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Original poster

Choosing between dying dad and sick baby

244 replies

Copenhagener · 17/12/2025 11:56

Currently in a headspin about what the right thing is to do.

My dad is dying, but my baby may need to be hospitalised.

I am from the UK, but live abroad with my 1 year old daughter.

I don’t have the warmest relationship with my parents (affairs, emotional distance, etc). In July, my dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma (very aggressive brain cancer). I flew to the UK immediately to see him, but he was in denial, saying he would outlive the diagnosis and barely spoke to me the week I was there, or bother to get to know my daughter. It was heartbreaking. He refused all treatment to ‘go natural’ to beat it.

A week ago, he suffered a massive stroke and was left paralysed on one side, incontinent and barely able to speak. He is dying but still won’t admit it.

I intended to visit before Christmas as he’s got weeks or even just days left.

Today my daughter was diagnosed with a bad chest infection and given penicillin, and a warning she will need to be potentially hospitalised if there is no improvement by Friday. They want to see her tomorrow morning for a check-up too.

I feel torn. My partner is supporting me, but I can’t drag a sick baby on a plane to a dying man. I also can barely bring myself to leave her - I’ve never seen her like this and she needs me.

What would you choose to do? I feel frozen.

OP posts:
Ddakji · 17/12/2025 14:30

whymadam · 17/12/2025 14:28

I see only one shitty choice here and it's pure angst: leaving a sick baby in hospital to travel half a world away to visit someone who hasn't shown love and respect when he had been fully able to do so.

Show quote history

Unhelpful and inaccurate - where has the OP said she lives half a world away from her parents (her choice, btw)? And she’s said that her dad isn’t a bad person.

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 17/12/2025 14:31

Redburnett · 17/12/2025 14:24

Baby wins, obviously. Surprised you had to ask. Sorry your DF has such a terrible diagnosis though.

I don't think it's especially helpful to say 'surprised you had to ask'. People carry a lot of expectations from their FOO and what might seem obvious to an outsider doesn't to someone actually living in the mind that their family helped build.

Sakura7 · 17/12/2025 14:37

Dad didn't care when you were there and your mum and sister sound awful. I wish the posters laying on the guilt trips would recognise that.

Stay with your baby and do not feel an ounce of guilt.

Anonimiss · 17/12/2025 14:38

Baby first every time.
If I was the GP and my son/daughter prioritised me over their sick baby I’d kick their arse…

Shmoigel · 17/12/2025 14:38

My dad had the same cancer and sadly there is usually very little they can do for it treatment wise. They probably explained that to him. It also causes a great deal of confusion so this may account for the lack of interaction with your baby.

Only you know what is right for you. If your baby needs you right now, that is your priority. I would see how things pan out over the next few days.

With my dad, once he was no longer able to be awake for long, things happened very quickly. It was a blessing not to see him suffer for long. Its a bloody cruel type of cancer.

Here for you if you need any support x drop me a PM xx

jellyfish2121 · 17/12/2025 14:40

Your dad has your mum & sister with him, your baby has her father & potentially paternal grandparents there for her? If penicillin is helping baby improve as it should, I'd try to go as it sounds like your dad's last chance & they need you also.

Mapletree1985 · 17/12/2025 14:45

Copenhagener · 17/12/2025 11:56

Currently in a headspin about what the right thing is to do.

My dad is dying, but my baby may need to be hospitalised.

I am from the UK, but live abroad with my 1 year old daughter.

I don’t have the warmest relationship with my parents (affairs, emotional distance, etc). In July, my dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma (very aggressive brain cancer). I flew to the UK immediately to see him, but he was in denial, saying he would outlive the diagnosis and barely spoke to me the week I was there, or bother to get to know my daughter. It was heartbreaking. He refused all treatment to ‘go natural’ to beat it.

A week ago, he suffered a massive stroke and was left paralysed on one side, incontinent and barely able to speak. He is dying but still won’t admit it.

I intended to visit before Christmas as he’s got weeks or even just days left.

Today my daughter was diagnosed with a bad chest infection and given penicillin, and a warning she will need to be potentially hospitalised if there is no improvement by Friday. They want to see her tomorrow morning for a check-up too.

I feel torn. My partner is supporting me, but I can’t drag a sick baby on a plane to a dying man. I also can barely bring myself to leave her - I’ve never seen her like this and she needs me.

What would you choose to do? I feel frozen.

If my father were dying, and the baby is very likely to be okay, I would go to him. I didn't go to my father when he was dying; my husband talked me out of it because he didn't want to be left alone looking after the two toddlers. He persuaded my dad would live another few months even though my mum told me to come. Every time I think about my dad wishing he could see me once before he died, and me not being there, it almost kills me. This is not something that can ever be put right.

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 17/12/2025 14:46

Copenhagener · 17/12/2025 11:56

Currently in a headspin about what the right thing is to do.

My dad is dying, but my baby may need to be hospitalised.

I am from the UK, but live abroad with my 1 year old daughter.

I don’t have the warmest relationship with my parents (affairs, emotional distance, etc). In July, my dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma (very aggressive brain cancer). I flew to the UK immediately to see him, but he was in denial, saying he would outlive the diagnosis and barely spoke to me the week I was there, or bother to get to know my daughter. It was heartbreaking. He refused all treatment to ‘go natural’ to beat it.

