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Original poster

Choosing between dying dad and sick baby

244 replies

Copenhagener · 17/12/2025 11:56

Currently in a headspin about what the right thing is to do.

My dad is dying, but my baby may need to be hospitalised.

I am from the UK, but live abroad with my 1 year old daughter.

I don’t have the warmest relationship with my parents (affairs, emotional distance, etc). In July, my dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma (very aggressive brain cancer). I flew to the UK immediately to see him, but he was in denial, saying he would outlive the diagnosis and barely spoke to me the week I was there, or bother to get to know my daughter. It was heartbreaking. He refused all treatment to ‘go natural’ to beat it.

A week ago, he suffered a massive stroke and was left paralysed on one side, incontinent and barely able to speak. He is dying but still won’t admit it.

I intended to visit before Christmas as he’s got weeks or even just days left.

Today my daughter was diagnosed with a bad chest infection and given penicillin, and a warning she will need to be potentially hospitalised if there is no improvement by Friday. They want to see her tomorrow morning for a check-up too.

I feel torn. My partner is supporting me, but I can’t drag a sick baby on a plane to a dying man. I also can barely bring myself to leave her - I’ve never seen her like this and she needs me.

What would you choose to do? I feel frozen.

OP posts:
ThisHazelPombear · 17/12/2025 15:43

Tbh when it’s that bad with hemiplegia and incontinence there’s not much you as a relative can do because it’s all medically managed.

When dh died all I could do was sit there. Head and neck cancers are known for having high mortality rates.

I hope your daughter recovers quickly.

Aimtodobetter · 17/12/2025 15:43

I'm so sorry and wishing you all the best for your baby (and your dad). You did the right thing and if your parents were thinking straight they would agree.

Ddakji · 17/12/2025 15:47

Oh my goodness @Copenhagener. Keeping everything crossed you you and baby xxx

pontipinemum · 17/12/2025 15:48

I hope you little girl gets better soon. It is so scary taking them to hospital when they are little.

I would have chosen baby too.

Hopefully she will be better soon and you can get a flight in a few days. I am guessing you are in Denmark so you could even do a day trip if you wanted (of course depending how close your parents are to an airport)

AngelicKaty · 17/12/2025 15:48

Copenhagener · 17/12/2025 15:37

Update:

Baby has taken a big turn for the worse. We’re at the hospital now after doctors said it was essential we go in now.

You were right - I couldn’t have forgiven myself if I’d gotten on the flight today knowing she was rushed into the hospital.

Please wish my little girl luck. I won’t be updating more tonight.

Wishing you all the luck in the world for your baby's recovery OP - I'm sure the hospital will take excellent care of her and you are absolutely in the right place; by her side.
Also, just to reassure you, hearing is the last sense to be lost when dying - your dad will hear your messages. 💐

Cranarc · 17/12/2025 15:51

I came on to say the baby is 100% the priority here and that the only thing to do is stay with baby at least until out of danger. I am sorry to read that things have got worse for now and hope baby is better soon. I also hope you are able to visit your dad.

whymadam · 17/12/2025 15:52

Ddakji · 17/12/2025 14:30

Unhelpful and inaccurate - where has the OP said she lives half a world away from her parents (her choice, btw)? And she’s said that her dad isn’t a bad person.

Show quote history

If you read the OP's post again, you will see she lives abroad and does not have a warm relationship with her father. At least, that's what I understood.

Dinoswearunderpants · 17/12/2025 15:52

I'm sorry you're going through this. Baby is in the best place and will hopefully make a speedy recovery.

You were in an impossible situation and sadly if you're not there at the end (My Dad passed last year and it sounds like your Dad only has days left) then it can't be helped.

You saw him and tried when he was capable of interacting. You don't need any guilt. Sending hugs.

ilovesushi · 17/12/2025 15:56

Stay with your baby. No question. Let go of the guilt and do what your heart is telling you.

Ddakji · 17/12/2025 15:57

whymadam · 17/12/2025 15:52

If you read the OP's post again, you will see she lives abroad and does not have a warm relationship with her father. At least, that's what I understood.

Show quote history

So? Half a world away makes it sounds like she lives in Australia, when for all we know she lives in France.

