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Original poster

DH asked about vasectomy - GP said what if you wife dies in a car crash!

191 replies

pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 10:23

I know a vasectomy is not something to be done without full consideration but when DH recently went to the GP to ask about going for one, the GP told him he needs to consider all possibilities.

Including - what will you do if your wife dies in a car crash!

I presume he means what would DH do if that did happen and he met a younger woman and wanted children.

DH is 42, I am 37 our DC are 3 and 1. We are completely done! If the worst was to happen to DH, or if we just divorced (hugely unlikely) that wouldn't change the fact I am finished having DC. I certainly don't think I'd be looking for a man to have more babies with.

Anyone else think it was a bit funny?

OP posts:
vitalityvix · 15/12/2025 10:26

I think that’s a bit weird!

DH’s cousin is refusing to get a vasectomy in case things don’t work out with his wife (with whom he has children). It’s wild to me that he’s comfortable essentially saying “I am done having children with you, but should a younger woman come along, I might want more with her”

Supersimkin7 · 15/12/2025 10:26

I’m afraid it’s a perfectly reasonable question - how tactless of DP to tell you. Bit much, that.

Medics have to make sure DH is fully aware of his choices.

Suitbox · 15/12/2025 10:28

I think it's a standard question they always ask, or a variation on it. What if "something" happened to your wife?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General health
BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneys · 15/12/2025 10:28

I was asked "what if one of your children die, wouldn't you want another one?" when I went in ask about sterilisation.

Two of my children have died already, and I found it so upsetting that they asked it and ended up not going through with it.

It's a common enough question, but I think there are more tactful ways to ask these things.

MissHelenSweetstory · 15/12/2025 10:30

I don't think it's funny at all.

chellewillnotbebeaten · 15/12/2025 10:31

As much as the GP is right in some respects…… who knows if we’re gunna get hit by a bus crossing the road today! BUT I think that highly inappropriate and unprofessional of a GP to say that x

schoolfriend · 15/12/2025 10:32

What the GP is trying to say (quite reasonably) is that regardless of whether he wants anymore children now, that he needs to consider the tiny possibility that a scenario will occur whereby he might in the future. The GP could have equally said, "what if you get divorced and you want a child with your next partner?"

The fact is, for men, he has many years of being able to father more kids if he wants to. If he doesn't want to then it's a great idea to have a vasectomy but he needs to consider all the scenarios that might occur in his life. Hopefully you won't get killed in a car accident but it's not beyond the realms of possibility that you'll get divorced.

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 15/12/2025 10:33

Perfectly reasonable.

You only have to look at the number of threads on here from posters who are entering into relationships with men who have had a vasectomy and the casual way in which they talk about reversal as if it’s that simple. It isn’t.

So if you’re going to have a vasectomy you need to do so on the understanding that means no children. Ever. And that includes meeting someone else in the future who might want them.

So it’s not unreasonable to suggest that someone going through sterilisation should think about that.

My mum was sterilised even though my dad had said he would have it done, because she was adamant that she never wanted any more children, but still said that if anything ever happened to her she couldn’t be the one to decide that my dad might not want to have children with someone else, and so she went through the surgery.

HoppityBun · 15/12/2025 10:33

If you died in whatever circumstances seem appropriate to the discussion, your DH would have the sole care of 2 grieving children

QPZM · 15/12/2025 10:35

Seems like a perfectly reasonable question to ask a 42 year old.

I think you'd have more to say if the Doc had said "And what if you and your wife split up and you want children with a younger woman?"

whatdoyouthink123456 · 15/12/2025 10:37

I have heard this line of questioning is fairly standard. It obviously isn’t very tactful but they want people to consider how they would feel if life circumstances change.
I have heard examples like: ‘what if your wife leaves you?’ ‘What if your current children die?’ Etc.

SheSpeaks · 15/12/2025 10:39

I’m not going to have any more children because I feel like I’m too old - in my 40s - and my DC are older and I don’t want to go back to the beginning. But I can’t close the door completely, and don’t want to for my DP either. Just in case. Things do happen. I can’t see the benefit to having surgery to end the option for either of us, so I don’t think it’s an unusual question, though perhaps clumsily worded.

Original poster
pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 10:42

BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneys · 15/12/2025 10:28

I was asked "what if one of your children die, wouldn't you want another one?" when I went in ask about sterilisation.

Two of my children have died already, and I found it so upsetting that they asked it and ended up not going through with it.

It's a common enough question, but I think there are more tactful ways to ask these things.

Firstly I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what that is like.

But also IMO what a crazy thing to say, what if you child dies.

OP posts:
Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService · 15/12/2025 10:42

Of course they need to be certain that all candidates for vasectomy or sterilisation understand fully that it's a final decision - especially as a lot of people casually mention reversing vasectomies, in a way that suggests that they think it's very straightforward and problem-free to do, and that a vasectomy is nothing more than 'pausing' a man's fertility.

That said, it should be sufficient to mention separation and untimely death - possibly phrased as "some people find/decide/consider" - without being quite so blunt about it.

The main issue is that it's a sexist question to ask. Basically, your DH has said that, as one parent of two children, that's enough for you both to look after and bring up. If you did tragically die (and why are these things always framed as a car crash or being run over by a bus, rather than illness?!), those two children would still exist, so he would then have much more parenting on his plate - one parent to raise them alone instead of two together - so surely deliberately trying to have having more children with that on his plate would be a very strange choice indeed?!

