Choosing between dying dad and sick baby

[Copenhagener]

Currently in a headspin about what the right thing is to do.

My dad is dying, but my baby may need to be hospitalised.

I am from the UK, but live abroad with my 1 year old daughter.

I don’t have the warmest relationship with my parents (affairs, emotional distance, etc). In July, my dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma (very aggressive brain cancer). I flew to the UK immediately to see him, but he was in denial, saying he would outlive the diagnosis and barely spoke to me the week I was there, or bother to get to know my daughter. It was heartbreaking. He refused all treatment to ‘go natural’ to beat it.

A week ago, he suffered a massive stroke and was left paralysed on one side, incontinent and barely able to speak. He is dying but still won’t admit it.

I intended to visit before Christmas as he’s got weeks or even just days left.

Today my daughter was diagnosed with a bad chest infection and given penicillin, and a warning she will need to be potentially hospitalised if there is no improvement by Friday. They want to see her tomorrow morning for a check-up too.

I feel torn. My partner is supporting me, but I can’t drag a sick baby on a plane to a dying man. I also can barely bring myself to leave her - I’ve never seen her like this and she needs me.

What would you choose to do? I feel frozen.

Baby always comes first

Baby first.

I'd rather die alone than take a mum away from a sick child. Think it would be the same for most decent people.

Definitely prioritise your daughter. She needs you more than your father does.

My dad is 64. Still young. My mum is a few years younger.

Her parents very much expected her to be their carer (both died quite young too - in their late 60s).

I don't think there are any good outcomes here.

Pick the one that you regret the least, and accept you're always going to have feelings about not taking the other.

Once you accept there isn't a good choice, just two shitty choices, it should feel a bit easier. I'm sorry you're going through all this, and so close to Christmas, too.

Take very good care of yourself, OP.

@Copenhagener You were there previously with your baby and he wasn't interested. If he's sleeping most of the time now, what would be the point of being there. Even more so if you don't have a great relationship in the first place. Glad you are putting your baby first and hope she gets better soon.

Baby. 100%

Even if my dad was a saint I would always pick my baby.

I’m sorry that your baby is unwell, and that your dad has received such a devastating diagnosis. We lost my Dad to a Glioblastoma and it was heartbreaking to witness.
That said, if I was in your position I would definitely put my children first.
Sending you strength OP.

Another vote for baby first. She is your first priority especially when poorly.

Sorry you are having to deal with this @Copenhagener Hope she gets better soon and then maybe you can visit your Dad.

I agree with this 👆

Baby (and you!) first x

1000% put your baby first.
Do not be bullied into leaving her.

Sorry about your Dad and your poorly baby. Baby trumps dad....

It's not even a decision. Baby

Baby first, without a doubt. If your daughter recovers and your Dad is still here, then you can travel back to the UK. At the moment your daughter needs to come first, and as much as Dad's are fabulous, most little ones want Mummy, when they are unwell.

My heart goes out to you. I have been in your exact position.

Prioritise your daughter. She’s poorly and as her mum, you will want to be with her.

Our love for another person isn’t measured by whether we made it to their bedside in the final hours. Sorry that you are in this position. ❤️

Ive read your update and I agree with the suggestion by others to wait until your baby is seen again tomorrow before making a decision. If she has improved and doesn’t need to be admitted to hospital, then if it was me, I would leave her with my husband and go to see my father if it’s expected thst he only has a very short time left to live. You will have the rest of your life to be with your daughter but you may never get to see your dad again if you don’t go now.

Not guilt tripping - just offering my observation of a similar situation. My mother regretted not seeing either of her parents before they died - my father actually did the guilt-tripping for her not to travel, and she resented that to her dying day.

We were older - I was 10, my youngest sibling was 4, so a bit different. But I just wanted to offer that experience.

Just a different view. I think the PP who said that @Copenhagener will have to give herself grace in the situation - whichever decision she makes will feel wrong.

You visited your father and he wasn't impressed.

Stay with your daughter until she fully recovers. She needs to be well enough to fly comfortably.
Are you at peace with knowing your Dad will remember that you visited not long ago?

You will be a huge help to your mother if/when your father dies.

If your partner is sensible and a decent parent, I would leave baby to him and be rushing to my dad.

Baby. No question!

I am sorry you have to face this dilemma especially at this time of the year.
We do have to remember that for all of us our babies are our future.
I speak as old man with 40 yr old children.
We who have had our time must face up to leaving this world and not hindering the changes. Concentrate on your family and be easy in your mind.
A cold wet UK with a possible flu epidemic is a place to avoid right now OP.

I wouldn’t 🤷‍♀️
Each relationship is different.

Sorry for your loss and to hear you’ve also experienced this awful disease. It sounds naive, but before his diagnosis I didn’t really know there were cancers that could strike so quickly and intensely, and that have zero survivability.