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Original poster

Choosing between dying dad and sick baby

244 replies

Copenhagener · 17/12/2025 11:56

Currently in a headspin about what the right thing is to do.

My dad is dying, but my baby may need to be hospitalised.

I am from the UK, but live abroad with my 1 year old daughter.

I don’t have the warmest relationship with my parents (affairs, emotional distance, etc). In July, my dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma (very aggressive brain cancer). I flew to the UK immediately to see him, but he was in denial, saying he would outlive the diagnosis and barely spoke to me the week I was there, or bother to get to know my daughter. It was heartbreaking. He refused all treatment to ‘go natural’ to beat it.

A week ago, he suffered a massive stroke and was left paralysed on one side, incontinent and barely able to speak. He is dying but still won’t admit it.

I intended to visit before Christmas as he’s got weeks or even just days left.

Today my daughter was diagnosed with a bad chest infection and given penicillin, and a warning she will need to be potentially hospitalised if there is no improvement by Friday. They want to see her tomorrow morning for a check-up too.

I feel torn. My partner is supporting me, but I can’t drag a sick baby on a plane to a dying man. I also can barely bring myself to leave her - I’ve never seen her like this and she needs me.

What would you choose to do? I feel frozen.

OP posts:
BlackCat14 · 17/12/2025 12:18

Baby first , always.

See how she gets on the next couple of days. I may be wrong, but assuming you live in Copenhagen, it’s not that far for you to fly home even if just for one night, to say goodbye to your dad, but only if baby seems to be on the mend!

LostittoBostik · 17/12/2025 12:20

Baby. Your father is a parent: he understands.

LostittoBostik · 17/12/2025 12:21

Copenhagener · 17/12/2025 12:09

Just to add:

My mum is blowing up my phone telling me to fly back asap. My father is sleeping 90% of the time now, can’t get out of bed, or hold a conversation. She says she needs my help. When her parents were unwell she prioritised her parents and left us alone / with relatives for weeks at a time, so she expects me to do the same as she did. My sister (estranged) is also telling her I’m selfish and cruel for not dropping everything and coming over.

But it’s decided: I am going to stay here with my little girl. It’s a shit situation, but you’re all right: baby comes first.

I’m so sorry you’re facing your mum behaving this way. Can you turn your phone off for a few hours and concentrate on your baby?

SparkleSpriteDust · 17/12/2025 12:22

I was once in a similar position. My father was hospitalised 2 hours away from where we lived. At the same time, our baby was in hospital in London. My dad told me to forget about him and be with our baby. My dad even ordered my mum to come to my house to look after our toddler.

My dad did recover but we didn't know at the time that he definitely would.

I hope your little one is better soon, OP and to answer your question - you must be with your child.

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 17/12/2025 12:23

Stay with your daughter, if you suddenly need to go then she will be ok for a day with your DH if you jump on a flight but for now, stay with her.

(I’m also a Copenhagener, near Fælledparken, just send a PM if there’s anything you need, wishing your daughter and dad all the best x )

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/12/2025 12:23

Baby, of course. Hope she improves soon.

cantbearsed27 · 17/12/2025 12:23

Copenhagener · 17/12/2025 12:09

Just to add:

My mum is blowing up my phone telling me to fly back asap. My father is sleeping 90% of the time now, can’t get out of bed, or hold a conversation. She says she needs my help. When her parents were unwell she prioritised her parents and left us alone / with relatives for weeks at a time, so she expects me to do the same as she did. My sister (estranged) is also telling her I’m selfish and cruel for not dropping everything and coming over.

But it’s decided: I am going to stay here with my little girl. It’s a shit situation, but you’re all right: baby comes first.

Surely then your sister has dropped everything and is there already?

Baby first of course.

Misanthropologie · 17/12/2025 12:24

LostittoBostik · 17/12/2025 12:20

Baby. Your father is a parent: he understands.

It's not clear that he does, but that's beside the point. The OP's instinct is clearly to stay with her child and that needs to be her priority, whether the rest of her family understand her decision or not.

Gymnopedie · 17/12/2025 12:24

If he'd been a loving supportive dad it would make the decision harder. Given your history though, baby definitely. And let your mum and sister get on with it. Put your phone on silent and only look at it when it's convenient for you.

Original poster
Copenhagener · 17/12/2025 12:24

cantbearsed27 · 17/12/2025 12:23

Surely then your sister has dropped everything and is there already?

