Baby shower. I’m Not being unreasonable but my sister is. How do I tell her to get tae fuck?

[leafhandle]

My usual response would be to tell her to stop being a massive baw bag but she’s being absolutely ridiculous and I don’t want to piss her off more.

this is her 3rd baby.

had surgery 3 weeks ago, cancer surgery and I’ve had 5 operations since the original operation because it’s all gone a bit tits up. I’m home now and beyond exhausted. I had my kidney removed and a nephrostomy bag fitted to the other one because of sarcoma. So I’m feeling very vulnerable and absolutely knackered.

My sister who is usually normal has thrown her toys well and truly out of the pram about her baby shower. Her stipulations are as follows;

1. if I go to the baby shower that I cannot talk to family about my operation, mention cancer or mention feeling shitty
2. if I don’t go, I must tell everyone it is because I have norovirus and it’s nothing to do with cancer.
3. If I do go, I must wear my ‘normal wig’ not the colourful one.
4. it’s me who’s organising the whole fucking thing so I need to include x y z like afternoon tea and as her family we should be paying for her and her friends to attend.

I would never make her baby shower about
me but I really don’t know if I have the energy to go to her baby shower, let alone have her dictating what wig I wear. I will have lost my hair by that point (4 weeks) and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to wear a wig because I found them so itchy last time. Also I don’t know if she realises that if chemo doesn’t work for the other tumour I have this will probably be my last Christmas as this is my third go at cancer.

i want to tell her to fuck off and not bother with her ever again but she didn’t have a baby shower with baby 1
or 2 because it was 2020 & 2021 so Covid so she sees this as her last chance of a baby shower because this is her last baby. So I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but fuck me she is so difficult at the moment.

After initially thinking wtf! reading your post @leafhandle I was thinking that maybe, as you say your sister is usually sane, this might be what has led to her frankly awful comments.

I really hope your chemo helps and you get through this 💐

This, in a nutshell.
Thats absolutely horrendous. Take care of yourself OP. Have you come across Maggie’s Cancer care ? Wonderful people , so supportive.

Probabaly already been said, but in the circs I think "get tae fuck" is a fair comment.

You can and absolutely should tell her to fuck off. Preferably on a billboard.

I’m sorry your sister can’t or won’t see what you are going through at the moment 💐

I think you need to reconsider your opinion of your sister, I refuse to believe a “usually nice” person could even think this way, let alone speak to you the way she has.
Oh boo hoo for her not getting the chance to have a baby shower - is she always this grabby and self involved?
You absolutely need to rest and put yourself first.
She is jealous of you potentially getting more attention for your cancer journey than she would be getting for having a 3rd baby. She’s a disgusting selfish person for thinking that way.
Sending you huge hugs and wishes for a speedy recovery and positive outcome 🩷
Please don’t listen to your sister, you matter more here!

haven't RTFT but aside from baby showers being hideous, grabby affairs (and even more ridiculous for a third baby), you must not reward her utter selfishness by engaging with this any further. How fucking dare she. You’re a warrior and worth a million of her. Let her organise her own “me me me” party.

So appalling are her demands and attitude towards you that it hints at her not coping at all with your original prognosis, treatment and recovery, especially if this is a sudden change in her normal sisterly interactions. She wants to pretend that you are well so that she can have the baby shower she thinks she deserves.

It would be very wrong of you to go along with any of her demands on you OP. You mustn’t be complicit in her denial of what you are going through and her ensuing crazy, unbelievably selfish behaviour.

If I were you, I would try to persuade another family member to take over organisation of her baby shower. Then send a message to her to tell her that, and to quietly bow out of attending as you accept neither her terms of attendance nor her terms of non attendance.

You sound much the stronger sister OP. I feel she will crumble at some point, though not before she’s had her very entitled baby shower.
Please go through your recovery on your own terms reaching for whatever or to whoever it is that you will help you most.
Her demands are utter nonsense to be completely disregarded.

Don't organise it, don't pay for it, don't attend it, don't lie about why, and don't take any more crap from her.

If you asked me to, I'd call her for you and tell her. Because she needs telling.

Time to deploy the big grey rock.

