DH asked about vasectomy - GP said what if you wife dies in a car crash!

[pontipinemum]

I know a vasectomy is not something to be done without full consideration but when DH recently went to the GP to ask about going for one, the GP told him he needs to consider all possibilities.

Including - what will you do if your wife dies in a car crash!

I presume he means what would DH do if that did happen and he met a younger woman and wanted children.

DH is 42, I am 37 our DC are 3 and 1. We are completely done! If the worst was to happen to DH, or if we just divorced (hugely unlikely) that wouldn't change the fact I am finished having DC. I certainly don't think I'd be looking for a man to have more babies with.

Anyone else think it was a bit funny?

Why does any man get a vasectomy then? Since their wives may die and they may want more children?

Think it's fairly normal for GPs to throw that kind of question at men seeking 'the snip'. What if X dies, what if you divorce, etc. Maybe they've seen the result of past choices, maybe they worry about coercion.
Of course, freezing sperm would always be an option (with costs)

Fair point, well made!

My husband got asked how would he feel if all his children died?
I think it's a clumsy standard question.

Oddly when I had a consultation about being sterilised, I was never asked anything like that.

I was asked similar, you say you're done, he needs to make an informed choice himself and, it is perfectly reasonable that before surgery that will remove his fertility forever the doctor checks that he's thought through it all and not just been sent under pressure by his wife.

Not necessarily bad but my personal experience in my friends group of husbands who have had the snip or are on waiting lists (all approaching 40 all with 2+ children) and those who won't even consider it tend to be the more useless husbands and Dads.

They also make stupid comments about not wanting to lose manhood etc.

Nobody should be forced into something they don't want though.

DH opinion is he didn't want more children period or even the risk of it and I had done 8 years contraception and 2 children. Got to say life is definitely more fun and spontaneous now there's a zero chance of pregnancy and no hormonal contraception issues.

My DH was asked similar before his. It’s just to check the patient has considered every aspect as the procedure isn’t easily reversible.

Also your DCs are young. People do change their minds about having another sometimes. In our case, our DCs were 18, 14 & 4!

@Yousay55 you'd be surprised. I’m a GP and I’ve spoken to numerous men wanting vasectomies. A significant proportion of them see it as a form of contraception that is relatively easily reversed on the NHS. Neither of which is the case.

The only widower I know whose wife died young is my BIL, my sister died at 33, he was 39. I don't know if he had, had the snip. But it has been 10 years and he isn't remarried. He has had a few short term relationships.

The eldest is now at uni and the 2nd will finish school in another 2 years. Maybe after that he will find another wife but I have my doubts.

I actually do know two others whose mothers died young and their dads didn't remarry either. One was a guy in my school the other I dated briefly in uni.

Plenty of men don’t have a vasectomy, for that very reason - the fact that they don’t feel ready to render themselves sterile. Other men feel sure enough that whatever happens, they won’t want more children. But it’s a big decision.

It's a very fair point made by the GP.
If they didn't counsel on all possible future scenarios, patients could complain!

It's really not unheard of for widows and widowers, divorced couples and an age-gap marriage to have children.

I don't understand why you think it's weird.

My DH never had the snip for the simple reason that had I died young I'd have wanted him to have the chance of a new relationship and maybe more children. He felt the same.

Either your own life experience is very narrow or you can't imagine these scenrios.

I also know several couples where the man was over 50, divorced with adult kids, and had another family with a new partner.

It was a very direct question! But, my DH and I discussed it in similar terms before he decided to have one. I said something like what if I got run over tomorrow and you met someone else, would you want more children? He knew that he wouldn’t so he had it done.

You may not also know that many men ask for REVERSALS because their circumstances change. Which just proves the point that their decision in the first place was short-sighted.

OP you only have to read MN to see how many men (and women) have second families. It’s the standard blended family line - “I have 2 kids from my first marriage, DH has 3, we have one between us, and another on the way”. Many many people want to have kids with their partner, despite both of them having kids already. Sterilisation (male or female) makes this almost impossible.

DH had his vasectomy at 32, no DC, as we don't want children. As soon as he said "I have Crohn's Disease and a heart problem" he basically didn't get any questions from the doctors! But we went through all the worst case scenarios - including yes if I died maybe he would see things differently, he still decided to go ahead.

I don't think there really is a sensitive way to ask this question - it's blunt because it's about a real, albeit remote, possibility that must be confronted. It's important that whoever is being sterilised understands all the implications and yes reversals are very often unsuccessful.

Doctors can't win.
If they didn't mention all the possible future outcomes they wouldn't be doing their job properly.

It's not much different from women having counselling if they choose to have a termination. They will be asked to consider all possible outcomes.

OP as a GP I always say, when asked for a vasectomy referral , “you need to see this as permanent. Vasectomies are reversed, but it’s only done privately and the success rates aren’t good. Are you certain that whatever happened to any of your family, you definitely wouldn’t want more children?”. I then have to go on to tell them about the failure rate of vasectomies (about 2 per 1000) , which always feels a bit contradictory !

Tbh it's a discussion you should have had before the g.p appointment!
I remember when I had young DC and DH was about about 35 and we discussed if anything happened to me and he met someone would he want anymore children because it's a reality that could happen !
I said I was happy to have no more but if he wanted more even if I died that's his choice but he definitely didn't want anymore than the 2 we have been blessed with !
You have to think of every scenario!

Of course docors will ask questions like this! A vasectomy is not something to have done without thinking through all scenarios.My husband was asked all sorts of questions,he answered them!He then died not long after having a vasectomy.It is not that uncommon for people to die young.

So nothing “funny” at all about this.Doctors can’t win these days.

Because having considered things in the round, theyve decided on balance that a vasectomy is the best course of action.

Yes.

@Delatron It’s no different than someone absolutely knowing that they want to be childfree. If you’ve had two children, for example, you may absolutely know that you don’t want more/couldn’t cope with more regardless of your circumstances.

We’re very lucky to live in an era when we do have these choices!

We did discuss it before. We have discussed it for probably 4 years at this point.

But we all know older men with, maybe teenage or adult children, who meet a younger partner and then have another baby (or two). It happens, OP, regardless of what you think he would want or "have time for".

It focuses the mind, which is what the GP intended.

Yes there are choices if the men are willing to have the vasectomy. If they are not then all the burden is on the woman as it has been for the whole relationship. I guess the issue is when there’s disagreement in the relationship.

Think my DH is just basically dragging his heels until I’m through the menopause. Which is nice. But as long as he can protect his fertility at 50 that’s the main thing!

Obviously you can’t force anyone or blackmail them to have a vasectomy but if they are willing it’s nice for them to absorb some of the burden of contraception finally.