DH asked about vasectomy - GP said what if you wife dies in a car crash!

[pontipinemum]

I know a vasectomy is not something to be done without full consideration but when DH recently went to the GP to ask about going for one, the GP told him he needs to consider all possibilities.

Including - what will you do if your wife dies in a car crash!

I presume he means what would DH do if that did happen and he met a younger woman and wanted children.

DH is 42, I am 37 our DC are 3 and 1. We are completely done! If the worst was to happen to DH, or if we just divorced (hugely unlikely) that wouldn't change the fact I am finished having DC. I certainly don't think I'd be looking for a man to have more babies with.

Anyone else think it was a bit funny?

The snip is by far easier for a man than sterilization for a woman but I think its fair for a GP to ensure an informed decision is made.

How easy or complicated the procedure is is irrelevant, the end result is the same.

I agree with you, OP. I wonder though whether it's possible for men to have sperm stored just in case? Not that they should, I just wondered whether it was an option.

In fairness they want your husband to think of all possible scenarios, that might mean he decides he wants more children. My husband got asked questions when he went to see the GP. I went with him to the appointment, and my husband was asked if he'd discussed it with me. They are covering themselves, and making sure your husband is fully sure he wants a vasectomy, before he's referred. I don't think it's a particularly weird question.

I haven't read the full thread but I was sterilised at 24 by choice which I later found out from others is unusual to be allowed so young.
I remember at my consultation, the very nice female Dr asked me loads of questions including what would happen if one of my DC died (we have two), would that not tempt me to have another, what if my husband died (He was in the army ay the time) or we separated because we were married very young and I went on to meet someone else with no children. A whole lot of different scenarios to be considered.
I wasn't offended or upset by the questions and was quite clear in that I had a boy and a girl, I know I never want anymore children and if we separated, he might meet someone who doesn't have DC but that wouldn't change my opinion.

DH didn't have a vasectomy because the literature used the word puncture so that was the end of it for him lol

We are still married, both DC are still alive and healthy thankfully and we still have no desire to have more children.

I strongly disagree. What would be inappropriate is performing life changing surgery on a person that permanently reverses their fertility without ensuring that they're making a fully informed decision. There are several scenarios which I think a man needs to be aware could happen before they opt for a vasectomy

1. His wife might die
2. One or all of his children might die
3. He might divorce his wife and meet a partner who wants to be a mum
4. His wife might withold contact from his existing children

It's easy to say 'well yeh of course he'll have thought of that' but the fact that OP has posted this is living proof that we really don't like to think about these things and become a bit precious when we're forced to.

Nobody can guarantee that any of these events won't happen, especially the surgeon who barely knows this couple. The surgeon needs to know that the man has taken these scenarios into consideration and the bare minimum is to invite them to consider the possibility. No disrespect to OP as well but it really isn't up to anyone else even the wife to decide how much risk the man should accept or what he might or might not want to do in any of the above scenarios. It should be a man's decision and his only.

How is it tactless? Sure OP would want to know the outcome of the appointment so why should he lie? Is he meant to say he just changed his mind?

And I actually think it's quite patronising to assume a grown man (and his partner) have not considered what that means.

I feel like they ask this sort of stuff at every appointment for vasectomy. My DH was asked oh didn’t you want a girl whilst the surgeon was cutting his balls and I was outside with our two boys.

Many "grown men" who presumably knew what it meant had a vasectomy, got a new partner for whatever reason then gets a reversal in an attempt to have more children. Doctors cannot make assumptions of informed consent, regardless of how patronising it may sound, which is why before any procedure they have to outline all of the risks.

It just feels like more medical misogyny to me even though it may be a reasonable question.

Most women bear the brunt of contraception for years. I took the pill for 15 years. Then we are pregnant and go through childbirth. Afterwards we still have to take the responsibility for contraception. I had breast cancer so no pill. Had to have the copper coil - painful insertion, heavy periods.

