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Original poster

Choosing between dying dad and sick baby

244 replies

Copenhagener · 17/12/2025 11:56

Currently in a headspin about what the right thing is to do.

My dad is dying, but my baby may need to be hospitalised.

I am from the UK, but live abroad with my 1 year old daughter.

I don’t have the warmest relationship with my parents (affairs, emotional distance, etc). In July, my dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma (very aggressive brain cancer). I flew to the UK immediately to see him, but he was in denial, saying he would outlive the diagnosis and barely spoke to me the week I was there, or bother to get to know my daughter. It was heartbreaking. He refused all treatment to ‘go natural’ to beat it.

A week ago, he suffered a massive stroke and was left paralysed on one side, incontinent and barely able to speak. He is dying but still won’t admit it.

I intended to visit before Christmas as he’s got weeks or even just days left.

Today my daughter was diagnosed with a bad chest infection and given penicillin, and a warning she will need to be potentially hospitalised if there is no improvement by Friday. They want to see her tomorrow morning for a check-up too.

I feel torn. My partner is supporting me, but I can’t drag a sick baby on a plane to a dying man. I also can barely bring myself to leave her - I’ve never seen her like this and she needs me.

What would you choose to do? I feel frozen.

OP posts:
Cnon · 17/12/2025 13:57

@Copenhagener Sorry about your Dad, Husband and baby.

Big hugs to all of you!

MarioLink · 17/12/2025 14:00

Stay with your sick baby. You don't sound very close to your father (no judgement I don't speak to mine at all) so I think you would regret not being woth your sick baby when she needs your comfort more.

AprilinPortugal · 17/12/2025 14:03

PashaMinaMio · 17/12/2025 12:07

Baby. She is the future.
Your dad is not.

He may not be the future but he is her past. Fair enough if they're not close I guess, and of course the baby comes first if she is very ill, but he has been OPs dad for however many years she has been alive. She won't ever see him again. He is important too, not to be dismissed like that.

Ddakji · 17/12/2025 14:04

Gosh, what a very difficult situation all round @Copenhagener. Fingers crossed that your baby continues to respond well to antibiotics, your DH gets better too and you’re able to see you dad soon.
Is there any way your ILs could come out to help? A big ask, I realise.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 17/12/2025 14:06

See how your baby responds to the antibiotics but stay available for your daughter.

You travelled to see your father recently; most importantly he's sleeping 90% of the time.

Your daughter will need you if she does have to go into hospital in a way that honestly your father doesn't.

It will likely be that your mother and sister will be very unhappy with your choice and they won't forget it. It could mean some considerable difficulties with them ahead. There are problems with either choice.

But that doesn't alter the fact that if your daughter needs to go to hospital, she comes first.

Hopefully she will respond quickly to antibiotics and you can go very soon.

nosleepforme · 17/12/2025 14:08

It’s really hard not to be able to go, of course you want to. But your kids have to come first. If her checkup is okay you could potentially go, but not right now.

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 17/12/2025 14:09

Baby first. I would say that even if your dad had been a good one. I actually bet that you are probably hesitating more than you would if you had had a warm relationship. With a problematic relationship, there is always the illusion that the things left unsaid could rectify things. They couldn't. I'm very sorry for the painful situation that you're in, but you need to put the baby first.

thepariscrimefiles · 17/12/2025 14:09

Copenhagener · 17/12/2025 12:09

Just to add:

My mum is blowing up my phone telling me to fly back asap. My father is sleeping 90% of the time now, can’t get out of bed, or hold a conversation. She says she needs my help. When her parents were unwell she prioritised her parents and left us alone / with relatives for weeks at a time, so she expects me to do the same as she did. My sister (estranged) is also telling her I’m selfish and cruel for not dropping everything and coming over.

But it’s decided: I am going to stay here with my little girl. It’s a shit situation, but you’re all right: baby comes first.

I presume that your mum is telling you what your sister has said?

I'd choose my baby every time, no question. Neither of your parents or your sister have every been nice to you so you need to prioritise your own family, particularly as your baby daughter is so poorly and might need to go into hospital.

totalrocket · 17/12/2025 14:11

Baby first

Howards · 17/12/2025 14:13

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 17/12/2025 14:09

Baby first. I would say that even if your dad had been a good one. I actually bet that you are probably hesitating more than you would if you had had a warm relationship. With a problematic relationship, there is always the illusion that the things left unsaid could rectify things. They couldn't. I'm very sorry for the painful situation that you're in, but you need to put the baby first.

With a problematic relationship, there is always the illusion that the things left unsaid could rectify things. They couldn't.

