DH asked about vasectomy - GP said what if you wife dies in a car crash!

[pontipinemum]

I know a vasectomy is not something to be done without full consideration but when DH recently went to the GP to ask about going for one, the GP told him he needs to consider all possibilities.

Including - what will you do if your wife dies in a car crash!

I presume he means what would DH do if that did happen and he met a younger woman and wanted children.

DH is 42, I am 37 our DC are 3 and 1. We are completely done! If the worst was to happen to DH, or if we just divorced (hugely unlikely) that wouldn't change the fact I am finished having DC. I certainly don't think I'd be looking for a man to have more babies with.

Anyone else think it was a bit funny?

They asked my DH this too. He said he’d be far too busy dealing with three grieving children to think about having more babies with another woman.

Doctor said similar to my dh,he also said what if our dc’s were to die!

How?

Well, not if they'd died with you. Maybe I'm hardened as my DM's first DC died, but I always think of the worst case scenario and I don't think it's a harsh thing to consider. Terrible things happen. All you're doing is testing how resolved the decision is. If the answer is still that he's certain he wants the snip, that's fine. There's no damage from having the discussion.

This is all standard stuff. It’s irreversible so you have to consider all possible situations.

It’s also not that rare for men in particular to go on and have second families. It’s your DH having the procedure so the GP has to go with his best interests and not yours.

One of the DC in my DDs class lost their Mum due to cancer when they were very young. It looks like their Dad has met someone new and maybe they will want children together? It’s about 10 years since his wife died so he hasn’t rushed into it and life is short. People change their mind all the time.

Also there was a very sad neonatal and maternal death following a home birth in manchester recently. One of the criticisms was that the healthcare professionals didn’t clearly spell out that death was a risk to avoid upsetting the patient.

A) 16m isn't that long to have "waited"
B) it's not about what you want. To the GP, your DH is the patient, not you. He has to ensure DH has considered everything
C) maybe your DH feels unsure about whether he might want more kids in various scenarios, he doesn't have to share that with you
D) I think the only thing you need to question, is what your DHs answer was.

And yes, the NHS does fund it in the UK.

"I can't imagine adding a half sibling would be in their best interest."
This is a rather Self-righteous

You cannot say or not say how they will feel, that will be up for them to feel however they will but decision lies with the parent if they have other kids or not anyway.

One could say it is not in the best interest of your husband to have the snip because of what-ifs.

It is just reality

Standard question, I was asked exactly that thirty plus years ago. It did make me think a bit but for medical reasons I knew I wasn’t going to have another child but didn’t want to have my husband forced to make as final a decision.

I'm astonished by the number of posters insisting that their husband wouldn't remarry and have more children if they died! It happens all the time. Loads of widowers move on very quickly, even though it's not in their children's best interests.

Its not weird at all. They dont want your DH to make a mistake so 'worst case scenario' question is appropriate.

TBH my partner had his when he was early 30's and they were reluctant to do it. I had just had our second child and we were 100% sure we did not want more regardless. He wanted me to come off the pill so he went in and declared if my wife and 2 children drove off a cliff tomorrow he wouldnt want more children and still would not regret a vasectomy. He had it done a few months later.

BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneys

Sorry, nothing to do with the thread but your username is inspired.

Tbh, it's a reasonable point to consider.

So many men think they're done having kids, but later on get with a woman who wants kids and end up trying to reverse the vasectomy, which isn't always successful.

Life happens and situations change. How he feels today, is different than he may feel in 5 years time, if you split up and be meets someone else.

It's a lot easier for a man to consider having children later on, as they're not the ones carrying it and putting they're bodies through the stress of pregnancy.

DB got divorced and was done having DC with his first wife, but went on to have another when he married again.

Doctors are tactless as well as anyone else despite their qualifications.

We spoke about this too. He was still insistent that if all four of us were wiped out, there’s no way he’d ever want more kids. He would probably, in this scenario, be joining us if you get my drift.

It's a perfectly reasonable question to ask. A woman who asks to be sterilised while still of 'child-bearing age' gets asked a lot more questions than that, I can assure you, so I don't see why men wouldn't get questioned in the same way.

My cousin's husband had a vasectomy at his first wife's request. She left him a year later. My cousin would have loved to have children and he would have loved to have children with her, but because of his previous vasectomy it wasn't possible (reversal wasn't successful) and he's said many times that it was the biggest regret of his life.

