Page 3 | DH asked about vasectomy - GP said what if you wife dies in a car crash!

ImFineItsAllFine · 15/12/2025 11:20

They just want to make sure your DH has had a really good think about it. The reversal op isn't available on the nhs and doesn't always work, so they want men to approach it as something that is permanent.

Laiste · 15/12/2025 11:22

So he's 42. Well this has made me think OP!

At 42 would a married woman asking for sterilisation be quizzed on children in 'future relationships if there's a disaster' ? Given that that scenario would take min of a couple of years to play out (you'd hope!) so you're looking at someone 44/45 by then.

I know medically speaking men can father children through their 40s and 50s and beyond, but if it's ''selfish to have a baby too late in life'' wrt being around to see the child grow up ect, for women why not for men?

Why is a GP thinking it's important a man can keep banging out kids for as long as medically poss ?

AllPlayedOut · 15/12/2025 11:22

Onetimeusername1 · 15/12/2025 11:16

I get it, the GP should only have concern for his patient but...Christ on a cracker, I think there should be some balance and wider context included in the statement. Something along the lines of: but what would happen if your wife died in an accident and your grieving children only had you and you decide you want to divert your attention/time to pursuing a new woman and divide your attention/time further by having more children.

Nonsense. It isn’t the Dr’s job to consider the morality of having another child in such a scenario. That’s the role of the child’s parent(s) It is their job to make their patient aware of all potential risks and get them to consider any possible situations that could possibly change their decision and should at least be taken into consideration.

It isn’t exactly reassuring to be told that a risk of surgery is death. Some may find it extremely distressing but though it’s unlikely it is still theoretically possible and I don’t think that Doctors shouldn’t include it in their list of risks just because it might upset someone.

Screamingabdabz · 15/12/2025 11:23

Yanbu Op. It’s misogny pure and simple. There are better ways to ask a patient if they’ve considered future consequences of the decision rather than ask that. Good on your DH for stepping up and doing his family duty. All the men in my family and friendship groups have had the snip - it’s a right of passage and what all good men should do if they care about their wives and families.

JustAnotherMinionForAMerchantOfDeath · 15/12/2025 11:24

Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService · 15/12/2025 10:42

Of course they need to be certain that all candidates for vasectomy or sterilisation understand fully that it's a final decision - especially as a lot of people casually mention reversing vasectomies, in a way that suggests that they think it's very straightforward and problem-free to do, and that a vasectomy is nothing more than 'pausing' a man's fertility.

That said, it should be sufficient to mention separation and untimely death - possibly phrased as "some people find/decide/consider" - without being quite so blunt about it.

The main issue is that it's a sexist question to ask. Basically, your DH has said that, as one parent of two children, that's enough for you both to look after and bring up. If you did tragically die (and why are these things always framed as a car crash or being run over by a bus, rather than illness?!), those two children would still exist, so he would then have much more parenting on his plate - one parent to raise them alone instead of two together - so surely deliberately trying to have having more children with that on his plate would be a very strange choice indeed?!

Even if they were grown up and independent, he would still be the proud father of two lovely adult children, and nothing would change that.

Do they ask women wanting sterilisations what they would do if their DH died and they wanted more children with a new partner (if still young enough), in addition to the ones that they already decided were enough when there were two parents to look after them and are still here?

Yes they do ask women.

I have two children, one IVF, one natural. The IVF clinic wouldn’t allow me to make the decision to donate my embryos to science while I was pregnant. They asked me to wait until I was two or three months postpartum (and to be fair to them didn’t charge me for the storage in that time once I confirmed we wanted to donate).

I was sterilised after my second and the consultant was very clear I had to consider what I might want in the event of divorce or death before they could agree. It helped that I have very difficult pregnancies, had already been through infertility, and was at an age where the likelihood of grieving, finding someone new, blending them into my family’s life and still having time to have a child was biologically unlikely. But they did still have to ask.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/12/2025 11:27

Supersimkin7 · 15/12/2025 10:26

I’m afraid it’s a perfectly reasonable question - how tactless of DP to tell you. Bit much, that.

Medics have to make sure DH is fully aware of his choices.

I agree that it's a perfectly reasonable question to ask And much more concrete than 'what if you were to enter a new relationship?' (to which the immediate reaction would be along the lines of 'well. I won't be')

DonicaLewinsky · 15/12/2025 11:29

Laiste · 15/12/2025 11:22

So he's 42. Well this has made me think OP!

At 42 would a married woman asking for sterilisation be quizzed on children in 'future relationships if there's a disaster' ? Given that that scenario would take min of a couple of years to play out (you'd hope!) so you're looking at someone 44/45 by then.

I know medically speaking men can father children through their 40s and 50s and beyond, but if it's ''selfish to have a baby too late in life'' wrt being around to see the child grow up ect, for women why not for men?

Why is a GP thinking it's important a man can keep banging out kids for as long as medically poss ?

Nothing in this exchange suggests the GP wouldn't think such behaviour was selfish. But it's a bad idea for HCPs to base their care on patients behaving in a way they consider optimum.

I'd be extremely unimpressed with a GP who attributed any value at all to the hope that a woman would wait at least 2 years to get pregnant again after a 'disaster'!

