DC moving 100s of miles away, accomodation for me...

[Sunshinesmon]

He's moving to a beautiful part of the country, one that has lots of lovely memories of our family holidays. It's a long way away, which is sad for me, but I'm excited for him.

It's a place I love too and before DC, DH (now deceased) and I used to go there to do various outdoorsy stuff c. once a month, despite the distance.

DS will be living with GF and they have no space for me, but I would like to visit frequently if I can. I'm thinking I'll occupy myself during the day and hope to meet up for food in the evenings. They'll both be working shifts so I'll try to time things so I can see DS while she's working, rather than intrude on their time and treat them both to a meal when shifts allow. Does that sound OK, not too overbearing "MIL"? Or like I'm a avoiding her?

This is likely to be expensive for me. They'll be in their first (rented) home and saving for a house, I'm going to treat them if we eat out, plus travel and accomodation - booking a room as a solo traveller basically means paying double.

Any great ideas to make this more affordable?

Sure, but you're already planning additional yearly trips... would you really be OK with them saying, "actually, that's not convenient for us" for those extra short trips - or would you be put out by them saying no?

It just seems intense. I need to go back and check if you expect to stay with them because that would be a lot, if so.

Edit: sorry, crossposted on accommodation issue.

Could you get yourself a mini caravan (eg this lovely little one and plan yourself regular tours around the region which allow you to visit them occasionally but keep yourself occupied elsewhere much of the time. If they are working they may not want to see you lots because they willwant plenty of time wheb its just the two of them.

Because no one in their right mind would think that’s it’s ok to plan to keep popping up uninvited and expect to just slot in with whatever the young couple are doing when their shift patterns allow

you do come across as DESPERATE

and since you have lost your husband and now son you haven’t found your own even keel and are relying on others

perhaps you are filling every moment - that’s another response that still means you haven’t found your own life but are parasitically living off others

But this risks making the couple feel obliged to see @Sunshinesmon - if they refuse, they are likely to offend/upset her.

Talking about timings basically says I am coming when exactly should I come

give them space
let them invite you

You've mentioned several times that you'd like to 'treat' them to dinner. I'm sure as working adults a meal out isn't a novelty. It almost seems like you feel entitled to their time if you're paying.

Be careful. On Mumsnet, wanting to see adult children more often than once a year for 2 hours sometime in December is being overbearing, overstepping, the MIL from Hell, needy…

You're going to go ahead anyway and dismiss any replies on here that you disagree with so why ask?
Sounds horribly overbearing to me and I would run a mile (or at least 500 more) if I was the GF!

I'm a mum of grown-up kids and the 'frequently' rings alarm bells for me, as does the planning to see DS without his GF... I'm sure you don't mean it but it does sounds a bit suffocating...

Actually yes, I'd be fine. I'd like to think DS wants to stay in touch, but if their lives are too busy for us to fit in with each other's schedules, I be pleased for them.

I actually think they'll be excited to show me their new haunts. DS loves to tell me all the details of e.g. his work.

I wouldn’t even start thinking about this until they have actually moved and lived there for six months.

It’s a good thing that he has chosen to live somewhere that your family has a connection with. However to me, it feels like you are trying to take over this exciting time in his life. You are pushing yourself in. ‘What about me’ shouldn’t be what you are thinking at the moment.

OP I don’t think any individual thing you’ve said is an issue. Depending on your relationship I don’t think the frequency is an issue (though would you not ever want them to visit you?). It’s more that the tone of your opening post is you wanting to put a big plan in place to spend as much time there as possible, even though it’s not necessarily affordable. As opposed to being a bit more easygoing about seeing how they get on, how they settle in to their shifts, how busy they are, etc etc.

I would put the ball in their court: “I’d love to see you when I come on my normal holidays, staying in my normal accommodation, but I’d love to see a bit more of you too, perhaps you could let me know when there’s a weekend I could pop up and take you out to dinner once you’re all settled in?” Yes I do think that seeing him while she’s on shift is potentially awkward, but again I don’t think you should try to make decisions about it before they’ve had time to settle in to their new life.

