby imo.

Sassylovesbooks · 21/12/2025 12:33

My BIL has given my son presents on Boxing Day or even after that, in the past!! His is mostly laziness, rather than because he wants to see my son open presents though! We've always been honest with our son, told him he may not receive anything from my BIL or it could be late. Therefore, our son's expectations are realistic, based on how my BIL can be. If you were relying on your Mum's presents to bolster your children's pile, then you need to explain to them that they won't receive Nanny/Grandma's until the following day, so the pile might not be as big. Explain in simple terms, that they will understand. I appreciate your Mum can be difficult, but her giving presents on Boxing Day, to me, isn't a huge deal.

EleanorReally · 21/12/2025 12:36

actually you are not being ridiculous
she is
most children surely would open their presents on christmas day?

BunnyLake · 21/12/2025 12:37

TorroFerney · 21/12/2025 12:32

It's not about the presents !! In isolation what she is doing is fine. But you can't view it in isolation because of the backstory and the baggage.

Last year, my mum gave my daughter (her only granddaughter) her usual present of cash in a card probably third week in November. My mum doesn't know this as my daughter is very polite but she was upset and furious with grandma about this as it illustrated to her how my mum just cannot be arsed to put any effort in and in my daughters mind it was as if Grandma was saying right that's sorted now, that's off my to do list whereas my FIL puts effort, asks what she wants, we get it as he is 89 but he wraps and presents it to her and seems to like her (and me as well which is mind blowing).

If i was to post aibu that daughter is upset she got given £30 in a card in November for Christmas then I expect I would be told my daughter is ungrateful etc etc. But this was just another example of what my daughter knows and, being 14 at the time, my daughter thinks there is something wrong/unloveable about her rather than realising it's my mum's issue.

See also promising an easter egg and just not bothering to buy it a few years ago , agreeing to meet for a coffee, not bothering to make a note of the time, guessing and getting it wrong and then not considering apologising when I assume something has happened. All in my childs mind prove that there is something wrong with her (my child). Sorry a huge tangent but op I know where you are coming from.

Show quote history

Strange isn’t it. I’m not a grandma yet but when I am I will be so excited to go out and buy my gc’s physical presents. I know by the time they’re late teens money will be more appreciated but I’ll probably still want to buy a token physical present. My mum always bought my kids physical presents because she was local but their other one sent money because she was too far away, and they never minded that.

Horserider5678 · 21/12/2025 12:37

User545464 · 21/12/2025 08:29

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

Just get over it! She wants to see her grandchildren open the gifts she bought them! Your children need a lesson in quality over quantity, there are thousands of children who will get nothing on Christmas Day! Time talk to them about the true meaning of Christmas!

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