Poppingby · 15/12/2025 11:30

Honestly I asked DH this when he had his vasectomy. Not having kids would be a dealbreaker for some women and I wouldn't want him to be alone because of that. He doesn't want any more children though whatever happens so he had it done. I personally think it's very final but maybe I'm a commitmentphobe.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/12/2025 11:30

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 15/12/2025 10:33

Perfectly reasonable.

You only have to look at the number of threads on here from posters who are entering into relationships with men who have had a vasectomy and the casual way in which they talk about reversal as if it’s that simple. It isn’t.

So if you’re going to have a vasectomy you need to do so on the understanding that means no children. Ever. And that includes meeting someone else in the future who might want them.

So it’s not unreasonable to suggest that someone going through sterilisation should think about that.

My mum was sterilised even though my dad had said he would have it done, because she was adamant that she never wanted any more children, but still said that if anything ever happened to her she couldn’t be the one to decide that my dad might not want to have children with someone else, and so she went through the surgery.

That was very thoughtful and generous spirited of your mother

Dinosaursare · 15/12/2025 11:32

Dh was asked the same question. He just said he was done having kids!
We decided on him not me (not only because its a huge surgery for women) because he is the one who is done, whereas I am a tiny bit back and forth

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/12/2025 11:33

Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService · 15/12/2025 10:42

Of course they need to be certain that all candidates for vasectomy or sterilisation understand fully that it's a final decision - especially as a lot of people casually mention reversing vasectomies, in a way that suggests that they think it's very straightforward and problem-free to do, and that a vasectomy is nothing more than 'pausing' a man's fertility.

That said, it should be sufficient to mention separation and untimely death - possibly phrased as "some people find/decide/consider" - without being quite so blunt about it.

The main issue is that it's a sexist question to ask. Basically, your DH has said that, as one parent of two children, that's enough for you both to look after and bring up. If you did tragically die (and why are these things always framed as a car crash or being run over by a bus, rather than illness?!), those two children would still exist, so he would then have much more parenting on his plate - one parent to raise them alone instead of two together - so surely deliberately trying to have having more children with that on his plate would be a very strange choice indeed?!

Even if they were grown up and independent, he would still be the proud father of two lovely adult children, and nothing would change that.

Do they ask women wanting sterilisations what they would do if their DH died and they wanted more children with a new partner (if still young enough), in addition to the ones that they already decided were enough when there were two parents to look after them and are still here?

In answer to your last question, yes, they do. They are very careful to ensure that a woman undertaking an irreversible procedure of this nature has well and truly completed her family, even in unforeseen circumstances

Daisy12Maisie · 15/12/2025 11:34

I wanted 3 children. I had 3 children then one did die. I would have loved another one but for me it wasn’t possible. I have changed my mind set and I am just beyond grateful for the 2 I still have. (I hadn’t been sterilised it just wasn’t possible for me to have another one).

So things do happen and they do have to ask the question.

If he did re marry he might want more children. 42% of marriages end in divorce so it’s not unthinkable that he may end up single/ re marry.

My dad had a vasectomy after 3 children and then my mum and dad got divorced and my mum met someone else and had her 4th child.

I actually know lots and lots of examples.

So I think they have to ask the questions but I don’t think your husband needed to mention it all to you. They are just checking he is sure and he has considered future possible scenarios rather than just thinking of the scenario he is in now.

BashfulClam · 15/12/2025 11:35

pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 10:23

I know a vasectomy is not something to be done without full consideration but when DH recently went to the GP to ask about going for one, the GP told him he needs to consider all possibilities.

Including - what will you do if your wife dies in a car crash!

I presume he means what would DH do if that did happen and he met a younger woman and wanted children.

DH is 42, I am 37 our DC are 3 and 1. We are completely done! If the worst was to happen to DH, or if we just divorced (hugely unlikely) that wouldn't change the fact I am finished having DC. I certainly don't think I'd be looking for a man to have more babies with.

Anyone else think it was a bit funny?

My friends husband was asked ‘what if your children died?’ He replied ‘They are not bloody ornaments and are not replaceable!’ He was approved.

lessglittermoremud · 15/12/2025 11:36

The GP said something similar to my DH when he had a consultation about it although in a more tactful way!
GP asked if DH was sure he didn’t want to have more children in the future, perhaps he would not be with the same partner and another partner may want children…. He didn’t say if your wife dies he just said if we weren’t together for any reason.
My DH said that he even if he wasn’t with me he couldn’t afford to support anymore children to the current standard he does, if he wasn’t with me he wouldn’t have more because he didn’t want to dilute his time and resources more then he does already (we have 3).
Think the GP was a little taken aback by his bluntness but baby number 3 was a surprise for us as DH had dragged his heals a little getting a vasectomy after number 2. After an emergency c-section with number 3 he booked himself straight in 😂
Its a standard question, although the way it was phrased seems a little tactless.

sweetpickle2 · 15/12/2025 11:37

My partner was asked this when he got his, and on talking about it to my parents I discovered my dad was asked some variation of the same when he got his 20+ years ago. It's a bit tactless but I think it's a fairly standard question.

metalbottle · 15/12/2025 11:38

On the flip side - GPs have been sued for apparently not clearly enough explaining the usually irreversible nature (and even when reversible, that isn't usually funded on the NHS) - sounds a clumsy thing to say but as a GP there's a bit of damned if you do and damned if you don't going on here!

