DM doesn’t want to come in Christmas Day, keeping the kids presents until Boxing Day

[User545464]

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

Why would it go against the magic to have a present from their grandma?
Do your kids only get one gift AT ALL?

I’m not mad on Christmas but making it magical for my children has been a highlight of my life. What a shame you sound so disconnected from that. Don’t worry, when they’re older with their own kids you can have as many Christmas’s without them as you want.

Santa brings the presents from your children's grandparents too? That's weird. If not how does the GP presents arriving a day later impact the Santa story at all?

Your mum’s plan sounds fine. Buy a few extra presents if you want them to have a big pile but it’s not really necessary- three well-chosen presents sounds fine so don’t be swayed by what you see on SM.

I do think it’s an adjustment when your family size and shape changes- we’re going through this now with our parents’ generation dying but our children not yet old enough to have partners and children of their own. A sort of hourglass shape and we’re in the skinny middle bit.

Where are all the presents from you?? I don’t think this is an issue with your DM at all. It sounds like you’re a bit embarrassed about your kids not having much to open on Christmas Day. That’s on you isn’t it?

Get on Amazon / Next / John Lewis / Next now and order them some more stuff if you feel that bad. It will all get here in time.

Problem solved.

Haha let’s hear what the presents are then. OP? Hopefully not a colouring book, pencils and an orange.

Don’t understand this post. What do you mean they put presents under the tree but the children are told they can’t have them?

This. Family are coming to us on Boxing day. Our presents to the grandchdren and presents to them from my mum will be opened at our house on that day. Perfectly reasonable of your mum to want the same.

Can you afford to by your children some more presents so they have more to open on Christmas Day?

We’re going to my parents house on Christmas Eve and we will exchange and open presents then and then on the 27th we we will be doing the same with my partners family so everyone gets to see everyone open each others presents, everyone gets to spend some time together and no one has to have the stress of travelling around on Christmas Day 🤷‍♀️

We’re actually going to our friends house this afternoon to do our present exchange and it does feel a bit wrong to be opening presents so early but we’ve decided we’re going to do it anyway so we can see each others reactions 🤷‍♀️😂

I'm confused, is it that instead of 5 presents under the tree, 2 of them being from DB and DM there's now just going to be 3, is that such a huge difference that it will spoil your children's day? Or is it you are depending on them giving more than 1 present thus bulking up the gifts your children have come to expect much more?

Who are the 3 presents from? You?

Were you going to use hers to pad out the 3 you got (sounds like it).

How very middle class mumsnet😁. Of course, skiing over Christmas, it’s so obvious 😂

You cannot rely on other people to make your children’s pile of Christmas presents look big. Buy some stocking filler presents instead.

Are you not buying them any presents yourself?

Some people spread the gift opening over a few days. We like to do it all on Christmas day! I find gift giving and receiving stressful - most things I don't want, I have enough, more than enough. I find watching others opening gifts awkward - the pressure to like the gift. I understand and accept others enjoy it.
I am with the op but would recommend taking the easy path to maintain good family relationships. Merry Christmas

We have also always done this.

So much better for the kids, spreads out the opening, reduces overwhelm and double the joy of opening presents.

We all have different ways of dealing with family. We alternate Christmases with our family and in-laws. Things have changed in terms of presents as DD is a teenager. But tree presents are never from Santa, we all have stockings, and she had a few extras from Santa, but big presents are always from us. And the animals

Sorry for your loss first of all.
I too think presents on Boxing Day is fine and spreads out the fun, no biggie.
There seem to be much bigger issues to consider and maybe sort re your mother, and your relationship with her.

I don’t understand sorry why haven’t you bought your kids any presents

Fancy your mum missing Christmas day with you and the kids, just because you have shop bought sauces, and making your brother miss it too! You were very kind to offer to pay for a hotel too.
If you want your kids to have piles of presents on the day that's up to you to organise though, as others may choose to give them money instead, or wait until they see the kids, like your mum.

In my house, Santa was just the delivery man. Everyone wrapped their presents and sent them to Santa for him to bring, and he brought us one present himself.

Santa went to my house, my grandads house and my Nanna’s house, and we trailed round all of them on Christmas Day to open them. In the frenzy of gift opening and with my siblings I think it would have been tricky to keep track of who bought what if they were all together on Christmas morning.

The wow factor of Christmas morning was entirely on my mum and dad, exactly as it should be.

I think it’s a bit odd that someone who cares about the wow factor has only bought three presents for each child. What if DM bought only one present - 4 presents is still hardly a wow factor.

You sound a bit entitled tbh. Relying on gifts from other people to fill out the presents under the tree… this is not how it works. Also not sure how much difference 3 gifts makes.

@Ughhhhh77

Right…so the ‘Santa present’ can happen on Christmas Day, and their grans presents on Boxing Day… problem solved and ‘magic’ preserved.

Yep, do that 🎅 Overall, I think your mum's plan is better - she has her proper gravy at home, your DC get an extended Christmas, you don't pay for a hotel, and you won't be on edge waiting for the next criticism on the day.

Are you normally very set on presents being perfect? This is your calming reminder that, when doing extra ones for children to have 'something else to open', any entertaining or edible things will do. Amazon's still doing pre-Christmas deliveries, or just go mad in Home Bargains or somewhere. Don't forget to buy more wrapping paper!

Agree. The children's enjoyment of Christmas isn't based on the number of presents anyway? Hopefully.