Finally you think maybe the DH could actually do something to help here, a simple procedure. But no! What if they want more children at 40, 50, 60 just in case you die. These men must be able to carry on procreating! Women must carry on dealing with contraception or get their tubes tied.

Yes I know there are condoms but nobody really likes them. It is usually on the woman.

So it may be unreasonable of me but
it pisses me off. I have a 50 year old DH who is ‘scared’ to get a vastectomy. I’ve had a double mastectomy FFS. If he finally went to the doctor then with this question I doubt he’d go though with it.

Women are asked to consider the same thing if they are considering sterilisation and rightly so. The Dr’s responsibility is to the patient in front of them, regardless of their sex, and not to their patient’s spouse.

I don't think it's an unreasonable question to ask. My mum says she thought she was completely done having children until she divorced my dad, and then she realised she was done having children with HIM, but wouldn't rule it out if she met a new man. Obviously not saying that you're a rubbish wife, but just to point out that it's not inconceivable for a man to think he's done having kids, then remarry and change his mind. So I think it would be remiss of the doctor to just do something permanent without making sure your husband had reflected on all the possibilities...

Tbh I think it’s reasonable. When I was considering a hysterectomy (large fibroids) the dr asked me was I absolutely sure I would never want any more children, e.g. if the two I had died.

I get that it’s a reasonable question but it’s another reason for men to take zero responsibility for contraception.

As you can see on here, then the woman ends up having her tubes tied. Whilst the man does nothing…

You could flip that on its head though and ask if you were being asked to have a procedure to permanently reverse your fertility but there was a pill or a reversible device that your man could use that was just as effective at contraception would you feel it appropriate for him to emotionally blackmail you into having the procedure?

I don't think The misogynistic part is that men are given an informed choice whether to have a vasectomy and the autonomy to make that choice. The misogyny is perhaps in the fact that there are so many options out there for women to take responsibility for contraception but only really one very finite one or one comparatively very ineffective one for men...ǰ

Perfectly valid question imo.

I can't help imagining a scenario where the doctor says "What will you do if your wife dies in a car crash" and the man replies "Well, that would also stop us having more children, but I would much prefer just having the vasectomy"

Its not really though. A partner dying in a car crash doesn't alter whether a man feels he has already produced enough children as he can (or wants to) care for, financially and emotionally. This should be what drives him to end his fertility.

I said almost the same to my husband. What if I died and you met a woman ten years younger? What if me AND the kids died in a car crash and you met someone younger?

I’m a catastrophiser!

What a highly inappropriate thing to say to a patient, not to mention unprofessional.
It almost sounds as if your DH is a personal friend of GP; can't think of another situation where this comment is appropriate professionally or appreciated; wow.
No, I don't feel this comment was 'funny' at all, in fact, I'd be considering a complaint against GP.

I know two men who regretted it ..divorced and wasn’t expected. New women wanted children and they had a painful choice to make - their man or giving up on having children.

My EXH refused a vasectomy on the grounds that he might want more children if we broke up (this when we were happily married). Well we did break up and he did have more children.
So he was right but my god it upset me when he said that.

I think it's a fair question (but there might be slightly more sensitive/tactful ways of asking).

I once got chatting to a woman in a playground who said she would never consider being sterilised in case in case one of her children died. At the time I thought it sounded very morbid and I was shocked by the matter of fact way she came out with it... (I choose not to dwell on such possibilities), but could also see her point of view.

You've confused should and is.

The reality is that when a relationship has ended, be it through death or separation, both men and women commonly enough feel they want a child in their next relationship to make this a sensible question to ask.

It is not a good idea to provide healthcare on the basis that people should behave in a way that fits someone else's moral framework. This would be a bad road to go down.

Seems reasonable to me.

the topic of adoption came up when dh got his, the dr said “it’s not the same” dh was like I am adopted…
awkward silence after that 😆