DC moving 100s of miles away, accomodation for me...

[Sunshinesmon]

He's moving to a beautiful part of the country, one that has lots of lovely memories of our family holidays. It's a long way away, which is sad for me, but I'm excited for him.

It's a place I love too and before DC, DH (now deceased) and I used to go there to do various outdoorsy stuff c. once a month, despite the distance.

DS will be living with GF and they have no space for me, but I would like to visit frequently if I can. I'm thinking I'll occupy myself during the day and hope to meet up for food in the evenings. They'll both be working shifts so I'll try to time things so I can see DS while she's working, rather than intrude on their time and treat them both to a meal when shifts allow. Does that sound OK, not too overbearing "MIL"? Or like I'm a avoiding her?

This is likely to be expensive for me. They'll be in their first (rented) home and saving for a house, I'm going to treat them if we eat out, plus travel and accomodation - booking a room as a solo traveller basically means paying double.

Any great ideas to make this more affordable?

That's too often, and about what's best for you not for him and his gf

I'd love it if my in-laws visited every other month (especially if they sourced accommodation elsewhere so I didn't have to host them fully).

Unfortunatley they make very little effort 🤷‍♀️

I think your plans sound lovely. Doing your own thing around meeting up makes it super low stress. I'm sure most people would make time to see their parents for a coffee or meal six times a year (IRL if not on mumsnet).

My dad died and my mum used to come and stay at my house in london with me and my husband. I loved it because i got to see her regularly. . She sometimes helped us with household things and she got on well with my husband. But it only happened about one long weekend in 4. She used to take herself off to the West End shopping, and Brighton for days out. It worked all round but i wouldnt have liked it more frequently than that as i didnt think it would be fair to my husband. So I'd be careful not to overdo it. You dont want to upset them and risk never going again. O think once a month or ince every 5 weeks ia enough.

I don’t know op it sounds fine to me! My dd moved about 1.5 hours away so it would be easy to see her except for co-ordinating diaries. We tend to see each other sporadically, maybe a couple of times one month and then not for a while. She comes home too, sometimes with the intention to see me but often it’s for friends birthdays or events (and she reverts to teenager and I am back on giving lifts).
Maybe the best way to discuss is to say “I’ve already booked 2 weeks in June as usual so keep a day free for me then, I’d love to see you before then so maybe we can arrange something, I thought I might try the new B&B on the corner”.
As far as how to keep costs down, presumably midweek and out of season will be cheaper. If you stay somewhere regularly maybe they could suggest when their quiet periods are. A single room in a B&B might be cheaper than taking up a double room or a studio Airbnb.

I was once in a similar position to your son - moved to a beautiful, hilly part of the country from the south. My parents visited 4-5 times a year. Dhs parents are approximately 1hr away and make the effort once a year on average.

We now have DS, my parents stay with us every 6 weeks for a weekend minimum and do their own thing whilst we’re at work. MIL and FIL still only visit once a year 🤷🏻‍♀️

We love seeing my DPs, but they are very self sufficient and after nearly 10 years they are very used to the area (and know every cafe with scones!)

We didn’t move here to avoid my parents, but because we hike/bike/kayak/climb etc.

Maybe just talk to your DS about what you both want?

I think the point of the post was about cost not how many visits is too many. Unfortunately going away in the uk is very pricey nowadays and pretty tourist spots are worst for this. Maybe you could find a cheap place out of the area and drive over for visits.

No, but you said you'd "hope to meet up for food in the evenings" which isn't the same as just going to visit somewhere you like.

You're busy making all these plans in your head rather than speaking to your son who you're presumably still living with.

If it's too expensive don't offer to pay for all their meals. That could easily cost you hundreds of pounds and there's no need to do that, especially if they're not hosting you.

Agree with PP don’t pay for all the meals. Not necessary and may make them feel beholden to you or just a bit uncomfortable.

This is all coming across as incredibly mimsy.

In your place OP, I would be looking hard to find a reasonable rental that you can develop a relationship with the owner for a regular visit.
There you will be able to invite them to hang out and eat together.
This will take the pressure off them to be organised and house ready.
They might really enjoy it and it can be on your terms but still not intruding.

I really think it depends on the relationship, not overbearing if they're on board. I would be more than happy for my MIL to have travelled to see us regularly, I used to spend more time with her than my DH did.

The one thing I would worry about is them travelling so far alone, so I would probably get them to share their live location on the journey.

I think you won’t know unless you ask them. Ie can I stay/how often. Personally if I was working I’d rather no one stays until days off or weekends so we can relax and have time together. They may not be expecting you to stay as you visit the area anyway. Pet nearby is a really good idea as it’s free!