I'm not dismissing anything, I'm considering options, haven't done anything yet and won't until I've talked to them.

You'd object to your BF seeing his mother 6 times a year?

DD moved away for Uni so a slightly different situation. She is far busier than me so we set ground rules early. Okìn

But you said frequently ! I would let them settle in and don’t ever just turn up unannounced which I don’t think you would . AirBnB might be an option

I'm going against the grain and saying this sounds fine. I would think it's so strange to only see my Mum twice per year. Unless he's moving away to explicitly get away from you then I would think regular short trips are very normal. If he lived up the road then you would go and see him six times a year. You have things you want to do so there's no pressure on them to entertain you.

All the 'starting his own life' comments. I don't think those same comments would be made about a daughter. He's moving with his girlfriend, he isn't starting a life (which was presumably already started), he's just moving. Stay flexible, be excited to see the GF, and keep the lines of communication open.

There is a bit of a dislike of in-laws on MN. My friends see their MILs every two to three weeks and get along great. One of my closest friends was thrilled when her mum and grandma moved to the same area she'd moved to 1.5 hours away from home. Lots of families are close!

I suppose. Or they could just say 'Aw, sorry, hectic week then. Next time.'

If you go twice a year for your holidays, continue to do that. Do it for your holidays, because you love this place, and do the same things you normally do when there. Let DS know when the dates are and suggest meeting up. He'll be expecting this because he knows you holiday there twice a year. That's not overbearing.

What is overbearing is ADDING an extra four trips a year solely because DS now lives there. This is not you continuing your long held traditions. Unless he has invited you without any pressure, this is being overbearing. If you want to visit your DS more than twice a year (totally reasonable) then wait for him to invite you. Also presumably he will visit you too, so it will be more often than just your visits to him.

OP you really, really need to take note of some of the posts on here.

Planning to visit between 5-6 times a year (before they've even moved) is far too much. It doesn't matter if you would go there on holiday anyway. Your son will feel obliged to meet up with you and guilty if he doesn't see you as much as you want. All this "it doesn't matter if they're busy as I'll just do my own thing" is nonsense.

You wouldn't be going if it wasn't to see your son. And he will know that.

Also, not sure why you have said you will be travelling solo. Why would your DP or your other son not be going with you? At least that takes the pressure off your son a bit more if he knows you're not on your own...

People really do want to see the worst in "MILs".

They're young people in rented accomodation saving for a house. I was only saying that I'd expect to pay so that my visit doesn't cost them anything.

I think you’re getting a really hard time here. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to see your son 6 times a year, especially with the type of plans you are making. Mother of two adult children here who moved away for work. I was very pleased for them but we still see each other every month or so

They won't be "new haunts" after the 4th / 5th / 6th visits though.....

Come on, now - do you have anyone in your life that “expects” you to see them at any given point? Do you “expect” anyone to see you? Don’t you just see the people you want to see at mutually agreeable times?

If anyone told me to be at xyz place at abc time, or asked me to choose between three possible options of their choosing, I’d be asking them who they think they are and declining any such “invitations”. When I see people it’s because I want to: I travelled across two oceans, leaving young DC with my MIL, to go home to help my DM after surgery because I wanted to, not because she expected me to do so. Timing (terrible being in the middle of term for us) was dictated by the NHS. If she had expected it I would have told her to use some of her hoarded wealth to pay for home help.

I like travelling on my own and esppecially like being in the great outdoors on my own. I can be more flexible as I'm working freelance winding down to retirement. DS and DP may come sometimes, but that would depend on dates etc.

If you want to visit your DS more than twice a year (totally reasonable) then wait for him to invite you. Also presumably he will visit you too, so it will be more often than just your visits to him.

Yeah, I did think he'll presumably come see you, too?

Anyway, at least give them some time to settle in. It took my six months to feel at home last time I moved.