Choosing between dying dad and sick baby

[Copenhagener]

Currently in a headspin about what the right thing is to do.

My dad is dying, but my baby may need to be hospitalised.

I am from the UK, but live abroad with my 1 year old daughter.

I don’t have the warmest relationship with my parents (affairs, emotional distance, etc). In July, my dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma (very aggressive brain cancer). I flew to the UK immediately to see him, but he was in denial, saying he would outlive the diagnosis and barely spoke to me the week I was there, or bother to get to know my daughter. It was heartbreaking. He refused all treatment to ‘go natural’ to beat it.

A week ago, he suffered a massive stroke and was left paralysed on one side, incontinent and barely able to speak. He is dying but still won’t admit it.

I intended to visit before Christmas as he’s got weeks or even just days left.

Today my daughter was diagnosed with a bad chest infection and given penicillin, and a warning she will need to be potentially hospitalised if there is no improvement by Friday. They want to see her tomorrow morning for a check-up too.

I feel torn. My partner is supporting me, but I can’t drag a sick baby on a plane to a dying man. I also can barely bring myself to leave her - I’ve never seen her like this and she needs me.

What would you choose to do? I feel frozen.

I dunno-am against the vast majority here-but is the infection life threatening? If she goes into hospital, is it so they can manage the illness better? And can her father be with her-so there is a parent there. I would risk a flying visit to my dad who is dying of an aggressive condition and who is badly frightened hence the denial. I would ask your doctor for advice rather than a load of people on mumsnet-do they think the illness is so serious it needs parents by the side of the bed at all times?

Baby! You are going at Christmas. Does he have other visitors? What could you do anyway?

I'd say you'll have to blow up the phone then mum. My baby comes first everytime especially whilst she is so young and poorly.
If he's sleeping 90% of the time [ex Marie Curie nurse]. that will be the on going situation with short periods of waking but not always aware of who is with him although he will hear speaking and feel touch.
Ime many patients in the MC home I used to work at who were dying in the run up to christmas would hang on to 'see' /hear relatives one last time before dying on either boxing day or 27th. It was not unusual to have 7/8 deaths over 24 hours.
I do think in this case there isn't much you can do for him but be there for your mum. However I wouldn't leave my poorly child to sit by a bedside of someone I didn't particularly like related or not tbh.

I must be heartless. It’s a baby with a chest infection, who will likely be completely fine and if in hospital, will have the best care there and will have her dad with her. I’d go to see my dad before he died.

(this isn’t said without any experience; my youngest ended up hospitalised with an infection at 8 months old, it was awful, but he was predicted to be fine and if my dad was dying at that same moment then I’d have left baby with his dad and gone to see my own dad).

Just a word on her father. The brain tumour may have well made him cold and in denial. My husband was the cuddliest man alive to me and the children . But once diagnosed he had to be told to cuddle the children. It was like his brain suddenly from the point of diagnosis just gave into the tumour.

If I was close with my father, I'd go and be with him considering how seriously ill he is and how a chest infection isn't usually life threatening in otherwise healthy children and also assuming that the father of the child was able to be there with them.

But I'm not close with my father so I would stay with my child and I agree that it is the right thing for you to do.

Rude and not helpful. Families and emotions are complicated. OP was asking for a steer, that’s all.

It really depends how sick the baby is. You're being very sensationalist.

@ you hold firm with your mother, you tell her you absolutely must prioritise your baby at this time. And I would say that even if you had the best parents in the world. Which you don’t.

I'm a bit baffled how this is even a question

OP, you are doing the right thing. Your children come first always. If my husband or I were dying, we would not expect our adult children to leave their own children to fly to us.

Prioritise your baby.

Your father has had his life, and from a practical point of view, doesn't believe he is going to die so won't be distressed if you aren't there and won't particularly care if you are.

I think you should use this as an opportunity to shake off your emotionally blackmailing mum and sister for good. They are putting you in a very difficult position. Your dad is not your only priority, you have a baby as well.