Baby first of course.

Show quote history

She has. She’s gotten a relative to fill in for her at work (self employed) and is at my parents house around the clock.

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 17/12/2025 12:25

Copenhagener · 17/12/2025 12:09

Just to add:

My mum is blowing up my phone telling me to fly back asap. My father is sleeping 90% of the time now, can’t get out of bed, or hold a conversation. She says she needs my help. When her parents were unwell she prioritised her parents and left us alone / with relatives for weeks at a time, so she expects me to do the same as she did. My sister (estranged) is also telling her I’m selfish and cruel for not dropping everything and coming over.

But it’s decided: I am going to stay here with my little girl. It’s a shit situation, but you’re all right: baby comes first.

Good decision.
it sounds like your father isn’t too bothered either way.
It’s your mother who is being ‘selfish and cruel’, putting her ‘needs’ above her grandchild’s. Presumably your sister can do whatever it is she actually needs?

Tdcp · 17/12/2025 12:25

Is your sister helping or is she just having a go at you? If she's helping you don't need to be there and if she's just having a go then she needs to go and help.

AliceMcK · 17/12/2025 12:25

As someone who has been in your position, my DF died when my baby was 12 weeks old, she was hospitalised for a severe chest infection at 10 weeks old, my baby came first. I’d already forfeited breast feeding as it made my parents uncomfortable and I needed more flexibility at the time to run around after them anyway. But my baby 100% came first. I know my DF supported my decision ( not that it was up for debate) my mother could fuck off. I had lots of guilt and pressure put on me to be there from her when DF died but I had 3 DCs 6, 4 and 12 weeks old they came first. I was the bad guy and within a year I was fully NC, it was the best thing to happen to me. I have no regrets at all.

your sister can be there if it’s so important to her, but if she’s anything like my siblings she wants you there to be the scape goat so she dosnt have to be.

I hope your baby gets better soon x

AntonDeck · 17/12/2025 12:25

baby first OP, every single time. A child always comes first no matter what age. And don't you dare feel an ounce of guilt about it either. ❤️

a horrible time for you but don't add to your load to feel any guilt OP, you didn't ask for any of this x

IceyBisBack · 17/12/2025 12:26

Can the child's DF look after her while you go to say goodbye to your DF?
Not having the opportunity for closure with your DF could cause lots of issue's in the future, especially considering your relationship is not fabulous.
Yes our children come first and DD is poorly but she has two parents. You DF life cycle is coming to an end and despite everything you are his DD and will never have this opportunity again.
Sending you all lots of love.

Gymnopedie · 17/12/2025 12:26

Is your sister the golden child by any chance?

Whatatodo79 · 17/12/2025 12:26

Daughter, every time. Stuff what everyone else says.

Mustreadabook · 17/12/2025 12:28

Looks like I’m against the flow, but baby has her dad and is too young to even remember if you are there or not. This is your last chance with your dad. Go and see him, even if it’s only for 24 hours

HyperactiveHyperdrive · 17/12/2025 12:32

You’ve done the right thing OP. Don’t feel guilty. With them not being the best parents, they’ve made the decision much easier for you.

I hope your daughter is ok.

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/12/2025 12:34

Mustreadabook · 17/12/2025 12:28

Looks like I’m against the flow, but baby has her dad and is too young to even remember if you are there or not. This is your last chance with your dad. Go and see him, even if it’s only for 24 hours

No way on earth would I put anyone above my hospitalised child.
Thankfully, my parents would expect nothing else.

BezMills · 17/12/2025 12:39

Baby first, it's not even close. You're a good daughter to be even doubting it, but you know what is right.

TorroFerney · 17/12/2025 12:39

LostittoBostik · 17/12/2025 12:21

I’m so sorry you’re facing your mum behaving this way. Can you turn your phone off for a few hours and concentrate on your baby?

Show quote history

Agree wit this. Your dad has your mum to support him and your mum should have built her own network to support her not just rely on her child ( this has struck a chord with me you may have guessed!).

KaleidoscopeSmile · 17/12/2025 12:39

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Sillysoggyspaniel · 17/12/2025 12:40

Absolutely baby. One, she needs you most. Two, if the antibiotics kick in she will be a lot better by Monday and you can fly then.

SJone0101 · 17/12/2025 12:40

If it was a choice between my dying dad and my baby in this circumstance, I would choose my dad.

However, your dad sounds like a prick so I would choose your baby.