I don't think you can possibly say that as a generalisation. I wasn't there when my dad died but I was during his 6-month-long illness beforehand. And I did a lot of healing during that time. He was stripped of his physical forbearance and became vulnerable and gentle(r). Some of the fear left and I saw a different person. It helped. Did it fix everything? Of course not - but it helped.

whymadam · 17/12/2025 14:14

Hoppinggreen · 17/12/2025 13:28

I probably wouldn't go even if my baby wasn't ill

I've been thinking this - not about my dad, he was the best - but yeah, why go at all? Also have you noticed how people in NC or estrangement situations always seem to have regrets after someone dies? I guess the meanness fades after a while and they start imagining things could have been better.

LondonLady1980 · 17/12/2025 14:14

If I were you, I would 100% choose to prioritise my baby.
Absolutely no question.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2025 14:16

Your child comes first.

With such an aggressive cancer there is nothing you can do for your dad and your mum needs to stop blowing up your phone.

whymadam · 17/12/2025 14:16

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 17/12/2025 14:09

Baby first. I would say that even if your dad had been a good one. I actually bet that you are probably hesitating more than you would if you had had a warm relationship. With a problematic relationship, there is always the illusion that the things left unsaid could rectify things. They couldn't. I'm very sorry for the painful situation that you're in, but you need to put the baby first.

Absolutely this, and I have seen this over and over.

Ratherubbish · 17/12/2025 14:19

Although the priority is baby, is it far to travel? If you do go, it is a trip for your dad, and for yourself, not anyone else. Maybe wait for tomorrow and see how baby is, and take a day trip?

FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 17/12/2025 14:21

When I saw the title, my instinct was to see your Dad. But your baby sounds quite sick. She needs her Mum. And your Dad acting like a prick should assuage your guilt. As a PP said, maybe if baby is better on Monday, you could go for one day.

whymadam · 17/12/2025 14:22

AprilinPortugal · 17/12/2025 14:03

He may not be the future but he is her past. Fair enough if they're not close I guess, and of course the baby comes first if she is very ill, but he has been OPs dad for however many years she has been alive. She won't ever see him again. He is important too, not to be dismissed like that.

Show quote history

With all respect I think OP has a history of being dismissed by her parents. Her baby loves her and needs her. OP's mother is demanding OP reports for duty from afar.

FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 17/12/2025 14:23

Also, have just seen your update. Your Mum and sister are with him, so he’s not alone.

Redburnett · 17/12/2025 14:24

Baby wins, obviously. Surprised you had to ask. Sorry your DF has such a terrible diagnosis though.

bouncydog · 17/12/2025 14:24

I’m sorry about the position you find yourself in. If it were our grandaughter we would always want and expect her parents to put her first. Please don’t be guilt tripped by your mum and sister - you can’t do anything for your dad, you live overseas and have seen him recently. You have a responsibility to your own family and whilst you want to keep everybody happy sometimes it’s just not possible. Your loyalties lie with your husband and daughter. I hope she gets better very soon - it’s heartbreaking having a baby in hospital as I have experienced when my DD was born. Big hugs for you.

whymadam · 17/12/2025 14:28

tistheseasontobegrinchy · 17/12/2025 12:58

I don't think there are any good outcomes here.

Pick the one that you regret the least, and accept you're always going to have feelings about not taking the other.

Once you accept there isn't a good choice, just two shitty choices, it should feel a bit easier. I'm sorry you're going through all this, and so close to Christmas, too.

Take very good care of yourself, OP.

I see only one shitty choice here and it's pure angst: leaving a sick baby in hospital to travel half a world away to visit someone who hasn't shown love and respect when he had been fully able to do so.

XWKD · 17/12/2025 14:28

No dilemma. Your baby. In a dilemma you have to make a choice. Not here. You can't leave your sick baby.

ArabellaSaurus · 17/12/2025 14:28

Just sending you my best, OP. What a sad and difficult situation.

Of course you are with your baby, that was undoubtedly the right choice.

Wishing you all peace.

Flowers
Londontown12 · 17/12/2025 14:29

Sorry but your dad doesn't care so why should u !! Your baby is your future and your life is with her 💘 x

AnotherEmma · 17/12/2025 14:29

Baby, without a doubt.

Your mum and sister sound awful with their manipulative guilt-tripping. He has them both and they have each other.

I would really struggle to get past the fact that he barely spoke to you and showed little interest in your baby when you did visit, tbh.

Go and see him when your baby is better - or recovered from the worst of it, at least - but do it for you, not for him. To say your goodbyes and to know you did what you could.