DC moving 100s of miles away, accomodation for me...

[Sunshinesmon]

He's moving to a beautiful part of the country, one that has lots of lovely memories of our family holidays. It's a long way away, which is sad for me, but I'm excited for him.

It's a place I love too and before DC, DH (now deceased) and I used to go there to do various outdoorsy stuff c. once a month, despite the distance.

DS will be living with GF and they have no space for me, but I would like to visit frequently if I can. I'm thinking I'll occupy myself during the day and hope to meet up for food in the evenings. They'll both be working shifts so I'll try to time things so I can see DS while she's working, rather than intrude on their time and treat them both to a meal when shifts allow. Does that sound OK, not too overbearing "MIL"? Or like I'm a avoiding her?

This is likely to be expensive for me. They'll be in their first (rented) home and saving for a house, I'm going to treat them if we eat out, plus travel and accomodation - booking a room as a solo traveller basically means paying double.

Any great ideas to make this more affordable?

DS wouldn't need to worry about about me. I'm not some nervous frail widow. I've travelled all over the world alone since DH died.

Book a self catering property if you want to save money, the accommodation might be more expensive but it means you save on eating out and you can always host them.
I think you need to rethink the mentality that this is "my place". No one owns a place. If you'd be going to visit the area anyway then keep doing whatever you've been doing but don't suddenly start visiting several times a year because you expect to see them too. If it's a touristy area then expect them to be getting lots of other visitors too, it can be like running a B&B when you first move to somewhere that everyone wants to visit!

Im sure they'll want to see you It sounds fine.

It isn't unreasonable to want to see them, no.

But it IS unreasonable to start planning your holidays around where your child has moved to when a) they haven't even moved yet and b) they haven't invited you!!!

The OP has said she usually goes to this specific location for 2 fortnight holidays a year but then said she thinks she's going to book a further 3-4 trips to the same place in between?! So potentially 6 holidays purely to where her son has moved to start a new life with his GF....

… and c) there’s another person to consider in all of this - the girlfriend

Ask them which they would prefer, to save misunderstandings.

No I wouldn't object to my husband seeing his mother 6 times a year.
What I would object to is his mother setting dates/putting plans in place to visit on a schedule.
They are moving a long, long way away so visits will naturally be different to how they would be if they lived down the road.
You come across as trying to be 'cool' about it but you sound almost desperate to monopolise this 'place' and their time in it. If they have you down for a visit for a few days every few months, while they are working shifts I can imagine that would mean missing a lot of events (birthdays, engagement parties, weddings etc) because you have already blocked that weekend with a visit.
It needs to be more natural and less 'planned with military precision' or you will soon find encroaching on their time together builds resentment and they stop looking forward to seeing you 🤷‍♂️

I think it sounds fine, except that rather than decide how often you'll go you'll need to play it by ear. Without knowing your son and gf, my son who lives away from me is constantly busy and makes loads of plans with gf and with friends, so the chance of him being free when I decide to visit at short notice is remote.

Two trips of a fortnight each, plus 3 to 4 (it'll be 4) shorter (a week each) is 2 months. If, as a PP pointed out, her parents fancy doing the same that's potentially one-third of their year taken up with parental visits. Not including them visiting where you/her parents live - which they may well want to do if they still have friends in the area.

Last year we moved to the other side of the country. We have family (including MIL) come to stay with us regularly. It was important to us to properly maintain relationships with the family we were moving away from.

My MIL probably stays around 7-8 times a year and we are happy with this. It all completely depends on the relationship you have with them, but don't be put off by all the people here saying they wouldn't like it. Only you know how family orientated your son and GF are. If it's a big move for them, they may appreciate a familiar face.

I think you should stick to your usual 2 trips a year as that’s what they will assume you are carrying on with and then maybe wait for other invitations from them?

It will be dependent on your relationship with the girlfriend but hopefully they will invite you and just take it from there.

You were on a hiding to nothing posting this OP. You're an older woman so shouldn't be seen and shouldn't be heard once a younger woman is in the picture.

Assume that everything you do and say will be wrong and NEVER initiate anything as that makes you "overbearing"

Good luck!

Interesting! As a DIL my suggestions would be:

• Become friends with the GF (it’s possible)!
• Have other people you would hang out with while there so they don’t feel obliged to see you!
• Could you stay with your own parents while you are there?
• If you love the place and finances allow could you buy a property there?