Even if they were grown up and independent, he would still be the proud father of two lovely adult children, and nothing would change that.

Do they ask women wanting sterilisations what they would do if their DH died and they wanted more children with a new partner (if still young enough), in addition to the ones that they already decided were enough when there were two parents to look after them and are still here?

Original poster
pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 10:43

HoppityBun · 15/12/2025 10:33

If you died in whatever circumstances seem appropriate to the discussion, your DH would have the sole care of 2 grieving children

Exactly, if for some unknown reason DH was to die I would be caring or 2 grieving children. I can't imagine adding a half sibling would be in their best interest.

OP posts:
twilightcafe · 15/12/2025 10:45

Tactless, but a fair point to consider.

AllPlayedOut · 15/12/2025 10:47

Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService · 15/12/2025 10:42

Of course they need to be certain that all candidates for vasectomy or sterilisation understand fully that it's a final decision - especially as a lot of people casually mention reversing vasectomies, in a way that suggests that they think it's very straightforward and problem-free to do, and that a vasectomy is nothing more than 'pausing' a man's fertility.

That said, it should be sufficient to mention separation and untimely death - possibly phrased as "some people find/decide/consider" - without being quite so blunt about it.

The main issue is that it's a sexist question to ask. Basically, your DH has said that, as one parent of two children, that's enough for you both to look after and bring up. If you did tragically die (and why are these things always framed as a car crash or being run over by a bus, rather than illness?!), those two children would still exist, so he would then have much more parenting on his plate - one parent to raise them alone instead of two together - so surely deliberately trying to have having more children with that on his plate would be a very strange choice indeed?!

Even if they were grown up and independent, he would still be the proud father of two lovely adult children, and nothing would change that.

Do they ask women wanting sterilisations what they would do if their DH died and they wanted more children with a new partner (if still young enough), in addition to the ones that they already decided were enough when there were two parents to look after them and are still here?

I’d hope that they do ask women considering sterilisation because it’s a perfectly valid question and something that should genuinely be considered.

spottybaghottyhag · 15/12/2025 10:48

pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 10:43

Exactly, if for some unknown reason DH was to die I would be caring or 2 grieving children. I can't imagine adding a half sibling would be in their best interest.

Show quote history

And how many times has this happened? The step board is full of it. A lot of people who thought they were finished want a baby to 'cement' a new relationship. On a side note, does NHS fund a vasectomy?

Driftingawaynow · 15/12/2025 10:48

It’s standard

QPZM · 15/12/2025 10:49

pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 10:43

Exactly, if for some unknown reason DH was to die I would be caring or 2 grieving children. I can't imagine adding a half sibling would be in their best interest.

Show quote history

But your posts are full of "I can't imagine" "I doubt" "I can't see" etc.

Doctors don't have to imagine because they deal with the actual patients who regret having these procedures.

Therefore, they need to spell these things out so the person making the decision has considered all possible scenarios.

Original poster
pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 10:50

I do know that it is something that needs HUGE consideration and that it is something that should never be undertaken lightly.

Our 2nd DS is now 16 months old so we waited to be sure. I do give DH my opinion when he asks, but ultimately it will be his decision.

If it was a simpler process I'd get it done myself. Because regardless of what happens with DH I know I do not want anymore DC. If a new partner did, that would not be the right partner for me.

If DH did die though, I doubt finding a new man and having babies would be a high priority for me

OP posts:
LoveSandbanks · 15/12/2025 10:51

vitalityvix · 15/12/2025 10:26

I think that’s a bit weird!

DH’s cousin is refusing to get a vasectomy in case things don’t work out with his wife (with whom he has children). It’s wild to me that he’s comfortable essentially saying “I am done having children with you, but should a younger woman come along, I might want more with her”

That’s grounds for divorce alone. What a prick!

Scottishskifun · 15/12/2025 10:52

spottybaghottyhag · 15/12/2025 10:48

And how many times has this happened? The step board is full of it. A lot of people who thought they were finished want a baby to 'cement' a new relationship. On a side note, does NHS fund a vasectomy?

Show quote history

Yes it's a procedure available on the NHS.

OP it's a bit of a standard question to make sure he's doing it foe the right reasons not because my wife wants me to basically. In our area the vasectomy list is long and the number of on the day no shows or mind changes is about 15-20%! Hence they ask before the referral.

Original poster
pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 10:52

spottybaghottyhag · 15/12/2025 10:48

And how many times has this happened? The step board is full of it. A lot of people who thought they were finished want a baby to 'cement' a new relationship. On a side note, does NHS fund a vasectomy?

Show quote history

I'm in Ireland, HSE here doesn't anyway (unless you have a medical card). Not sure about NHS

OP posts:
Oftenaddled · 15/12/2025 10:53

It's a reasonable question assuming the initial discussion was about you as a couple not wanting more children. The doctor is right to ask, does this also apply, in all possible circumstances, to you my patient as an individual.

People use the car crash / walking under to bus scenario because it's impersonal, it's not about the state of someone's health, it's not about the strength of the relationship and it's unlikely but easy to accept as possible.

Many men and women do have children with new partners, as we see here all the time, so even if lots of women wouldn't consider this, it's not a sexist question.