Peeps saying see him one last time, I would beg to differ with that. Sometimes to remember someone's face as you knew them is far better. The dying look very different especially after an illness and it can be distressing for the relatives to see the dramatic changes that can take place.
Everyone deals with dying differently, I've dealt with the morbid curiousity 'I'm here to see what they look like' types, distress and anger from relatives.
You have to do what is right for YOU. OP not your dad, mum or sister. They are pre grieving for a life not fully lived but everyone deals with their emotions differently, please do not feel guilt tripped in whatever you decide to do.
Hope your little one gets better soon. 💐

Don’t be so stupid.

I had a sort of similar situation many years ago when my DD was a newborn. My dad was gravely ill in hospital with ecoli that he caught in a mass outbreak in which 20 people died. The hospital was overrun and were advising people not to visit due to them not being able to keep the infection under control in the hospital. I loved my dad dearly but couldn't take the risk of picking this up and passing it on to my week old baby. For several days they thought my dad wasn't going to make it and I was absolutely distraught at having to stay away. Both my parents were adamant that I shouldn't come though because they were loving grandparents. In the end my dad was in a ward with 7 other men and they all died except him.

You have made the right choice OP. Do not let your mother guilt trip you. As a good mother you knew the right choice which it seems she may not have. Your family sounds a bit toxic. Always trust your own instincts when it comes to being a good parent. I hope your little girl is better soon x

Id see how 1 year old was in a couple days and if the penicillin is working well. If she improves I'd be prepared to go. This isn't because I think DF is more important but you'll never get a second chance in terms of his death and not seeing him may impact on your experience of the bereavement process, grieving etc.

OP you are clearly such a decent person to even have to ask. Your parents - both of them - clearly never put you first and now you should put your baby first.
I feel for your dad, but your mother is a disgrace making demands.
When my parents were dying, and I looked after both of them, I didn’t have the energy or anger to blow up anyone’s phone.
If you do get to see your dad it sounds like your mother will make it a nightmare scenario. Add in your estranged sister and they are going to make it all about them and their grievances. I had some ‘agg’ when my dad was dying with a couple of family members in terms of their dramatic behaviours and it was exhausting. They turned him dying into a soap opera where they had been wronged for various reasons and it was awful.
They day before my dad died I was about 5 minutes away from his hospice and they called me to come in, and told me had about 24 hours. I rang his sister first she was ranting that the hospice should have called her first.
When I told her I was next of kin she was screaming down the phone that she knew him first.
Then I was getting earache off her family that I’d upset her. She never spoke to me at his funeral nor has she since.
You put you and your baby first and if the time comes and you are able to, you can rethink.

I agree.

A chest infection isn't usually serious in children and OP's child may not even need to go to hospital in the end.

Anything serious? Child without question. But assuming the child has another parent who can stay with them, I wouldn't judge someone in OP's situation leaving to be with their dying parent. A child (usually) has two parents.

Baby of course.
I'm sure your dad would expect you to prioritise his grandchild. 💐

Baby and I have a nice dad.

My baby is now sleeping after her first dose of penicillin, I hope she will wake up feeling a little better.

Thank you for all your responses and shared experiences of losing a parent, it’s an emotional time and I’m struggling to process a little. Maybe to give some context: when my baby was born she has trouble breathing properly and ended up in NICU for most of a week, so I still have a lot of bad memories from that time, and hearing her struggle for breath again now is really stressful.

Also, my partner is fantastic and extremely capable - he’s looked after baby solo for a few days before. But right now he’s also down with this chest infection and feeling very unwell - it’s not just a cold.

Finally, my dad is not an evil person, even if he wasn’t a good dad. The tumour has changed his personality massively. And he was sucked in hard by ‘cancer is caused by sugar’ quack doctors online and was obsessed (while he was well enough) with his diet above all else for a few months post-diagnosis.

Unfortunately he’s now at a point where we can’t do phone or video calls. I’ve tried leaving him voice notes for my mum to read him, but he’s completely out of it. I hope he can hear them deep down.

You're not even close with him, and your mother and sister are guilting you. Stay with your child.

Baby. Always baby

Baby first