I don’t know why you are getting such a hard time on here. You know what your relationship with your son is like (and his girlfriend), and how often he would like to see you. It’s always fine on Mumsnet to have frequent visits with daughters, but mothers wanting to spend time with their sons are seen as overbearing and not wanting to let go. Really sad.

I hope that you find a way to make visiting affordable and acceptably frequent for all, and take no notice of all the people on here criticising you when they are probably LC or NC with their own families.

I think youre all imagining a fussing elderly MIL who needs entertaining and accommodating.

I'm really not that. I'd basically make my plans and ask if they want to join the hike/kayaking trip/fell run/dinner. If they don't I am very comfortable doing those things on my own (often prefer it that way). I'd be disapponted if they couldn't fit in a coffee or beer, but that can't be unreasonable.

Do you know what? Don’t overthink it. Don’t ask Mumsnet about it any more. Just book some accommodation and go. You would be going anyway even if he had moved elsewhere.

Give it a try. Figure it out. Discuss it afterwards. You and your son are fond of one another and I hope you and the gf are, too. Life has moved from where it was to another place. You need to find a new rhythm and you will. But if you don’t do it once, you will never get that rhythm. So, just go.

Flipping heck, I see my son about 6 times a year. He comes to me Christmas and Easter and I visit him in half terms and once over the summer. (I work in a school.) I used to visit my own parents every month or so when I was his age. It seems perfectly reasonable to me! I even stay with him as I'm on a tight budget.

You’re running ahead of yourself here OP. I expect the excitement of them moving to your special place has blurred your vision a bit.

You need to let this grow holistically. We are in a similar situation and by the time we add in meet ups for Xmas, birthdays ( theirs and mine) , Mother’s Day, that’s another four meet up a year added to your two holidays. Not all of those meet ups will be at theirs - won’t they want to come home at Xmas or for your birthday for example? Won’t DS have friends he’d like to catch up with in your area.

You also say you have another DC, a DP, hobbies etc - surely they will be taking up time that won’t allow for hundreds of miles of travelling over regular weekends?

Let him move, look at your diaries for significant events and then do ad hoc planning. The opportunities will arise.

Personally I’d look for a cute AirBnb in the area that you can book for a couple of nights now and again. That’s what we do - we need our own bed and bath and sleeping on a sofa bed isn’t for us. Shouldn’t be more than £100 pn and worth every penny.

I think you need to give him the space to become his own person, develop his own life in his own community. Most of your posts are about what you want, about your needs. You need to step back a bit, you might not think you are putting pressure on your DS, but I think many of us reading your responses feel that you are.

Don’t forget that if he wants to see you he could travel to where you live, or you can meet up halfway, or in a completely different area/ country.

You need to pre-arrange to meet up with them. You can’t go there on a lone holiday and expect them to be available to see you. Your post makes you sound very overbearing. You need to always pre arrange i.e. let DC know you are thinking of coming up on X weekend, will they be available at points over the weekend to meet up with you. If yes, that’s great, but you cannot expect them to alter their plans to suit your trip.

Even if you stay elsewhere, OP, you can't just invite yourself down! Your son and his partner will be working hard and building a new life - they don't need another person hanging around. I would say once, maybe twice, a year is about right for visiting...... but please, please wait until they ask you.

I'm sure that's what I've sais I'll do from the first post.

I’m very intrigued where this place is! Sounds lovely if you go so often and have lots to do? I’d genuinely like to know (pm me if you like).

I live abroad so see my mum every 2 years or so and I’d be thrilled to have her visit us more frequently, but that being said I am perhaps older than your son and have young children. When I was younger and living away with boyfriends I don’t think my mum came ever actually unless directly invited and so I think for now stick to the twice a year and let them know the dates you will be around and that you’d love to see them both as it suits and otherwise just pause and take a breath and see if your son visits home as he most likely will!

How would you feel if you went on one of the three or four shorter trips and you didn’t see your son at all because they were busy or tired or were away or had other plans?

Nope not at all.

The point that most posters are making is, rather than say "I'm going to be visiting for 2 fortnights per year plus 3-4 visits in between", just wait until they're settled and invite you over. And this applies to anyone! Not just parents and in-laws!

You're putting all this thought into when you're going and where to stay etc but they haven't even moved yet and might want 6 months or so to get themselves settled, get to know the area, start new jobs etc...

To just turn up and stay locally but then go "oh there's no pressure to see me" IS a burden when you have your own lives. No matter who it is.