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Original poster

DH asked about vasectomy - GP said what if you wife dies in a car crash!

191 replies

pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 10:23

I know a vasectomy is not something to be done without full consideration but when DH recently went to the GP to ask about going for one, the GP told him he needs to consider all possibilities.

Including - what will you do if your wife dies in a car crash!

I presume he means what would DH do if that did happen and he met a younger woman and wanted children.

DH is 42, I am 37 our DC are 3 and 1. We are completely done! If the worst was to happen to DH, or if we just divorced (hugely unlikely) that wouldn't change the fact I am finished having DC. I certainly don't think I'd be looking for a man to have more babies with.

Anyone else think it was a bit funny?

OP posts:
ThatOpenTraybake · 15/12/2025 11:51

pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 10:50

I do know that it is something that needs HUGE consideration and that it is something that should never be undertaken lightly.

Our 2nd DS is now 16 months old so we waited to be sure. I do give DH my opinion when he asks, but ultimately it will be his decision.

If it was a simpler process I'd get it done myself. Because regardless of what happens with DH I know I do not want anymore DC. If a new partner did, that would not be the right partner for me.

If DH did die though, I doubt finding a new man and having babies would be a high priority for me

Said by thousands of people who changed their minds.

Which the GP will have experienced.

People change their minds all the time, about really important things so a GP has to mention that.

My BF and her partner were 100% sure they didn't ever want DC and didn't ever want there to be a risk.

So her DP asked for a vasectomy on the NHS in his 20s and was turned down which they were very pissed off about as they were both adults with a laundry list of why they didn't want DC and never would and the paternalisitic NHS was being unreasonable.

FF to when they were 40 and suddenly decided they wanted DC and had 2 in 3 years. If natural pregnancies hadn't occurred I'm sure they'd have paid for intervention.

I watched a documentary about a couple whose 3 daughters were tragically killed in a drink driving incident. He'd had a vasectomy after the 3rd DC but had it reversed after the death of their DC so they could have another DC.

People change their minds all the time. Not all of course but enough do.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/12/2025 11:53

pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 11:07

I know I am looking at this too literally. I can be like that.

But I just think if I was to die he would suddenly become the sole parent for 2 DC. He wouldn't have time for another child.

Now if we were to divorce, that would be totally different and something he does need to consider.

But it's not about what you think, you're not the patient. It about what your DH, the patient thinks, including in unforeseen and hopefully unlikely scenarios

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 11:55

pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 11:07

I know I am looking at this too literally. I can be like that.

But I just think if I was to die he would suddenly become the sole parent for 2 DC. He wouldn't have time for another child.

Now if we were to divorce, that would be totally different and something he does need to consider.

I mean this in the nicest way, but a LOT of widowers go on to remarry and have more children - it’s not remotely unusual and often happens quicker than people like to think.

I know it’s uncomfortable to think about.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General health
whatdoyouthink123456 · 15/12/2025 11:55

Ebok1990 · 15/12/2025 11:10

Then the doctor should say, have you fully considered potential changes to your life circumstances in the future. It's not hard to be tactful. There are millions of words available. Chose more appropriate ones.

Show quote history

And while I agree, not everyone will have considered extreme situations.
A friend’s husbands didn’t want to get a vasectomy ‘incase they won the lottery and they could afford more children’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

I guess doctors don’t have the time to beat around the bush. They are addressing worst case scenarios to ensure people’s eyes are open when making the decision.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/12/2025 11:55

Onetimeusername1 · 15/12/2025 11:16

I get it, the GP should only have concern for his patient but...Christ on a cracker, I think there should be some balance and wider context included in the statement. Something along the lines of: but what would happen if your wife died in an accident and your grieving children only had you and you decide you want to divert your attention/time to pursuing a new woman and divide your attention/time further by having more children.

The only bit you forgot to include was: 'and therefore you are having a vasectomy whether you want one or not'

hepsitemiz · 15/12/2025 11:57

DH is 42, I am 37 our DC are 3 and 1. We are completely done! If the worst was to happen to DH, or if we just divorced (hugely unlikely) that wouldn't change the fact I am finished having DC. I certainly don't think I'd be looking for a man to have more babies with.

To be fair, the GP was concerned to know whether your DH was finished having DC, not whether you were.

Having said all that, I agree with PPs that find the way it was put was clumsy, and found the whole thing, if not misogynistic - I wouldn't go that far - , at least another example of good old male chauvinism.

Sadcafe · 15/12/2025 11:57

I understand the reasoning behind the question, but I also fairly sure most men don’t rush into a vasectomy within considering all the implications, including what would happen if your partner left/ died etc.

TrickyD · 15/12/2025 11:58

I am several years older than DH. We agreed that we did not want more children together. I felt that if he died I would not/want more but he was relatively young and if he formed a new relationship I thought a new DW might want children.

We went together to our GP and I explained I would like to be sterilised. He said it was a serious operation and I could die. He asked DH why he wouldn’t choose a vasectomy.

‘It wouldn’t make you any less of a man you know’

A phrase which was gone into many a family conversation.

Nevertheless I got my sterilisation and did not die.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/12/2025 11:58

awrbc81 · 15/12/2025 10:57

I think it’s a very tactless way of making sure your DH has considered all scenarios

I think it's a very to the point way of ensuring that a person wanting sterilisation (male or female) has considered all scenarios, and not just the default relationship breakup one

Owly11 · 15/12/2025 11:59

It is a completely understandable question to ask. If you were to die he might meet someone and want to start a family and he wouldn't be able to. It is irrelevant that you and he are done because in the hypothetical situation you are no longer here and so it will be him and someone else.

