Choosing between dying dad and sick baby

[Copenhagener]

Currently in a headspin about what the right thing is to do.

My dad is dying, but my baby may need to be hospitalised.

I am from the UK, but live abroad with my 1 year old daughter.

I don’t have the warmest relationship with my parents (affairs, emotional distance, etc). In July, my dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma (very aggressive brain cancer). I flew to the UK immediately to see him, but he was in denial, saying he would outlive the diagnosis and barely spoke to me the week I was there, or bother to get to know my daughter. It was heartbreaking. He refused all treatment to ‘go natural’ to beat it.

A week ago, he suffered a massive stroke and was left paralysed on one side, incontinent and barely able to speak. He is dying but still won’t admit it.

I intended to visit before Christmas as he’s got weeks or even just days left.

Today my daughter was diagnosed with a bad chest infection and given penicillin, and a warning she will need to be potentially hospitalised if there is no improvement by Friday. They want to see her tomorrow morning for a check-up too.

I feel torn. My partner is supporting me, but I can’t drag a sick baby on a plane to a dying man. I also can barely bring myself to leave her - I’ve never seen her like this and she needs me.

What would you choose to do? I feel frozen.

Baby first. She needs you more.

I’d 100% prioritize my baby.
A good grandfather would want you to.

Can you decide after tomorrow’s check up with your DD? The antibiotics will have started to kick in so you’ll have a better idea of how she’s doing.

Absolutely prioritise your baby.

I would wait a few days. You will know soon if the antibiotics are working. I would visit your Dad after Christmas or if it's a short flight, just come for one night on Monday or Tuesday.

Baby.

Not even a shred of doubt.

I think you should stay with your daughter given your history with your dad, and go when she’s better.

I think you have to ask yourself: if he dies, will I wish I had been there?

If it were my dad, who I am very close to and love deeply, I would wait and see what the hospital says about my baby tomorrow; and if she doesn’t need to be admitted, go and see him and trust that my husband would call me if I needed to urgently be back for my daughter.

Your baby.

Stay with your baby.

I'd also stay with my baby in your position. My children will always come before my parents, and should they have children themselves (they're adults and teenagers) I hope they'll prioritise the same way (by which I mean their children before me).

Do you have to make a decision right now? Wait a few days and see how your baby is. Your baby needs you more though right now so deffo prioritise her x

Stay with your baby.

Baby first, she will get better and you can still fly before Christmas
Sounds like he will be tenacious enough to hang on

Baby. This is not even a question.

Baby. No question.

im a granny and if I was dying I’d 100% want my kids to stay with their kids on this scenario.

Baby. She is the future.
Your dad is not.

Baby first. Always but especially now. We can’t always be in two places at once. I won’t comment on your relationship with your father but I adore my father and would still prioritize my child under these circumstances.

Just to add:

My mum is blowing up my phone telling me to fly back asap. My father is sleeping 90% of the time now, can’t get out of bed, or hold a conversation. She says she needs my help. When her parents were unwell she prioritised her parents and left us alone / with relatives for weeks at a time, so she expects me to do the same as she did. My sister (estranged) is also telling her I’m selfish and cruel for not dropping everything and coming over.

But it’s decided: I am going to stay here with my little girl. It’s a shit situation, but you’re all right: baby comes first.

I'm not particularly close to my father, and he lives locally. When he had a huge accident and almost died a couple of years ago (fell off top rung of ladder), long recovery, I was at hospital every day, took care of doctors, care plans etc. drove DM to see him. (DM is genuinely useless when things go wrong). Anyway, he still makes little effort with me or DC.

If my DD was unwell, I'd pick her every time. No question. She needs to know I'm there, she's my priority. Not having that growing up myself has made me realise how important it is to know your parents are there when you're ill.

Baby.

I get the impression that your Dad wouldn't be putting you first in this situation, or any previous ones.

You might be questioning yourself on this due to anticipatory grief and a mix of the hope that amends can be made in your relationship before he dies, or the realisation that amends will never be made. It's screwing with your head. (Apologies if I am reading between the lines too much).

Baby, without hesitation

No absolutely not. Your baby is sick and is your top priority xx

not only should you prioritise your baby, you cannot take a baby with a bad chest infection on a plane - it will cause significant pain

Your dad may not even recognise you, or may still refuse to talk to you. Under the circumstances definitely baby, if you were the apple of your dad's eye it would be more of a decision.

Baby first.

I'm sorry that you're facing this dilemma though. And I'm sorry about your dad.