DC moving 100s of miles away, accomodation for me...

[Sunshinesmon]

He's moving to a beautiful part of the country, one that has lots of lovely memories of our family holidays. It's a long way away, which is sad for me, but I'm excited for him.

It's a place I love too and before DC, DH (now deceased) and I used to go there to do various outdoorsy stuff c. once a month, despite the distance.

DS will be living with GF and they have no space for me, but I would like to visit frequently if I can. I'm thinking I'll occupy myself during the day and hope to meet up for food in the evenings. They'll both be working shifts so I'll try to time things so I can see DS while she's working, rather than intrude on their time and treat them both to a meal when shifts allow. Does that sound OK, not too overbearing "MIL"? Or like I'm a avoiding her?

This is likely to be expensive for me. They'll be in their first (rented) home and saving for a house, I'm going to treat them if we eat out, plus travel and accomodation - booking a room as a solo traveller basically means paying double.

Any great ideas to make this more affordable?

Umm, because I'd like to see my son more than twice a year?

Well then just stick to your usual twice a year. Don’t make it awkward or uncomfortable for them!

Oh dear …

I completely get that you’re excited for your son. And I understand about the place holding lovely memories for you too, but honestly, honestly they will be wrapped up in each other and will not want frequent visits.

The plan to hang around waiting until the GF is at work, to see your son, is also deeply flawed. Even with good intentions it will give the strong impression that you don’t like her.

Forget about frequent trips - please.

Wait for an invitation.

Does HE want to see you more than twice a year? Wait for an invitation (don’t guilt him into extending one), don’t impose yourself on their new and exciting chapter in their life

I'm not going to "decide" anything without discussion.

I have loads I want to do while I'm there for my two trips, it really isn't 4 weeks with them, I wouldn't want that any more than they would.

I understand all that. I’m suggesting that you and DP find your own place to make yours together. Not fitting DP into your family history with children and DH.

PP have explained why

You literally said Do I need an invitation to go to one of my favourite places and occupy myself doing my favourite things? so it really sounds like it's a done deal and their input isn't required.

It isn't "your place" OP. It's a holiday destination. Where your son is moving to. I would personally stick to my two holidays a year and then wait to be invited at other times.

Planning to go for 6 breaks throughout the year when you haven't been invited (and they haven't even moved yet!!) is veering into overbearing MIL territory....

Yes, he's excited for me to visit too. I'm aware she may be less so, which is why im trying to think of ways to "pop in" (by arrangement) as I might if they lived round the corner.

I know with my own parents, who live nearby, it's much preferable for me to go round for a cup of tea once a week, than it is for my sister who lives further away, and has to visit (or they go to her) for a few days at a time.

I only said that because PP said I should find somewhere else to make my own.

The I'd like to see my son more than twice a year is sounding a bit OTT - and what about your son? Perhaps that's enough for him now he has his own life? I have a child who lives on the other side of the world. I see them every 2 or 3 years! However thanks to modern technology I am able to chat more often and that's fine.

But they were right. Surely you can find other (new) places with your DP that you enjoy visiting? Going to the same location for every single holiday of the year is a bit much....

Of course you can visit the place, you just can't expect them to be available for dinner, etc every time. And not without prior discussion.

I think you need to develop your own life - find your own friends and hobbies to fill the gaps in your life

I don't think I ever said that was my expectation?

I'd talk to them about the timing, around their shifts, is what I said and treat them to dinner when convenient.

The crux of the issue for me is where you are planning to stay. Being in the area, getting on with your own plans is one thing. They can see you as and when they can (if they're working shifts, it won't be as much as you think).

The red flag is you bunking up with then in a flat that may be too small for most of the year.

It might only seem like a few days here and there to you, but I can bet it won't be to them and you will be in great danger of outstaying your welcome.

If you're in the area twice a year for a good amount of time anyway, I'd leave it at that for now unless they suggest otherwise. They'll be busy making a new home together and have others wanting to visit and may return home occasionally as they'll want to catch up with friends.

This comes from someone who will be in much the same position soon.

You would be putting them under pressure - “oh don’t worry I’ll fit in with your shifts” sounds like “I expect you to fit me in when your shifts allow”

Oh dear. I am your DS in my family (actually another sibling is too), and the distance is thousands of miles, not hundreds. I’m probably closer to your age than your DS’s by the sound of things. My parents have NEVER arrived where I live. From the beginning they have understood that I moved because I had to (and wanted to, to a degree) and that it’s my life. They helped me move, wished me the best and everyone got on with their lives. Now, years down the line, my DC and I go home to the UK once sometimes twice a year (rarely twice as it takes a long time), I FaceTime with my parents once a week… everyone is happy. It’s been like this from the start (except when each of my DC was born, my mum came to stay for a couple of weeks each time).

Your son is a grown man, forging his own life with his partner. His life is moving on from his childhood life. You’re still a part of it, but you’re not the most important person to him anymore. This is all developmentally completely normal. Let him go. The very fact you’re asking means you know you’re losing the closeness that you think proximity brings you. The closer you cling on, the further away from you he will go.

Not to mention his girlfriend in all this. Whatever expectations you place, she would be entitled to place the same expectations re her parents on your DS. You want to go six times a year including twice for two weeks each. That means potentially a parental visit for the couple once a month, and a full 8 weeks a year with parents or in laws. I’m feeling claustrophobic just thinking about it!

Nobody has a monopoly on any location they don’t own, and that includes you. You’re awfully proprietorial about this, as though you have priority rights to it because you found it first (!!). Nobody is stopping you going. So your usual two weeks twice a year. It’s the extra trips which are clearly to stay in your son’s life despite all the “no pressure” protestations. You’ll just end up reaping what you’re sowing.

You asked if you could be perceived as an overbearing 'MIL'. You got your answer but you don't want to accept it.

Is this the first time your DS has left home/moved away @Sunshinesmon?

I know you’re trying not to be overbearing, and you’re trying to be considerate about your DS’s girlfriend - but it does come across as being a bit too much about you.

I loved my PILs, genuinely, but I would have been seriously irritated if they kept showing up at random times, without an invitation from me/my partner. You have no idea what their life together is going to be, or how pressured it might be - so you must accept that you have to fit around them, but also with prior agreement. (Plus accept the fact that sometimes that agreement might be out of courtesy!)

You need to step back a bit and let DS strike out on his own for a while.

Wow, you've come to that conclusion without knowing anything about me? In the last 3 months I've been on 4 overseas trips, with with friends and alone. I'm going away with friends this weekend and don't have a free Friday or Saturday eve in December. I have a busy training schedule for a sport I compete in at a decent competitive level (for my age), two hobby groups relating to the things I do in this place, and although starting to wind down hours, a fulfilling professional job.

I have a very full life, and make time for the people who are important to me.

I think it will be fine if you word it like "By the way son, I'll be up in Oban in 2 weeks' time so if you and DiL fancy dinner at the Black Horse or lunch at a coffee shop near my hotel let me know. I have nothing specific planned for each day yet so you can pick the days".

My DC has lived in many locations far from home. We have a zoom call every Sunday for an hour to catch up, but otherwise its visits on high days and holidays. With a weekly chat I feel very much a part of their life.

I thought I'd made it clear I'd be arranging my own accomodation. That was the point of the OP.