Baby shower. I’m Not being unreasonable but my sister is. How do I tell her to get tae fuck?

[leafhandle]

My usual response would be to tell her to stop being a massive baw bag but she’s being absolutely ridiculous and I don’t want to piss her off more.

this is her 3rd baby.

had surgery 3 weeks ago, cancer surgery and I’ve had 5 operations since the original operation because it’s all gone a bit tits up. I’m home now and beyond exhausted. I had my kidney removed and a nephrostomy bag fitted to the other one because of sarcoma. So I’m feeling very vulnerable and absolutely knackered.

My sister who is usually normal has thrown her toys well and truly out of the pram about her baby shower. Her stipulations are as follows;

1. if I go to the baby shower that I cannot talk to family about my operation, mention cancer or mention feeling shitty
2. if I don’t go, I must tell everyone it is because I have norovirus and it’s nothing to do with cancer.
3. If I do go, I must wear my ‘normal wig’ not the colourful one.
4. it’s me who’s organising the whole fucking thing so I need to include x y z like afternoon tea and as her family we should be paying for her and her friends to attend.

I would never make her baby shower about
me but I really don’t know if I have the energy to go to her baby shower, let alone have her dictating what wig I wear. I will have lost my hair by that point (4 weeks) and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to wear a wig because I found them so itchy last time. Also I don’t know if she realises that if chemo doesn’t work for the other tumour I have this will probably be my last Christmas as this is my third go at cancer.

i want to tell her to fuck off and not bother with her ever again but she didn’t have a baby shower with baby 1
or 2 because it was 2020 & 2021 so Covid so she sees this as her last chance of a baby shower because this is her last baby. So I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but fuck me she is so difficult at the moment.

Baby showers should only be for the first baby. So grabby to have one for her third baby and she’s a horrible sister. Please don’t go to your sister’s party and also be honest when anyone asks.

Jesus op, sorry about everything.

Your health is much more important than a baby shower. I can't believe she's said this to you, it's heartless and somewhat disgusting behaviour. Hope you're ok OP and I hope things go smoothly for you. She can't go round telling you what to do at all. Uncalled for.

I never had baby showers, I don't see the point in them but to tell someone how to behave during one is beyond me. Definitely don't go OP. Sending love.

@leafhandle I'm sorry your sister is being such an absolute arse right now!! How dare she be such a bloody princess about a baby shower when its you who are so damn ill?? You deserve a rest not running around after her!! Sending you the biggest of hugs 🤗🙏🕊️❤️

Tell your entitled sister, and the rest of your family, that you have Norovirus now and that it will last a month or so due to complications with your medication.
Apologise for pulling out of organising the baby shower and genuinely wish your sister well with that.

Buy her baby a gift and buy her a colourful wig for when she is having a bad hair day looking after the new little one.

Both your sister and the Cancer can fuck off.
She sounds incredibly selfish and self-centred.

Wishing you well, OP. I hope the chemo does the trick xx

Nah, literally tell her to get tae fuck and be done with it.

Anyone who uses the phrase ‘get tae fuck’ is alright with me!
I love it.

I don’t think I have ever been more shocked at a Mumsnet thread.

What an awful sister you have. That’s fucking terrible.

Don’t go to the babyshower. Don’t expend anymore energy on arranging it or having anything to do with it. Be honest with people about why. Don’t wear wigs that make you uncomfortable.

I’m so sorry you are going through all this. I hope you have better support around you excluding this selfish sister.

I have heard of Bridezillas, not babyshower Zillas and not when their closest relative is facing the battle of their life. I’m so sorry.

Pull out now and put your feet up.

No response to her could be too rude.

I’m sorry about your cancer and how your sister is behaving. What an arse.
A baby shower for a third baby?!? That is so wrong. First baby only.

@leafhandle Please take care of yourself. You don't need the stress, and the stress is not good for your immune system.

Tell your sister that you cannot do anymore shower planning or have anything to do with it. You need to concentrate on you, resting, eating well, staying hydrated and doing what the medical professionals tell you to do.

I know your sister is usually nice, according to you, but that does not excuse her behavior now. You should not be worried about a baby shower and any costs right now.

