Choosing between dying dad and sick baby

[Copenhagener]

Currently in a headspin about what the right thing is to do.

My dad is dying, but my baby may need to be hospitalised.

I am from the UK, but live abroad with my 1 year old daughter.

I don’t have the warmest relationship with my parents (affairs, emotional distance, etc). In July, my dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma (very aggressive brain cancer). I flew to the UK immediately to see him, but he was in denial, saying he would outlive the diagnosis and barely spoke to me the week I was there, or bother to get to know my daughter. It was heartbreaking. He refused all treatment to ‘go natural’ to beat it.

A week ago, he suffered a massive stroke and was left paralysed on one side, incontinent and barely able to speak. He is dying but still won’t admit it.

I intended to visit before Christmas as he’s got weeks or even just days left.

Today my daughter was diagnosed with a bad chest infection and given penicillin, and a warning she will need to be potentially hospitalised if there is no improvement by Friday. They want to see her tomorrow morning for a check-up too.

I feel torn. My partner is supporting me, but I can’t drag a sick baby on a plane to a dying man. I also can barely bring myself to leave her - I’ve never seen her like this and she needs me.

What would you choose to do? I feel frozen.

I wish your little girl all the luck in hospital.

Your dad did see you a year ago and kind of ignored you and her. You did go. I agree with everyone that the right priority is your baby, and that was borne out. I would not leave her now, I'm sorry. If your dad has your mum and sister there and is sleeping all the time, he may pass away fairly quickly and will not know if you are there.

It is the way it is when people live in different countries, and most people would want you to prioritise your baby- including most grandparents.

I hope it works out ok.

Baby is in hospital, I would be concerned it’s actually RSV. Baby had breathing issues at birth. You re in the right place, with your baby.

Babys dad is also ill, so although he probably could cope I highly doubt the hospital would want him in with baby passing his bug around.

I hope baby starts to improve soon 💕💕

Gosh, you sound like fun! No one said the dad was a bad person. Not even me. OP needs support, that is all.

To all those saying the DH can look after baby. He is also ill with the same chest infection. OP would be possibly taking that infection to her relatives.

The dad is beyond being contacted by voice or facetime. It sounds like he wouldn't know if OP was there or not. The DM and Sis are in full attendance.

A sick baby in hospital will need it's Mum for comfort.

OP already feels guilty enough. She's made her choice in a difficult situation. Having had children ill in hospital over the years, I think its the right one.

Best wishes to you and your baby. You’re doing the right thing.

I didn't read it that way. It seemed to me that Yolopp is suggesting letting Dad take the reins so she can face a really difficult situation, which she won't get chance to do again. He's ill too, unfortunately, so that isn't a possibility.

I don't think absolutism is helpful here, it sounds as though OP's Dad has been mediocre in some ways, but not dreadful. This is a complex situation an I woul hate for the OP to be too swayed by advice which may end up being unhelpful, one way or another.

OP, I think you sound lovely. I think your tone is very measured, even when discussing your mother and sister. Obviously they are in pain too and I hope you can be there to support each other throughout this situation.

All the best Op sending get well wishes !! Big hugs u made the right choice x 😚

So sorry to hear that your baby has taken a turn for the worse. I'm sure that she's getting great care from the hospital staff and she has you and her dad with her.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will be OK.

Good on you
Bad mothers,
Awful sisters
One petty preferred son
Been there and
Got rid of all that
Some families just ain't!

Thinking of you tonight. Hope your baby is getting all the care she needs. You are entirely right to be there for her.

Thinking of you @Copenhagener - hope baby dd is doing better with hospital treatment 💐💐💐

I've been there several times with the dds with chest infections, pneumonia and RSV - hopefully they are getting it under control with IV antibiotics, steroids and nebulizers etc. Hope your DH is recovering as well

Perhaps you can video call your UK family but it is likely wise not to travel in the Christmas crowds with the nasty influenza and covid strains rampant - it would be awful if you caught a serious virus in the UK and brought it back to your baby with her history of breathing problems.

Don't forget to take care of yourself as well - do they have parent kitchens in Denmark? (They had then in Sweden so you could always make a sandwich or hot drink)

Ever heard of sepsis? My husband has survived it 4 times, twice resulting from chest infections that progressed to pneumonia.

Considering it almost killed my child to the point he had a cardiac arrest and was in intensive care for 7 weeks, yes is an understatement.

It doesn't happen to the majority of children who have chest infections (or any infection as a matter of fact) hence why I said that it isn't USUALLY serious because that is correct, it isn't. I didn't say it was never serious.

I'm aware that OP's child is now in hospital and her partner is also poorly so in her case, I think she did the right thing but generally? I'm still not going to judge a parent for leaving their poorly child with their other parent to see their own dying parent for the last time.

I think you've made the right choice. Hope she's feeling much better soon.

Hi all,

Thank you for the well wishes for my baby. Things were very scary and moved fast.

She was diagnosed with severe pneumonia, but after being admitted and given oxygen, lots of paracetamol, and antibiotics, seems to be recovering well.

She was released this morning and is starting to seem more like herself, with a note that she can be re-admitted automatically if things don’t improve.

She is still sick, and my partner is also not doing great, but hopefully things are on the up.

My father is still breathing. I won’t be able to visit before Christmas (24th celebrated here), but I hope to go next week (27th) if I can.

I'm so pleased that your DD is doing better. I hope she continues to improve and that you get to see your dad after Xmas.

Brilliant to hear.
Have a great festive time

That is great news that your little girl is improving. I hope that your family has as nice a Christmas as possible and that you make it back in time to see you dad. This must be such a stressful and upsetting time for you. Sending very best wishes x

So glad to hear your little one is doing better. You made the right choice. Hope you all get a chance to rest and relax and heal over Xmas. And that you also get a chance to visit your Dad afterwards