Choosing between dying dad and sick baby

[Copenhagener]

Currently in a headspin about what the right thing is to do.

My dad is dying, but my baby may need to be hospitalised.

I am from the UK, but live abroad with my 1 year old daughter.

I don’t have the warmest relationship with my parents (affairs, emotional distance, etc). In July, my dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma (very aggressive brain cancer). I flew to the UK immediately to see him, but he was in denial, saying he would outlive the diagnosis and barely spoke to me the week I was there, or bother to get to know my daughter. It was heartbreaking. He refused all treatment to ‘go natural’ to beat it.

A week ago, he suffered a massive stroke and was left paralysed on one side, incontinent and barely able to speak. He is dying but still won’t admit it.

I intended to visit before Christmas as he’s got weeks or even just days left.

Today my daughter was diagnosed with a bad chest infection and given penicillin, and a warning she will need to be potentially hospitalised if there is no improvement by Friday. They want to see her tomorrow morning for a check-up too.

I feel torn. My partner is supporting me, but I can’t drag a sick baby on a plane to a dying man. I also can barely bring myself to leave her - I’ve never seen her like this and she needs me.

What would you choose to do? I feel frozen.

Stay with your baby. That’s what I’d tell my daughter to do. When she’s better you can always leave her for a couple of days with your DH and jump on a plane , your mother will need support for a while anyway .
Sending you best wishes

This. 100 times.

I wouldn't leave my child in the situation you're in. Maybe if she improves and you know she's out of danger you can reevaluate. But always my children first.

My DH is very capable but that's not the point. I still wouldn't leave a sick child when their outcome is uncertain. A bad cold or something, yes but not like this.

Baby every day if the week. He doesn’t sound like he was the best father/grandfather.

Baby, every time

Bay isn’t hospitalised yet. Hopefully she will be ok.

I would wait a few days and see how your baby is doing OP. If she’s on the mend (and kids can bounce back quickly) and your partner is ok to stay with her, then I would go see your Dad. Obviously if she’s not and needs further care from you, or hospital, then you stay put.

I'd wait and decide after the check up. I'd find it very hard to not see my father before he died and if I knew that my baby's prognosis was stable and good and she was with her father who could comfort her if probably go and see my dad and be back within 24-48hrs. Depends how long the flights were as well though. I'd be less inclined to cross the world than a continent. And less likely to travel in bad whether that might mean flights are disturbed.

64 is very young to die. My dad was 63. My mum was a widow for 18 years.

I’m clearly in a minority as I don’t think it’s as clear cut as baby first. The baby has a loving dad. Would people say “baby first” if it was the dad in this situation with mum right there?

I think I would see how baby gets in at this appt on Friday and then decide. Horribly difficult though.

Wait until baby’s checkup to make your decision and if she needs to be hospitalized then stay with her, if not then go to your dad. I lived abroad when my father had a glioblastoma and it’s a horrid disease and can alter personalities.

Stay abroad with your child.
Your life first.

It's a horrible situation but your baby has to come first. And if your parents were reasonable people they would say the same. I hope your little one recovers quickly and that your dad hangs on so you can see him, but don't feel bad if you don't get there 💐

you admit yourself you have issues with your parents, and you did visit him previously.
Your daughter needs you and is the future, no contest, stay and look after her.

My ultra religious Irish mother-in-law used to say
"He sends one; he takes one"
Father's in denial, let him go on fighting,
You don't have strength for that battle
With an indifferent to you soldier.
Put all your daughters needs first;
Hope she's better soon.

Fuck your dad.
See to your child ❤️

Baby.

To be blunt: She needs you and he doesn't. She's old enough to miss you but too young to understand why you're not there. Your Mum has sister to look after her.

My 1 year old was taken to A&E with something quite minor while I was at work 2 hours away. Longest 2 hours of my life getting back. I felt dreadful, it was like actual pain inside me that I couldn't be there. You will feel terrible if she's in hospital and you're in a different country.

Sorry you're in this shitty situation.

I’m sorry you are in this position, and your mum and sister are being so unreasonable and unsupportive. Obvs you put your child first, that’s not even a question. Hopefully she will recover quickly/your dad hangs on, and you can reassess in a few days, but your child comes first. Your mum has your sister there and can manage.

You have definitely made the right decision to stay with your baby. Your mother and sister are being unfair.

Before I even read your post my first thought was prioritise your baby. I loved my dad and was close to him and would still do this in the situation you describe.

"I don’t have the warmest relationship with my parents (affairs, emotional distance, etc)."

For anyone saying that she'd regret not seeing her dad, who has ignored her for a whole week that she was there with her DC who he also took no interest in.

OP I feel you owe him nothing.
You've seen him 'before he dies'....
Do you really want to see him again?

Baby first. You can call your dad to tell him what's happening and he'll understand you but your baby needs you to be physically present.

@Copenhagener

You stay with your baby. But you speak to your Dad daily on video chats if you can. Even if you just get someone to prop up a screen in the room. The important thing is the conversations before he passes, more than the physical presence. A relative of mine is also terminal but his relatives are worried about leaving the US and getting back in on their visas with Trump in charge so are staying put. There are other ways to be there besides physical.

I probably wouldn't go even if my baby wasn't ill

Yes I would say that if it was the dad in this scenario. If my baby was sick and in hospital and my DH flew abroad to see to his dad, who has other family members to support him, and left me with our sick baby in hospital I would be very upset and angry.

I don't understand your mum's attitude and she sounds most odd -with most mothers, children come first, always. Your dad has had a life - sorry I know he is only 64, but your baby's health should be your family's priority whatever else is going on. I hope she isn't hospitalised OP, and that she is soon on the mend.