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 15/12/2025 11:59

Quite sensible. My ex-DH was asked the same >40 years ago.

pinkdelight · 15/12/2025 12:00

But I just think if I was to die he would suddenly become the sole parent for 2 DC. He wouldn't have time for another child.

He'd have more time with a new DP to share the load and they might want their own DC. It's all hypothetical but it does happen and people change their minds. It's not an unreasonable question and one of those things that is different with men and women. You having another DC is very different to him having more, purely in terms of physical toll. My DH had the snip in his 40s and was certain he didn't want more, but I wouldn't have minded him being asked this, course it's a consideration.

Viviennemary · 15/12/2025 12:00

It was a tactless way to deal with it. But many men n for one reason or another seek a vasectomy reversal. Which doesnt always work and can cost a lot of money.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/12/2025 12:01

Screamingabdabz · 15/12/2025 11:23

Yanbu Op. It’s misogny pure and simple. There are better ways to ask a patient if they’ve considered future consequences of the decision rather than ask that. Good on your DH for stepping up and doing his family duty. All the men in my family and friendship groups have had the snip - it’s a right of passage and what all good men should do if they care about their wives and families.

So only bad men don't have vasectomies??

bizkittt · 15/12/2025 12:02

I wouldn’t want to be sterilised for that reason so I can see why they ask

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 15/12/2025 12:02

pontipinemum · 15/12/2025 10:23

I know a vasectomy is not something to be done without full consideration but when DH recently went to the GP to ask about going for one, the GP told him he needs to consider all possibilities.

Including - what will you do if your wife dies in a car crash!

I presume he means what would DH do if that did happen and he met a younger woman and wanted children.

DH is 42, I am 37 our DC are 3 and 1. We are completely done! If the worst was to happen to DH, or if we just divorced (hugely unlikely) that wouldn't change the fact I am finished having DC. I certainly don't think I'd be looking for a man to have more babies with.

Anyone else think it was a bit funny?

Tactless but perfectly reasonable question to put forwards.
None of us ever expect a relationship to end and many of us say were done having children until our life situation changes.
My husband has children from a previous relationship and swore he would never ever get married again or have any more children.... until he met me!
I know two friends who's husbands (second time round) have had to undergo very complicated vasectomy reversals in order to have more children later in life (that they apparently didnt want 10yrs earlier)

RightSheSaid · 15/12/2025 12:02

Our GP gave my H a pamphlets with the the contraceptives I can use. Arsehole. My H pushed that he wants to be referred. He had the vasectomy years ago. No regrets.

MissDoubleU · 15/12/2025 12:02

metalbottle · 15/12/2025 11:49

Many referral forms require a tick to say that we have discussed this before referral, or the referral will be rejected - but yes, the specialist will discuss too.

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Then you discuss it - it’s quite simple. Surely the only logical thing here is to discuss the medical facts and outcomes of a procedure. Making inflammatory and oftentimes offensive statements about impossible to know futures the patient may one day live has no grounds on a medial decision or how informed the patient is. As I said before, I was I asked by a GP what I would do if my own children died and I couldn’t replace them. My MIL was asked the exact same thing many years previous when she wanted the procedure done. How is that (or what OP experienced) normal and justified over the medial facts as they are?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/12/2025 12:05

Sadcafe · 15/12/2025 11:57

I understand the reasoning behind the question, but I also fairly sure most men don’t rush into a vasectomy within considering all the implications, including what would happen if your partner left/ died etc.

A lot of people think they're easily reversible (and are unaware of the risk of complications)

Sadcafe · 15/12/2025 12:07

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/12/2025 12:05

A lot of people think they're easily reversible (and are unaware of the risk of complications)

Edited
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Very true, but do your research first

pinkdelight · 15/12/2025 12:08

Sadcafe · 15/12/2025 12:07

Very true, but do your research first

Show quote history

Some people do, but some don't so it's best for the GP to make sure they've thought it through fully. Too late when they rock up later wanting a reversal to say they should've done their research.

SnowFrogJelly · 15/12/2025 12:10

Change GP that’s awful

MissDoubleU · 15/12/2025 12:11

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/12/2025 12:05

A lot of people think they're easily reversible (and are unaware of the risk of complications)

Edited
Show quote history

Then the answer is to be clear about the medial facts. They cannot always be reversed and should be treated as permenant: all risks laid out as they exist.

It is a personal decision to make. A friend of mine had his done when he was in his early 20’s. Zero children. Zero desire. Now in his 40’s he still has zero regret. He says it has given him a lifetime of peace. Should he be denied autonomy because he may one day have had a broody wife..?

If a full informed adult makes the decision and later changes their mind that is on them. They have to make their peace with it. It should not because of them be denied to others, or made so much more difficult to obtain by those begging for this solution.

CatchTheWind1920 · 15/12/2025 12:11

The way it was worded was a bit insensitive yeah, but my DH is going for a vasectomy next year and even I asked him, what if we split up, would you want more with someone else? And he said no way 😅 we discussed it in detail, going through all possibilities, even morbid ones. We are 41/36 with 2 DC and we are both done.

fungibletoken · 15/12/2025 12:14

Like others I think it's an important point to make, but it was a mistake for the GP to use such an extreme example. The point was to get your DH to consider something that might not have occurred to him, but by resorting to extremes you risk knee-jerk defensive reactions - "no of course I won't do that".

With my last DC I was due to have a planned c-section and read that it was an option to have a coil fitted or even be sterilised during the op. I fleetingly pondered the latter but they went on to say you should consider whether you'd feel any differently about it if your baby sadly didn't survive. I thought it was a good point and they conveyed it tactfully.