Choosing between dying dad and sick baby

[Copenhagener]

Currently in a headspin about what the right thing is to do.

My dad is dying, but my baby may need to be hospitalised.

I am from the UK, but live abroad with my 1 year old daughter.

I don’t have the warmest relationship with my parents (affairs, emotional distance, etc). In July, my dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma (very aggressive brain cancer). I flew to the UK immediately to see him, but he was in denial, saying he would outlive the diagnosis and barely spoke to me the week I was there, or bother to get to know my daughter. It was heartbreaking. He refused all treatment to ‘go natural’ to beat it.

A week ago, he suffered a massive stroke and was left paralysed on one side, incontinent and barely able to speak. He is dying but still won’t admit it.

I intended to visit before Christmas as he’s got weeks or even just days left.

Today my daughter was diagnosed with a bad chest infection and given penicillin, and a warning she will need to be potentially hospitalised if there is no improvement by Friday. They want to see her tomorrow morning for a check-up too.

I feel torn. My partner is supporting me, but I can’t drag a sick baby on a plane to a dying man. I also can barely bring myself to leave her - I’ve never seen her like this and she needs me.

What would you choose to do? I feel frozen.

I think only you can answer this OP. If your baby is very sick then obviously there's no question - but if the antibiotics work and she is stable in a few days then you need to decide how you will feel of you don't go and see your dad before he dies.

If the true answer is you'd be OK then that's your answer and there's nothing wrong with that. If you think you might live with regret or simply need a sense of some closure then I'd make the trip (again IF your daughter is on the mend). It doesn't have to be a long visit.

I didn't go and see my dad, for a legitimate reason but I could have made it work. I thought I was at peace with the decision and I still do feel I was justified. But even though it was a long time ago I do have questions and regrets.

You stay with your baby

Prioritise your baby. I don't think most people would even question this.

Your mum is being very unfair.

Quite clearly the OPs daughter is more than slightly ill. Respiratory issues can take a turn really fast in little kids. Are you actually the sister?!

baby

Baby first, no matter what.
I am extremely close to and totally adore my dad, but if I was in your situation my baby would still always come first. My dad would be furious and refuse to see me if I put him before her.

I'd stay with my baby. Sorry you're having such a tough time

Nasty.

Well done you for making this decision. Your baby comes first, absolutely - and I hope she gets better really soon.

In the minority it seems but I would prioritize seeing my Dad, he is dying and your daughter can be cared for by your partner at home and taken to hospital if needed

Would you have flown out the same day?

I would have thought most people would need to wait until the next day at least anyway.

Don’t feel pressured to go just because your mum is being a selfish bitch.

Tell your mum that you will try and get there soon but it’s not going to be today or tomorrow.

If tomorrow your LO is feeling much better then you can choose to book a flight but if she’s gone downhill then you know it’s not going to happen.

Chances are he might have a few days in him left and you saw him not long ago.
So I don’t think it’s even a case of having to choose between them because it’s not your fault if your dad dies before you can get there.
Even if you left now, he could die before you got there.

I would never feel guilty for this.

Baby x

When I lost my mother, to the same illness your father has, oddly enough, I couldn't be there. Trying to be positive about all of it, perhaps when you went to see him he didn't want you to see how worried and frightened he was because you have a baby. Stranger things have happened. I don't think the part of him that functions well, in terms of personality as well as health, would ever want you to leave your sick baby to visit someone who you can't practically help.

If she gets stronger and you're able to go, then do so if that's what you want, but it's nearly Christmas, you have a sick baby and your father is dying. Don't make things any harder for yourself than they need to be. I think your father would understand and you did brilliantly coming straightaway when he received the diagnosis.

BABY!

Could you send a video message op? Probably won't help very much but when my Dad was dying I got my aunt in Australia to send him video messages. Bizarrely she went into enormous detail about some gynecological problems she was having but it's the thought that counts. You could give your Dad updates about how your daughter is doing.

Well that's good, she can help your mother.

I wouldn't leave a baby that may be hospitalised for a dying parent - and I lost both of my parents a couple of years ago. More importantly, neither of my parent's would have expected or wanted me to! If your mother and sister need some extra help, maybe you're able to google for them and signpost them to the appropriate place. Although I'm surprised that your father has been released from hospital without an appropriate care package in place. Can they afford some private carers?

Please don't let anybody guilt trip you into doing something that you don't want to.

OP, I'm so sorry. What an awful position to be in.

When [Mum's] parents were unwell she prioritised her parents and left us alone / with relatives for weeks at a time, so she expects me to do the same as she did.

May I ask how old your parents are? I was brought up by someone who always put the old people first and expected me to do the same, so I'm wondering if this is a generational attitude. Your mum may well have inherited this from her own parents.

But it doesn't automatically become acceptable simply because other people do it. Your first priority is to your baby.

OP, you say that your parents prioritized their parents over their children. My parents were the same, their first loyalty was to their own parents.
My first loyalty has always been to my children.
You can't pay it back you must pay it forward.

You’re absolutely doing the right thing OP, prioritise your little baby and put all your energy and focus into getting her well 🩷
Your parents and sister don’t sound very nice! (I’d not be tempted to be rushing over there even once your baby is fully recovered but I’m projecting there a bit as my family is very narcissistic!)

This.

My mother didn't see her mother as she was dying as we lived a hemisphere away. She regretted for ever afterwards. Go see your father. Your child's father can care for your daughter.

Don't do this please, a baby needs its mother.

Yeah, no.
Don’t listen to this guilt trippy advice.

I couldn’t make it to my mother’s side for one last goodbye. I have absolutely no regrets about that.

Baby. And having been there recently with a father who was about to die for ages, a young family and a complex family situation with some toxic main players.

Protect your mental health and your kids when he does die and for any trips you need to make for the funeral etc; do what you are able to handle and put your own oxygen mask on first.