Hopefully, her behavior will settle down and she will return to human form after the baby is born, if not before.

I am sending you lots of Mumsnet {{HUGS}} and thoughts of power and strength to get you through this bout.

Her 3rd baby and she’s having a baby shower? She’s demented. Sorry to hear about your recent struggles. I’d definitely not be going if I were you. Someone else can organise it if she wants one. You’re free to tell anyone why you’re not there. Stuff her.

Let me guess, she demanded you organise a baby shower rather than you offering?

so sorry to hear what you’re going through and how callous she’s being.

Cancel the fxxking baby shower. It is incredibly low priority and she does not need / deserve one.
She has no right to tell you what to say or do.
Get some rest and look after yourself xxx

I’m so sorry. It’s possibly tied into her grief at losing you, and her anger is being misdirected. But that doesn’t excuse it.

you definitely need to hand over the organising to someone else. And then if you are able to make an appearance, great. Someone else - her DH or a close friend - needs to have a word in her ear.

I agree with the one or two posters previously who have considered the sisters motivation. It feels likely that in this very crude and unthinking way your sister is communicating to you how desperately sad and worried she is and how much she just wants things to be normal and that this is probably heightened by her pregnancy (ie, she isn't normally toxic, self-centred etc). I don't condone what she is saying and I don't agree with it but given you say she is typically normal and this is not expected then I think there's a strong likelihood this may be what sits behind it .
I think it is absolutely right to set our your very reasonable boundaries with your sister about this, that you can't organise the shower and you will either attend on your own terms or not at all. But if you love your sister and want a relationship with her at what is such an incrediblly difficult time for you I would also be reaching out and having a frank conversation about her worries and yours, alongside your disappointment in the way she is handling it and try to find a way forward. I think it is possible to be upset, frustrated and hurt by her behaviour but also hold some compassion for what may sit behind it.

So sorry for you, Leaf. Someone needs to step in here and take over the arrangements for this baby shower business - and it’s your sister’s responsibility to find that person, not yours. She owes you a massive apology for her dickhead behaviour; you owe her nothing. Good luck

1st post. Says it all

Yanbu.

As others have said its pretty outrageous and very selfish behaviour.

I wouldnt tell EVERYONE about the demand list. I'd keep your powder a bit dry but I would be tempted to tell your mother/ close family what she said re "the demands".
She should be ashamed.

I had children in covid so can and can confirm this isnt an excuse to act like a total arsehole.

Separately I am shocked she even asked you to plan it.

i'd wash my hands of it and tell her to plan her own money grabbing event.

I was trying to write something like this but this has been put so well. Grief, anticipatory or otherwise, hormones etc. It’s all bubbling up. Edited tho add if she’s normally a selfish cow all bets are off. But if you love her try and compromise and get some other poor sod to organise it.

Sadly it is not uncommon for close family not to react well when someone has cancer. It seems to either bring out the best - and the worst - in families. Just concentrate on what you need to do to get you through your treatment - and tell your sister you won't be well enough to organise or attend. You can't control her reactions but you can remove yourself from them. Best of luck with your treatment.

What the hell's wrong with her!? The levels of self involvement are mind blowing. For what it's worth, you sound amazing - good on you for having a whinge about her and realising you aren't the unreasonable one. I hope you wear that colourful wig every day ❤️

(I suppose if I was being balanced, I'd say something along the lines of 'shes probably terrified about how risky your situation is and just genuinely won't be able to hold it together if you don't look and sound jolly and has responded to it terribly' but there's no necessity for you to sympathise with/work out her big, complicated feelings when you're dealing with all of this)

I am rarely lost for words but I am fuming and flabbergasted at your post and the sheer selfishness of your sister
I am so pleased you are going to pull out, please look after yourself, I hope your treatment goes well for you

Fcking baby showers (and I’ll include fcking gender reveals in this too)

What a load of recent US tacky imports. Doubtless there will be a What’sApp group fleecing people for contributions for it at some point.

Sadly announce on there that ‘due to ill health I can’t attend, hope it goes well” and leave the chat pronto.

Sister being a massive bawbag @leafhandle sorry you are dealing with this as well as a cancer treatment, wishing you all the best x