DC moving 100s of miles away, accomodation for me...

[Sunshinesmon]

He's moving to a beautiful part of the country, one that has lots of lovely memories of our family holidays. It's a long way away, which is sad for me, but I'm excited for him.

It's a place I love too and before DC, DH (now deceased) and I used to go there to do various outdoorsy stuff c. once a month, despite the distance.

DS will be living with GF and they have no space for me, but I would like to visit frequently if I can. I'm thinking I'll occupy myself during the day and hope to meet up for food in the evenings. They'll both be working shifts so I'll try to time things so I can see DS while she's working, rather than intrude on their time and treat them both to a meal when shifts allow. Does that sound OK, not too overbearing "MIL"? Or like I'm a avoiding her?

This is likely to be expensive for me. They'll be in their first (rented) home and saving for a house, I'm going to treat them if we eat out, plus travel and accomodation - booking a room as a solo traveller basically means paying double.

Any great ideas to make this more affordable?

You have a partner and another DC. They might not be as up for it as you.

@Sunshinesmon

I think you're all imagining a fussing elderly MIL who needs entertaining and accommodating.

Not at all. But what I’m hearing is somebody who is sad about ‘losing’ her DS as he moves so far away, and wants to see him as much as possible. On her terms, rather than his.

Nowhere have you said anything about what your DS has said or might want.

I'd basically make my plans and ask if they want to join the hike/kayaking trip/fell run/dinner. If they don't I am very comfortable doing those things on my own (often prefer it that way). I'd be disappointed if they couldn't fit in a coffee or beer, but that can't be unreasonable.

Come on - this is really quite passive aggressive. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you don’t mean to make them feel obliged, but this is exactly what you’re doing. You’re playing the martyr with them, and putting pressure on them to see you when you want to see them

I’m not a MIL basher at all. I had great PILs, and had a really good relationship with her in particular. But if she had done what you’re suggesting you will, it would really have affected our relationship.

But more than twice a year is not always possible or practical, as many parents and also adult children can testify. What if he had moved to Australia? It would be once every few years, so I think you'll be doing OK.

They don't need to be?

or I'd be disapponted if they couldn't fit in a coffee or beer, but that can't be unreasonable.

Which is it?

They're starting a new life together. Just let them and stop planning trips before they've even moved.

I disagree with literally everyone. I wouldn't mind this one dot, but I actually like my mother and MIL. I would be thrilled you want to see us.

I also answer my front door if I am not expecting someone, own a toilet brush and thing diptique candles stink, so I am not exactly mn most wanted.

Well, I'd have talked to him beforehand and know if he was willing and able to meet.

OP - I'm sure you mean well, but I'm beginning to understand why they've moved so far away .....

You are me and most people I've ever met IRL 🤣

Honestly if anyone I knew happened to be in my area I'd fit in a coffee or a beer.

I know lots of people here just dont like people very much, and I accept my plans, which are very much infancy, need discussion, but some of this is bonkers.

Op not sure why you are getting a hard time.

This is actually the sort of behaviour I like from a MIL!

raather than constantly 'visiting' the home - you are just organising your own life so you can see your child - I think its healthy and good/

The point is that when you say 'I'm doing xyz, let me know if you want to join' and they dont, they can only keep saying 'no' so many times. At some point whether that's what you want or not, they will be obliged to say yes.

Imagine a trip where you go this place and actually say in a 5 day period neither have of them have ANY time to see you. How would you feel about that?

It may well be, given that you are going to visit up to six times a year they simply cannot fit in a coffee or a beer. That's life. Then you are going to be disappointed, they will know that, then they can't say no to your repeated requests, and soon whether you like it or not, the trips are an imposition.

Because if you lived around the corner, which is your analogy you could definitely go a five day period being super busy and not seeing your parents. But you have now said you will be disappointed if each time you turn up (which will roughly be every 8 weeks), they dont make a plan with you.

Speaking strictly for myself, I moved to another country with my now husband of 20 years.
Needles to say, my mother never visits.
Yes, I had my reasons.
Just saying 😁

I know lots of people here just don't like people very much

Steady on @Sunshinesmon

Just because people are disagreeing with you/your suggestion does not lead to that conclusion.

So the extra three or four trips would only happen if they pre-agreed to meet up? Well that’s totally fine because you’re giving the right to say yes or no as they please. That’s more like “shall we meet the weekend of 15 May? Oh you’ve got your pub quiz and Jenny’s work do - no worries, another time maybe”. From your original post it sounded like you would select which three or four extra timings would work for you and be disappointed if they couldn’t meet you!

I often suggest to my mum that she just stays in our city for a weekend rather than comes 'to stay' with us, I'd find it much easier all round.

Talked to him beforehand? As in, asked him if you were ok to visit?

Are you a ‘pop in’ type of family @Sunshinesmon? The reason I ask is because I am very much not a ‘pop in’ person (aligned with many on here by the sounds of things) and actually ended a relationship in my younger years, in part because he and his family were ‘pop in’ people - they all lived close by, had keys to each other’s houses and would rock up any time, knowing they were always welcome. It was literally my nightmare, I felt I could never relax as someone might appear at any moment! I too private a person for it to have ever been something I could cope with, no matter how in love I thought I was.
If you, DS and GF are all ‘pop in’ people then your plan sounds fabulous but you need to be 1000% sure everyone is on the same page as it could get super awkward very quickly

So you would keep calling to ask him to find dates (every 8 weeks) when his social life could accommodate you. So actually ultimately it IS about him, not about the area, or your solitary wandering.
How would you feel if on a trip you didn't meet the GF even once because she was too busy? Would you blame her for being a bit stand-offish. What if that happened two trips in a row?

Yes, again, I'm sure I said I'd discuss dates with them first.

No, I really wouldn't. I'd behave in exactly the same way as you do when making any other social arrangements. It's a very loose plan, that I might find myself too busy to follow through anyway.

You asked ‘Any great ideas to make this more affordable?’

Yes, visit less frequently.

Aw I’m sorry you’re a bit of a hard time on here OP. I moved a similar distance away from my DM and it has always been incredibly important to me that she comes to visit and feels welcome. DH has always understood this and helped me to accommodate her wherever we have lived. My DM is also widowed which makes it even more important to me that she is able to stay with me and be part of my life, despite the distance.

It sounds like you’re close to your DS, is that correct? Do you get on with his girlfriend? If so I’d suggest a few dates to start with, ask if they work for them and maybe offer to help them out in the house / get them settled in etc.

Sorry you are having to defend your visits OP, instead of getting answers to your actual question.

I live 500-600 miles from our family (my parents, sisters and inlaws, all in different places at the opposite end of the country to us). I would love our family to make more of an effort to come visit us.

To make it more affordable in the long term, you could look at investing in a campervan? It sounds like you are outdoorsy anyway, so this would make each stay cheaper, if you are able to make the initial investment. It could also make the period for each visit easier, you could stay close to your DS for part of your trip only, and explore other areas between where you live and they move to.

You didn't mention where you usually stay when visiting the area, but if its hotels, you could look at a B&B, airB&B style accommodation or something similar but more basic. If you strike up a relationship with a local accommodation owner, and visit regularly, you might be able to get discounted rates for repeated stays? Self catering also allows cheaper breakfasts and lunches perhaps, saving eating out for dinners?

I'm sure you'll soon realise if you start to overstay your welcome or its too big a hassle for them to meet up regularly. 5-6 visits of 1-2 weeks a year would be a lot, but if most are more like long weekends, with maybe 1 or 2 at a week or more, and you aren't physically staying in their house, surely you are imposing a lot less than parents who live close to their children?