OP your first post sounded a bit as though it was an excuse to push into their lives. That you were going to be up there 20 times a year, turning up on their doorstep after work, peering in the window and shouting "Cooey! Only me! I thought I'd drop in while I'm passing!" and expecting them to drop everything to entertain you. Okay, that's an extreme. But I'm sure you get the flavour. I think a lot of posts are reacting to this sort of scenario and that explains why you're getting some pretty negative posts.

But your subsequent posts it sounds more like this is a place you go a lot and love. Now your DS is there too it's given you a boost to spend more time there, enjoying the location as you regularly have for years, and incorporating a little bit of time with your son and his partner every 3 months or so. And I think that's quite different and something that could work very nicely for every one.

Where do you normally stay when you go? Is your accommodation part of why you like the area? Can you stay a bit out fo the main area and drive in each day and still enjoy it? Do you have longer term plans there (e.g. have you been considering retiring there)? Is there plenty you'd love all year round?

Doing more of your visits in the off season can keep prices down. Or sometime just staying a bit out of the main touristy area. Edges of a less trendy city or the like.

I think someone's already suggest a campervan. Would that work for you? They're expensive up front, a quite particular way of staying, would use more petrol to get there, but very convenient and versatile. I believe you can also rent them out when you aren't using them.

If you are thinking about retiring there and have money you can invest, a place you could rent out as a holiday home and later retire to might be a good long term plan, though really needs some thinking about.

My parents got annoyed with the grandparents for not coming round often, and for waiting to be asked instead of just showing initiative. My sympathy is with my grandparents, because they were still working and it was my parents' choice to move away from both sets!
So the fact is you can annoy people whatever you do. As for the meals, my parents thought they should pay, but that's up to individuals, no one can assume who has more money just because of their age.
People like different things. My friend's mum went round to her house most days, and she and her husband were fine until she started doing things like moving the furniture round, and even they had enough then.
Hate the MIL stereotype though. A man is praised for wanting a good relationship with his daughter, and if he talks with the boyfriend/keeps watching that he's good to her, and wants to be involved in the couple's life, most respect that. So why the 70s Les Dawson type MIL tropes?
I wouldn't have married a man if I didn't think that he and I could have good relationships with both our families.

I would have been delighted to have regular visits from my MIL in the early years of our marriage. In fact PILs never came to the touristy city where we first met and lived in for four years whereas we went to see them every couple of months. I think what you are proposing sounds great. But I think families have different views of what is acceptable. My brother has visited us 4 times this year, BIL once (and that was a day trip and his first visit for years), they live in the same city.

Why did your son (and his girlfriend) move 500 miles away @Sunshinesmon ?

I have said a few times now, because they love the area and the outdoorsy lifestyle it offers.

Carry on doing what you normally do, and a few shorter trips in between. Give them the option of seeing you and try to fit in with them a bit without being too in their face. If you have a good relationship with them both, keep communicating with them and find the best way to make it all happen

Find a nice air bnb

This is such an odd thread. You have been to a place so many times you call ‘your’ place and you’re asking for advice to make it affordable? You sound like an intelligent, very well travelled, independent and adventurous woman - why do you need out input, none of us here know the area. It’s YOUR place you have been time surely you know how hotels, airbnbs etc work there?

Can you rent a holiday flat, then you would not be imposing on them and you will be free to do what you want.

So there was nowhere else closer than 500 miles away that offered an outdoorsy lifestyle?

@Sunshinesmon
I haven’t read the whole thread, but personally I don’t see any problem in your ideas.
I live in another country and am happy for family to visit whenever they want. I enjoy seeing them.

I know that in some parts of society in the UK, and consequently also on mumsnet, there is this a kind of superiority in people living so full and active lives, where family is seen as a sort of optional activity, rather than being one of the most important parts of life.
It’s almost a boast that their children are so very busy that they couldn’t possibly have time, or shouldn’t really want to spend time together, and if anyone mentions prioritising family, then they are accused of being overbearing, or not having a life.

You know your own son and how he might feel about your suggestion. Hopefully your daughter in law, even if she doesn’t wish to be present every meet up, she would be happy for her husband to see his family whenever he wanted.

You seem to be defensively replying to many posts, rather than taking a step back and reflecting on what many are telling you. Firstly, this location is not "your place", nor do you own rights to it as you "introduced them" to the place. Its overbearing and cringey and they expectation they'll just have to meet you for a drink, will leave them possibly feeling guilty theyre not spending more time with you when you've driven 500 miles. And frequently. Please, take a step back, calm yourself down and try to consider other perspectives.