A week ago, he suffered a massive stroke and was left paralysed on one side, incontinent and barely able to speak. He is dying but still won’t admit it.

I intended to visit before Christmas as he’s got weeks or even just days left.

Today my daughter was diagnosed with a bad chest infection and given penicillin, and a warning she will need to be potentially hospitalised if there is no improvement by Friday. They want to see her tomorrow morning for a check-up too.

I feel torn. My partner is supporting me, but I can’t drag a sick baby on a plane to a dying man. I also can barely bring myself to leave her - I’ve never seen her like this and she needs me.

What would you choose to do? I feel frozen.

Even if I was very close to my parents, but had an ill baby, my baby would have to come first.

However, I am a Granmother, and my young Grandchildren live, with their parents of course, about 5 to 6 hours away by car. If I was dying, and any of my Grandchildren - or Children - were not feeling well, I would be very upset if they made the journey under those circumstances. The youngsters lives are far more important than mine, especially if I am about to die anyway!

If I could manage a phone call, then I would like to speak to my older Grandchild, and my Children, and their partners, and tell them once more how lucky I am to have them, how proud I am of them, and how very much I love them. But I already tell them those things lots of times, so if I died suddenly, or was not really awake or aware enough to even speak, then I know that they already know all of that, and I know that they are quite fond of me too, so all would be well.

Please OP, stay with your DBaby, that is where your priorities need to be, and the right thing to do. I do hope that your little one is feeling a lot better very soon, and especially in time for Christmas! 🎄

Babyboomtastic · 17/12/2025 14:46

Going against the grain but I'd go and see your dad.

If your daughter was very sick then I'd stay off course but even if she does end up in hospital, it sounds very controlled with no real risk to her life thankfully. And she's young enough that she won't remember.

For full context, I've had the sort of hospital stay with my child where is been life or death and ones where it's just a bug needing some extra help getting over it, like for your daughter. It would be horrid to leave your daughter, I totally get that. I don't think there are any easy answers here sadly.

Calliopespa · 17/12/2025 14:46

Baby op.

Have no guilt about that decision.

It's not as though you haven't been to see him already.

I'm sorry you are feeling torn though.🙁

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 17/12/2025 14:47

In these circs baby op one at end of life doesn't need you per se baby at start needs mum

LupinLou · 17/12/2025 14:55

ParmaVioletTea · 17/12/2025 12:52

My mother didn't see her mother as she was dying as we lived a hemisphere away. She regretted for ever afterwards. Go see your father. Your child's father can care for your daughter.

My mother couldn't make a trip to Australia to see her father when he was actively dying or attend his funeral (much like the op she had visited when he got his diagnosis). She's never had any regrets.

RealReginaPhalange · 17/12/2025 14:56

I am so sorry @Copenhagener you are going through this. My dad died of cancer last year just before christmas when i was 7 months pregnant. They live abroad. Baby comes first but friday is still two days away. Focus on her and if she wont need to go to the hospital i would go to say goodbye. Two days, one night quick trip. Just for yourself so you can see him this last time

MyDeftDuck · 17/12/2025 14:58

Under no circumstances should you get on a plane with your sick baby! Please stay home and take care of her, you e been told she might need admitting to hospital and the last thing you need is to fly to see your dad, her condition worsen, and you’re miles from home!
You came to see your father but now, as his condition has deteriorated, he won’t know that you’re there. Just keep your memories close in your heart and look after your little one. I hope she makes a full recovery. 💐

canuckup · 17/12/2025 15:02

Baby

Conniebygaslight · 17/12/2025 15:17

Baby 100%. I hope your little one is Ok OP.

StruggleFlourish · 17/12/2025 15:18

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JayJayj · 17/12/2025 15:21

No way would I leave my baby. especially, as you say the relationship isn’t great with your parents.

If I imagine it as my mum I would be so so torn. But I also know she wouldn’t want me to leave my child.

nylonbottle · 17/12/2025 15:31

If I was the grandparents, I'd insist baby first.

NoisyMonster678 · 17/12/2025 15:32

Baby first, every time and without exception.

Original poster
Copenhagener · 17/12/2025 15:37

Update:

Baby has taken a big turn for the worse. We’re at the hospital now after doctors said it was essential we go in now.

You were right - I couldn’t have forgiven myself if I’d gotten on the flight today knowing she was rushed into the hospital.

Please wish my little girl luck. I won’t be updating more tonight.

OP posts:
Bloozie · 17/12/2025 15:37

I'd also prioritise the baby, but it's a heartbreaking situation.

You are a good daughter, and a good mother, and there's only one of you, and you're doing your best. Take care and I'm thinking of you and your baby. She's in the best place x

MillicentMaybe · 17/12/2025 15:39

I have a number of grandchildren. I would never ever expect my children to put their children before me.

Your baby us your priority here.

AnotherEmma · 17/12/2025 15:40

Copenhagener · 17/12/2025 15:37

Update:

Baby has taken a big turn for the worse. We’re at the hospital now after doctors said it was essential we go in now.

You were right - I couldn’t have forgiven myself if I’d gotten on the flight today knowing she was rushed into the hospital.

Please wish my little girl luck. I won’t be updating more tonight.

Sorry to hear that. Sending all my best wishes for your baby Flowers

MillicentMaybe · 17/12/2025 15:42

Sorry, posted before I saw your update. Lots of good wishes for you and your baby that all will be well.