Of course, a vasectomy is a great idea for plenty of men and I'm really glad they're readily available - they're often a great decision. My dad had one when I was a child and I know a few of my male friends have had them too and it's been great for them and their partners. But it's still a decision that should be considered very carefully, and properly explored by the doctor making the referral.

It’s mind boggling to me because I don’t understand the need to validate relationships with children, I’ve had my 2 children and what ever happens between DH and I doesn’t change that, I wanted 2 children, I had 2 children, end of story.

But lots of people don’t think like that, as you’ll see no doubt on this thread but definitely on other threads about vasectomies, and for that reason it’s a valid question.

At the end of the day it’s elective surgery. The dr has a responsibility to make sure their patient has thought it through

Given that vasectomy is regarded as irreversible I'd have thought a GP would have some 'scripted' questions to make sure the prospective 'snipee' had thought it through,

Friend's partner was asked "what if you meet a pretty young thing?! It was in the early 90's (still no excuse but there we are) to which he replied he was already with a pretty young thing.

Maybe not straight away, but if he met someone a couple of years later and love blossoms, he may feel differently.

Even if he was content not having anymore kids, he may find that unless his new partner already has kids, it would be a dealbreaker and he has kids to keep the relationship.

It's either:

he has stepkids and some men don't want that

he gets with a woman who doesn't want kids, but is happy to be a stepmum

OR

be agrees to become a dad again with a woman who doesn't have DC

A lot of older dads with kids from the first marriage/relationship would be fine without more kids, but men being men, means a 50 year old man can get with a 30 year old woman who doesn't have kids and wants them.

She can present as a great stepmum with lots of energy for the kids and that's hard to pass up for some men. Especially those who relied on their wife to do most of the childcare and domestic work.

It's why there's a lot of conflict between stepmums and mums, because the dads pass on their parental duties to the new partner. You barely get stepdads moaning about the stepkids dad, because they leave parenting to their partner.

Men/dads on the hand, rely heavily on their new partner for childcare, pick ups, preparing meals, laundry etc and there's a shed load of women willing to be in this position to get a good man, because the single ones without kids (at a certain age) are rubbish, so they settle for being a SM.

This went a lot deeper than I intended, but I see it a lot in my line of work.

I don't think it's a crazy thing to ask at all.

What people need to understand is that, while you think about probability, as in:
"It is vanishingly unlikely that I will die in a car crash, or my child will die"

a doctor will think in terms of statistics, as in:
"I talk to thousands of patients; some of them (maybe only 1 or 2) will find themselves in xyz position and I would be failing in my duty of care towards them if I failed to mention the possibility"

The Drs do have to be sure you know your own mind and have considered it properly but surely no one has a vasectomy on a whim. There is a certain misogyny to the questions though, I have no DC by choice and tried to have my tubes tied in my 30s only to be told I'd change my mind, or what would I do if I met a man who wanted DC - he wasn't impressed when I told him the man would be out of luck with me

The snip is by far easier for a man than sterilization for a woman but I think its fair for a GP to ensure an informed decision is made. You may both be done now but if you divorce and he meets someone new who wants kids, it has to be a consideration. Only he knows how secure he is in his relationship and how having more kids affects him.

I think the GP has a duty to point out these issues and let DH think about them and if he goes back and says he wants to go ahead, then no harm is done, he has given informed and considered consent to wanting the snip. What is wrong with that? The GP does not knnw what goes on behind closed doors so he has to be practical.

To be fair, when I asked my gynaecologist about being sterilised he was reluctant and said ‘what if you got divorced?’ I was 37, had 2 DC, on my second marriage and absolutely didn’t want more babies. It took another year before they agreed to the op

Its a valid question and has to be asked to make sure that the man understands that vasectomy is permanent. Reversal can sometimes work but cannot be seen as an option when deciding to go ahead.

My Dad was widowed with a five year old, met my mum a good number of years later (she wasn’t younger, not that that matters) and I was born when he was in his mid forties. This was a long time ago but with divorce its still not an uncommon scenario and I know a few men at work over 45, even over 50, with new wives and babies.

It should have stayed between DH and his doctor though, telling you they were talking about your death was uncouth and he has upset you unnecessarily. I’m sorry you had to hear that.