DC moving 100s of miles away, accomodation for me...

[Sunshinesmon]

He's moving to a beautiful part of the country, one that has lots of lovely memories of our family holidays. It's a long way away, which is sad for me, but I'm excited for him.

It's a place I love too and before DC, DH (now deceased) and I used to go there to do various outdoorsy stuff c. once a month, despite the distance.

DS will be living with GF and they have no space for me, but I would like to visit frequently if I can. I'm thinking I'll occupy myself during the day and hope to meet up for food in the evenings. They'll both be working shifts so I'll try to time things so I can see DS while she's working, rather than intrude on their time and treat them both to a meal when shifts allow. Does that sound OK, not too overbearing "MIL"? Or like I'm a avoiding her?

This is likely to be expensive for me. They'll be in their first (rented) home and saving for a house, I'm going to treat them if we eat out, plus travel and accomodation - booking a room as a solo traveller basically means paying double.

Any great ideas to make this more affordable?

Ah but in your answer to me, you have framed this as a 'loose plan that you may not even follow through with.' What if your son and his GF did the same. Saw your coming up as a 'loose plan' and didn't follow through with meeting you for coffee or a beer? More than once...

(You are the one who pointed out that this would make you unhappy).

You definitely are projecting. I do have a very busy life with hobbies(as i posted upthread), no intention at all of setting foot in their accomodation unless asked, and would be disappointed not to have time to do my own thing whist there.

🤣 I think people are now determined to find fault.

The overall plan is very loose and may not happen.

If I've planned and agreed an actual visit, of course I'd follow through.

We’re the ones living away (in a popular holiday destination with lots of other expats), our families are always welcome to visit for as long as they want.
We do have a spare room with en-suite but the thing that works best is when they come off-season and stay in a hotel or Air BnB. It gives us the space to live our normal family life (school, work, friends) and enjoy seeing our parents without the pressure of hosting. Like you our parents are happy to do their own things some days and also have some nice days out/meals together too.
Most of our friends find this works best too. If they have a good relationship with their family then the visits are nice, but I think most would agree that having family stay in their homes frequently or for extended periods of time is quite disruptive (especially if they don’t fully understand that this our normal life and not a holiday for us).
Staying in a hotel or Air BnB is definitely easier and less stressful for everyone.

If you want to make it cheaper then I’d look at booking an Air BnB, caravan/park home, or Premier Inn type hotel slightly out of season. If you drive down then it also might be cheaper to book somewhere nearby that is slightly less popular (we book an Air BnB about 8 miles from our home town when we go back to the UK, our families live in a very popular seaside town and it’s about half the price to stay further out).
If you want to make seeing them cheaper then you could always suggest coffee and cake/drinks rather than a full meal. Or if you have an Air BnB you could cook/get a takeaway and invite them round.

As the child (and wife) in this situation I think it’s totally fine to want to see your son more than twice a year, and also not too intrusive as long as you have your own place and don’t expect to be entertained/hosted the whole time.

TBH I'd think it was really rude if I was in their area for several days, a whole six times a year, having discussed the dates beforehand, and they couldn't fit me in for a coffee. But go ahead and pretend you'd be fine with that from your son if you like.

Yes, what else?

We live in London, my in laws live in Devon and we don’t have a spare room.

A few times a year they say ‘we’re going to be up for the weekend on x dates, do you fancy meeting for a meal/coffee/breakfast?’.

Last time they were here for the weekend we saw them for lunch and dinner on the Saturday and breakfast at their hotel on the Sunday. Next week they’re coming to London and we are quite busy with kids stuff so we will see them for dinner only on the Saturday night.

The key is that we don’t feel pressured and we know they have other stuff to do sometimes - it works really well for us and them.

DC moved away for Uni so a slightly different situation. They are far busier than I am; we set the ground rules early.
I text so as not to disturb during lectures and don't expect an answer straight away. My main job is sending photos of the dogs. They ring me, not the other way round (unless it's an emergent situation they need to know about). We have far more calls that way than my friends with DC who live away. They ring most days.
As for visits, DC would like me to go more often. If they say that, at least I know I'm not outstaying my welcome. They know no matter what time day or night it is, if they ring me I will go straight away (it's a four hour drive). This has only happened once when really ill.
DC comes home and knows their GF can too, both were here for this past weekend. I make sure I am available to pick up and drop off at the train station (usually one an hour away) and pay for trips home.
I miss DC immensely, but I'd hate them to not want me there or feel I'm a burdem. I have a life limiting condition and time is precious spent together, although I don't want this to ever define us. I would be even more conscious of this happening if GF lived there.
5/6 visits a year (especially one for 2 weeks), assuming they reciprocate on top might be a bit much for the GF. If you factor in others visiting, including all of her family too.

@op you can pop round mine anytime 🤗my mother, and MIL may or not be here, probably with something home baked that most mumsnetters would need to dunk in a bottle of detol before nibbling three crumbs off the edge.

God this website is odd sometimes 😂

Do you have a relationship with his girlfriend OP? You said she may not so keen to see you?