Don't go, make an excuse, whatever it is. She sounds like a primadonna.

If you were my sister I would cancel the baby shower and do all I can to support you. I cannot get over the fact that she is even contemplating having a baby shower (ludicrous concept at the best of times) for her third baby let alone while you are going through so much. Please may I tell her to fuck off on your behalf

I've never had a baby shower. Neither has anyone else I know.

You are very ill and need to rest. Let her off and let someone else deal with her.

Fingers crossed for you. I hope you're going to be ok.

I'd reply...

'Do you know how pathetic it is that you're worried your sister's cancer might over shadow your baby shower? Don't bother re-writing history with the family, I've screen shotted your demands'

... then send the screenshots to parents/siblings and block her. If you don't let people know, she will absolutely work in the shadows to flip the script.

She's a CF and a BITCH to boot!

How dare she when you've been through so much recently?!

Fuck her and her bloody shower.

Book a spa for the day of the 'event' and spoil yourself.

Hope you heal well, OP.x.

I'd be even more annoyed at YOU than I am at her mind-boggling selfishness, if you allow her to treat you so appallingly and still go to her shower.
Absolutely not. She sounds exactly like my own sister, who is currently not speaking to me because I just won't put up with her toxicity anymore after a lifetime of it. It's actually a huge relief! Look after yourself. Your health and sanity are the main priority.

I am so sorry you are going through this brutal experience. Bow out of the shower gracefully, but know this, you're the better person right now.

Bloody hell! I am utterly gobsmacked at the entitled, selfish attitude of your sister. She sounds like a petulant teenager.

First and foremost, I have everything crossed for you, and I really hope your cancer treatment works.

As for your selfish sister, I would not have anything to do with her precious baby shower. I would also message every family member who will be invited / attending, and tell them exactly the reason why you won' be going / hosting. Also, as I suspect your DS would deny saying any of this, I would add a screenshot of your sister's awful message with her list of demands.

Honestly, I am truly disgusted at the selfishness of some people! 😡

If she has already had two previous babies, surely she has baby things anyway!

Are you absolutely sure she is usually nice? Because I can't imagine a nice person even thinking this way let alone behaving as your sister is doing. She is being a Grade A Bitch.

Tell her you don't have the energy for any of it at the moment and you're bowing out now. You need all of your energy and headspace for looking after yourself right now.

I have cancer. Currently waiting on surgery #4 of 5.

Before you got to the crazy demands, I would have possibly attended, but not organised. When I was in the state you were in, I was barely doing the school run or managing to cook my children dinner. I did a lot of sleeping.

I would have rallied to attend if she really wanted me there. I would not have been organising anything, because it was essential duties only. My kids and keeping myself alive.

But she’s obviously fucking unhinged. I don’t know if I could deal with the aggro of telling her to completely fuck off, but I’d be bowing out of attending or organising anything straight away. I’d get someone else to inform her of what an absolute asshat she is and let them take the heat for it. If I was your friend or family member I’d be totally up for it, so you must know someone who would get right in there.

I find it very surprising indeed you describe her as "normal" normally, as this behaviour now is breathtakingly selfish. I would be really hurt and reconsider not just the baby shower but the whole relationship Sounds like she's ashamed of you having cancer!

You have to organise AND pay for her baby shower? Which, btw she doesn't actually need.

I'd be kicking it and her demands into touch for that attitude.

lefthandle i won't even bother mentioning your bawbag sister but i will just say if you are in South Ayrshire and need a new face to meet and have a cuppa with then send me a message.

Don't go OP. Your sister is being an utter bellend.

Wishing you all the best.

I’m astonished she is letting you organise it with your current health??! If you were my sister I’d be making you cocoa and tucking you into bed and worrying about YOU, not a bloody baby shower!! I am really sorry, OP. She is behaving appallingly and I suspect will feel thoroughly ashamed of herself when she snaps out of this mania.

Tell her you’re too poorly to organise it and she needs to get someone to do it for her if she wants the shower to go ahead

I am absolutely horrified reading this. What an awful person she is.

I would honestly cancel the whole thing. She's not worth any of your energy.