MissDoubleU · 15/12/2025 11:38

When I asked to have my tubes tied my GP said absolutely not and added

“What if your children died?”

I was so flabberghasted. I said to be honest I would probably chuck myself off a bridge?? Pretty sure the last thing I’d do is think “oh no, I’d best replace them with new ones!”

Ten years down the line I still don’t want more children. Almost as if people can know what they want. Maddening.

QPZM · 15/12/2025 11:40

pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 11:07

I know I am looking at this too literally. I can be like that.

But I just think if I was to die he would suddenly become the sole parent for 2 DC. He wouldn't have time for another child.

Now if we were to divorce, that would be totally different and something he does need to consider.

But I just think if I was to die he would suddenly become the sole parent for 2 DC. He wouldn't have time for another child.

So what's the problem then?

Is it that you think the Doctor should have somehow known that?

Is it that you think each and every individual patient's circumstances should be known to every member of medical staff?

MissDoubleU · 15/12/2025 11:42

metalbottle · 15/12/2025 11:38

On the flip side - GPs have been sued for apparently not clearly enough explaining the usually irreversible nature (and even when reversible, that isn't usually funded on the NHS) - sounds a clumsy thing to say but as a GP there's a bit of damned if you do and damned if you don't going on here!

Not really. It’s not up to the GP to explain this. They don’t perform the procedure. If referred you have to go through the specialists and it is their job to fully explain everything the procedure is and does and means.

It is not the GP’s job to gatekeep autonomy. If they are worried about it being sued because the patient didn’t have clear information they can make sure the patient has clear information, not say say no altogether or try to convince them out of it.

JohnofWessex · 15/12/2025 11:42

My father did wills for a living and the number of situations that should have been covered but were not that he then had to sort out were legion!

Doggymummar · 15/12/2025 11:46

pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 10:23

I know a vasectomy is not something to be done without full consideration but when DH recently went to the GP to ask about going for one, the GP told him he needs to consider all possibilities.

Including - what will you do if your wife dies in a car crash!

I presume he means what would DH do if that did happen and he met a younger woman and wanted children.

DH is 42, I am 37 our DC are 3 and 1. We are completely done! If the worst was to happen to DH, or if we just divorced (hugely unlikely) that wouldn't change the fact I am finished having DC. I certainly don't think I'd be looking for a man to have more babies with.

Anyone else think it was a bit funny?

Perfectly normal. But perhaps a bit casual. My husband was 46 and the doctor said what if you meet somebody else. He just said I never wanted children and a permanent solution. rather than my wife filling her body with chemicals is the right thing to do.

ChateauMargaux · 15/12/2025 11:48

I say this from the comfort of never having lost a partner and not being divorced before menopause - so the possibility that I could ever consider having more children has long since gone!

I believe that if you decide to have two children and dedicate your parenting to those two children - then you should not go back on that when the next shiny thing comes round the corner.

Having children should not be necessary to cement a new relationship - the children you already have should be enough for you.

Irish eh - so am I, Women are breeding vessels, men have urges that need to be met. Virility is valued in men and sexuality is shameful in women so sex should only take place if there is a possibility of the unit being blessed by children.

metalbottle · 15/12/2025 11:49

MissDoubleU · 15/12/2025 11:42

Not really. It’s not up to the GP to explain this. They don’t perform the procedure. If referred you have to go through the specialists and it is their job to fully explain everything the procedure is and does and means.

It is not the GP’s job to gatekeep autonomy. If they are worried about it being sued because the patient didn’t have clear information they can make sure the patient has clear information, not say say no altogether or try to convince them out of it.

Show quote history

Many referral forms require a tick to say that we have discussed this before referral, or the referral will be rejected - but yes, the specialist will discuss too.

Fernsrus · 15/12/2025 11:50

Supersimkin7 · 15/12/2025 10:26

I’m afraid it’s a perfectly reasonable question - how tactless of DP to tell you. Bit much, that.

Medics have to make sure DH is fully aware of his choices.

It is. DH was told to wait a year in case the baby I was heavily pregnant with died. It’s not pleasant but we weren’t offended, because it’s a good point.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/12/2025 11:51

EuclidianGeometryFan · 15/12/2025 11:06

Slightly off-topic, but in a similar vein, my DH had this when seeing a solicitor about his will. He wanted to leave a sum of money to his DGD and avoid it going to his DIL (complicated family). The solicitor asked who should the money go to if DGD dies before you, or before she is 18.

DH was so upset at thinking about DGD dying, he left and never went back to that solicitor, which to my mind was a bit of an over-reaction on his part, as this is just the sort of thing that has to be thought-through when making a will, and the reason you employ a solicitor instead of filling out a DIY will form.

That is a standard question and a solicitor would be negligent not to ask that question

DH asked about vasectomy - GP said what if you wife dies in a car crash!

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