The only reason I mention it is if you plan on meeting up with your DS when she isn't around, it may seem like you are purposely avoiding her because you only want to see your son, it's a odd time when they establish themselves as a couple in their own right and you need to be careful not to undermine that (even accidentally).

I think it's fantastic that you are willing and able (and offering) to go to them, but I do think you need to be led by both of them as to how much they want you to visit them, they WILL feel obligated to see you because you've gone to great effort to be there.. it's not at all the same as popping in for a cup of tea when you are local etc.

I am a bit baffled as to why you posted OP as you don’t seem to want to listen to any ( quite reasonable) other views.

So I’ll just repeat my original advice, which is wait and see. Be flexible and don’t have any preconceived ideas. That way you won’t be disappointed and they won’t feel under pressure.

The converse of this is how often do we see threads where people who have moved away complain DPs don't make the effort to visit?

I am picking up that the girlfriend may not want these visits, is that the central point here? The issue is with her not your son?

In your place instead of 2 long trips twice a year, I would choose to go 4 times a year for much shorter bursts and maybe a family gathering once a year in the middle? That way you see him more often, but it doesn’t get too much.

I assume he will also be visiting you op?

It sounds like you'd be flexible re dates, but you'd be visiting a set number of times that you want to, regardless of whether they want to see you that much. So not flexible at all really. 6 trips to the same place is unnecessary.

I am listening to everything. There's no harm in challenging. Absolutely nothing has been decided, it's all just ideas.

This seems too much and very overbearing, if I was the girlfriend I would find this odd. As parents we need to accept our children grow up and get their own life, your time would be better spent finding hobbies and interests nearer to home and visiting them occasionally when you can treat them both to a meal and quality time together, rather than frequently and getting on their nerves.

Hmmm. 6 times a year is a lot.

I think you need to be very careful. If you sour your relationship with your DiL it will be very very difficult to mend it again. MN is full of examples of this. Well meaning, but still disconnected from DS due to pissing off DiL.

No, I'm just thinking about what might be possible (and what it might cost). A fixed schedule with a trip every x weeks isn't going to work for me any more than it will for them

I get you, OP. I would want to see my adult DC more than twice a year.

I think with people’s opinions on kind of thing, it can depend very much on whether an adult child moved away for university, because when that happens, contact between parents and their adult offspring does tend to fizzle down to a few times a year, whereas if they live round the corner you probably still see them every week (or more), so people have a different perception on what’s usual, and I do find often on MN that there doesn’t seem ti be any expectation of close relationships between family members once they are adult. Posters themselves often barely see their own parents and therefore have the same expectations for when their own children grow up. Whereas in my family we have always lived within a 20 minute drive.

Given what you say about normally spending 2 x 2 weeks stays in this area but are thinking of adding in extra short visits, what about cutting down the length of time of your longer stays to accommodate a couple of additional short breaks? Bear in mind though that your DS is likely to want to have a couple of trips back home each year to catch up with old friends etc, so you may get the chance to see him without those extra trips away.

Would this still be considered overbearing if it was a mum visiting her daughter?

There are lots of reasons why this might never happen, but I can't see how anyone thinks having a coffee or dinner with your son (and GF if available) approx every 2 months is unreasonable. Or even a handful of hikes a year.

I think 5 or 6 times a year is fine! Honestly that equates to once in a couple of months. Doesnt seem excessive to me at all .

There are also threads where parents will visit but only on their terms, I think this may be veering in to that territory slightly. Won't they as a couple or your son ever be visiting you?

It doesn't sound like you are doing this in consultation with them, it sounds like you have determined the frequency and length of visits and are expecting them to make themselves available during those times.

Why not just play it by ear on a trip by trip basis, rather than tell them what you are expecting of them?

Er, becuase she wants to see her son 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think the word “frequently” has confused people, she went on to qualify 3/4 times.

im far form sitting in my dc pockets. My eldest has lived 300 miles from me for 12 years, the youngest is 150 miles from me. It’s normal to me, as like them when I graduated I had to go where jobs were. I lived 350 miles form home and gradually over 30 years reduced thst to 75 miles. My siblings were same.

but even we’d see parents 4/5times per year. And frankly it was always a blimmin sight easier them coming to see me, especially after kids came along. Weekends when you’re a parent arecprecious, and taking time off work to travel isn’t an option. Far, far easier parents came to me.

im jumping around excited as my eldest (350miles) is just about to move into new rental with two bedrooms, so for first time in 12 years I can stay at his home and not pay for hotel. He’s well chuffed becuase he knows I’ll now make more effort to come down to his midweek , rather than him come to me in his precious weekends. This is from son who rarely calls me, voice to voice, I do most of calls. He does send lots of whatapp…but I’d hardly say I’m constantly in his face .

twice a year to see your own kids, is a bit extreme..unless one party really doesn’t enjoy spending any time with hte other. It’s not very normal, even in long distance relationships of parents/adult children .

3-5 sounds perfectly reasonable

Of course they'd be welcome to visit, but they'll be short of cash and won't have a reason in the same way that I would (for the things to do in the area). If they visit I'd go less, my vague ideas were aimed at taking the pressure for them to visit off.