And if you’d read her updates, which isn’t hard to do, you would see her say, quite clearly, that her dad isn’t a bad person and his illness has changed him.

Anyway, it’s all moot now as unfortunately the baby has taken a turn for the worse.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/12/2025 15:58

Sorry for the situation you are in.

Baby First.. always.

Your partner is going down with the same infection.
They wouldn't thank you for turning up and passing it on to them or indeed your dad.

They are guilt tripping you, which is very unfair and unkind, but there is nothing you can really do to help your dad now. He's too near the end. You rushed to see him when he was diagnosed. If you did turn up, you wouldn't change their minds.

Your partner sounds kind and I hope that your little one is soon on the mend. Sorry that your Dad is on his way out though. I hope this difficult time passes quickly. Flowers

Minnowsmouse · 17/12/2025 15:59

Your child 100%.

CandyCaneKisses · 17/12/2025 16:01

I would see how the baby’s check up goes and then fly to see my dad. You may not get the chance ever again whereas baby’s father can be with them for a couple of days.

Vivaldi85 · 17/12/2025 16:06

Go see your father, could be your last chance. Your partner can look after your child. Baby on antibiotics will be sleeping most of the time anyway.

yolopp · 17/12/2025 16:07

Devils advocate here but your husband/baby's father is there to take care of your child. Presumably he is responsible enough? Like I say, just devils advocate! It's always Mums job to spin all the plates, nothing wrong with Dads stepping up occasionally.

It's really hard as a mum but this is literally life and death. Perhaps think about how it might impact you if you do visit your dad.

BinNightTonight · 17/12/2025 16:09

Well wishes to your little girl. I think you made the right decision x

Iliketulips · 17/12/2025 16:11

Hope your little one is OK. She has to be your priority right now.

If your father is capable of speaking/watching you on a phone, that could be an option, so you know you've had contact.

Bluehels · 17/12/2025 16:11

Your baby needs you.

Shufflebumnessie · 17/12/2025 16:11

Without hesitation, your baby is priority. I'm sorry to hear about your dad but your baby comes first. I hope she's on the mend very soon.

PfizerFan · 17/12/2025 16:12

I'd go see my dad, and partner could take care of baby.

Lunde · 17/12/2025 16:17

Vivaldi85 · 17/12/2025 16:06

Go see your father, could be your last chance. Your partner can look after your child. Baby on antibiotics will be sleeping most of the time anyway.

RTFT - or at least OP's posts

Baby has taken a turn for the worse and is now being urgently admitted to hospital

Lunde · 17/12/2025 16:18

yolopp · 17/12/2025 16:07

Devils advocate here but your husband/baby's father is there to take care of your child. Presumably he is responsible enough? Like I say, just devils advocate! It's always Mums job to spin all the plates, nothing wrong with Dads stepping up occasionally.

It's really hard as a mum but this is literally life and death. Perhaps think about how it might impact you if you do visit your dad.

Read OP's posts - baby now in hospital

Bloopbloopbleep · 17/12/2025 16:23

I've been in this situation and I chose baby. And I adored my mum, and she adored me.

It's an impossible situation and I do sometimes have regret, but I knew its what she would have done in my shoes. She always chose us.

Lunde · 17/12/2025 16:24

💐💐💐

Sorry to hear that your baby is now in hospital OP. You know that you've done the right thing by staying as it would have been awful to have got the news on a flight.

I know from experience with little ones that chest infections can go downhill very quickly and sometimes become pneumonia despite antibiotics. My personal record is 8 hours between routine visit at the asthma clinic where DD's lungs were clear to an emergency hospital admission.

Lunde · 17/12/2025 16:26

yolopp · 17/12/2025 16:07

Devils advocate here but your husband/baby's father is there to take care of your child. Presumably he is responsible enough? Like I say, just devils advocate! It's always Mums job to spin all the plates, nothing wrong with Dads stepping up occasionally.

It's really hard as a mum but this is literally life and death. Perhaps think about how it might impact you if you do visit your dad.

Oh so you mean being a dutiful daughter to a distant father takes precedence over being with your baby in hospital?