DC moving 100s of miles away, accomodation for me...

[Sunshinesmon]

He's moving to a beautiful part of the country, one that has lots of lovely memories of our family holidays. It's a long way away, which is sad for me, but I'm excited for him.

It's a place I love too and before DC, DH (now deceased) and I used to go there to do various outdoorsy stuff c. once a month, despite the distance.

DS will be living with GF and they have no space for me, but I would like to visit frequently if I can. I'm thinking I'll occupy myself during the day and hope to meet up for food in the evenings. They'll both be working shifts so I'll try to time things so I can see DS while she's working, rather than intrude on their time and treat them both to a meal when shifts allow. Does that sound OK, not too overbearing "MIL"? Or like I'm a avoiding her?

This is likely to be expensive for me. They'll be in their first (rented) home and saving for a house, I'm going to treat them if we eat out, plus travel and accomodation - booking a room as a solo traveller basically means paying double.

Any great ideas to make this more affordable?

The word frequently worries me. If I was the girlfriend I'd be very twitchy. Have you discussed your plans with your son at all?

Do you have an open-ended invitation from them or will you just be turning up?

Have a look at Premier Inn & Travelodge @Sunshinesmon

Prices depend on when you want to go but you can book rooms from as little as £35-40

Too overbearing. Wait until they've moved in, let them settle down. Then see how the land lies re guests.

Define frequently?

Yeah…..maybe speak to your son about how often he would like a visit, and encourage him to discuss with his girlfriend before answering you. You don’t want to be the overbearing MIL that intrudes on their new lives together.

Yes, what is ‘frequently?’

I think you need to check with DS how much visiting they are expecting.

Do I need an invitation to go to one of my favourite places and occupy myself doing my favourite things?

I will of course discuss it with them and agree dates etc, but I am trying to find a way to visit without imposing on them.

It's 500 miles away, it's not going to be that frequent and I'm deliberately not suggesting they should spend a whole weekend with me.

Be clear in your head whether you’d go so “frequently” if they weren’t there: are you doing this to stay in their lives, or to go to the location? If the former, is this going to be okay with them? I’ve never worked shifts but from my understanding getting time together + time to do your own things (even as boring as running errands or vegetating because you’re knackered) isn’t as straight forward as if you’re both 9-5. How would you feel if you went there and got a last minute call saying “not tonight mum, I’m knackered and just want to eat something in front of the Telly and go to bed”.

Don't put pressure on them when they are just starting their new life to entertain you frequently. It sounds oppressive.

You should wait for an invitation.

Wait to be asked OP. It reads as though you’ll be there a lot, brightly saying “don’t mind me”. Which for them will be impossible

Find somewhere else you like, nearer and more affordable, to make your own.

I do go to this location c.twice a year anyway, usually for a couple of weeks. I'm thinking 3/4 shorter trips too.

How frequently? That is big thing. If they are working different shifts there time off together could be limited. They may prefer to spend that time together alone rather than going out to dinner with you.

Also this place is a holiday destination to you but it is going to be their daily life. They may not want to be hosting and entertaining frequently. They still have to do the shop, clean the house. Daily life still has to happen

Agree you need to say how frequently you'll be visiting and is your son and his partner in agreement? Visiting less frequently and you'll save money.

If you haven’t been going all this time, and will be starting this when they moved, then yes, this is overbearing. Saying you don’t expect to seem them seems a bit of emotional blackmail, unless you will be absolutely fine with not seeing them at all, even if it’s most of your visits.

Well, one way to visit without imposing on them is to go without telling them! Or more realistically to let them know a couple of days beforehand that you’ll be there between Friday and Sunday evening, you have plans but if they want to meet up you can but no pressure. Basically, zero expectation placed on them.

Just saw your update. It seems a bit much.

This is very much my place. I introduced DS to it, I had my first holiday with DH there, I still go regularly with my younger son, I've recently taken new(ish) DP there, which was a huge step considering the history with DH.

You already go twice a year for two weeks each time? Why won’t you just stick to this? Why do you want to go for 3 or 4 more trips per year?

Ds lives 6 hours away with his fiancée. We are welcome wherever we want to go really and vice versa. I would say we see each other every 4 months. If we go we either stay with them or have a hotel. Spend time with them, take them out for a meal and do a bit of exploring just us. It is lovely to spend time with them and we do all get on.

So 6 trips a year. Crikey. Far too much.

So your DS moves away and you have no expectation that you'll spend time with him ever again? You'd drive 500 miles on the off chance he'd be available?

I don't think DS (or GF) would see any of that as reasonable.

This sounds perfect.

I know you're trying not to be overbearing, but you're really coming across as though you are fully going to be overbearing, and that they will just have to get on with it because you feel its 'your' place to go.

4 weeks a year plus 4 other trips, that you've decided, with no discussion, is a lot.