Baby shower. I’m Not being unreasonable but my sister is. How do I tell her to get tae fuck?

[leafhandle]

My usual response would be to tell her to stop being a massive baw bag but she’s being absolutely ridiculous and I don’t want to piss her off more.

this is her 3rd baby.

had surgery 3 weeks ago, cancer surgery and I’ve had 5 operations since the original operation because it’s all gone a bit tits up. I’m home now and beyond exhausted. I had my kidney removed and a nephrostomy bag fitted to the other one because of sarcoma. So I’m feeling very vulnerable and absolutely knackered.

My sister who is usually normal has thrown her toys well and truly out of the pram about her baby shower. Her stipulations are as follows;

1. if I go to the baby shower that I cannot talk to family about my operation, mention cancer or mention feeling shitty
2. if I don’t go, I must tell everyone it is because I have norovirus and it’s nothing to do with cancer.
3. If I do go, I must wear my ‘normal wig’ not the colourful one.
4. it’s me who’s organising the whole fucking thing so I need to include x y z like afternoon tea and as her family we should be paying for her and her friends to attend.

I would never make her baby shower about
me but I really don’t know if I have the energy to go to her baby shower, let alone have her dictating what wig I wear. I will have lost my hair by that point (4 weeks) and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to wear a wig because I found them so itchy last time. Also I don’t know if she realises that if chemo doesn’t work for the other tumour I have this will probably be my last Christmas as this is my third go at cancer.

i want to tell her to fuck off and not bother with her ever again but she didn’t have a baby shower with baby 1
or 2 because it was 2020 & 2021 so Covid so she sees this as her last chance of a baby shower because this is her last baby. So I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but fuck me she is so difficult at the moment.

This
Sometimes the silence has more of an impact

She’s behaving very badly. I wonder if it’s partly because she’s struggling to accept the reality of your illness at the moment, and her hormones skewing things. I hope she’ll come to see how unreasonable she’s been here. Wishing you all the best and hope the rest of family and friends are supportive!

You're doing the right thing stepping away, be it hormones or badly expressed fear or being simply unreasonable - you don't need this added stress and her behaviour regardless of cause is unacceptable.

I'm inclined to agree with this, if it's out of character for her and you love each other, I think she's just lost the plot. My guess with be she can't cope with the thought of her sister facing the cancer again so is rejecting it entirely and blocking it out, but with the result that she's being ridiculous towards you.

Regardless of the reasons, her demands are obviously ridiculous and you absolutely need to set clear calm boundaries and look after yourself (and step away from any daft baby shower demands - what is it with these things that brings out the worst in people)

What a monster she sounds. It’s the right thing to do, to bow out now and leave her to her self obsessed stupidity. Just tell her you’re too ill to organise/attend and leave it at that.

And it’s actually disgusting to attend a party with norovirus. People would rightly be appalled if you had to say that lie to them. Your sister has lost the plot!

Shes really not thought this through has she. What does she think will happen if you turn up telling people that you have noro? Even if you did actually have noro the last place you should be is at a party.

Besides people arent stupid. Those that know you know about the cancer and will ask. Those that dont are going to put 2 and 2 together very quickly when you turn up wearing a wig, looking unwell and attached to a medical device (sorry, not quite sure what a nephrostomy is and what it involves)

Is she the spoilt baby of the family because I can’t figure out how she can be such a massive bell end otherwise?

I am so sad and shocked to read this.

You need to prioritise your own wellbeing at this horrible time for you.
You are right to not go and you need to hand over the planning to somebody else now.

Having recently had my own operation for cancer I was truly thankful for the kindness and support that I received. It's unimaginable how your sister is behaving towards you.

WOW - she wont be a contender for sister of the year award will she ?

I would reply with ' is a baby shower necessary for a third baby?'

Take care of YOU !
PS - I didnt have baby showers for either of mine !

I’d tell her to fuck right off!!!!
You're going through the hardest thing in your life and all she’s thinking about is her bloody tacky baby shower?! No. Just no. Tell them you’re not up to it right now and someone else will have to organise it all.
I really hope your treatment is successful

I have very little respect for people who have baby showers in the first place...

Do not get involved. Heal. Rest. Lay on the floor a listen to gong sounds.... your mind does not need this toxic shit when your body is trying to survive.

Breath... repeat...

Also, buy a new, more out there wig. Wear it.

While I understand your sentiment & her sister is moaning a lot I’m not sure calling her a whore is fair!!🤣

@leafhandle I’m so sorry for your level of trouble at present, you are not being at all unreasonable to back away & look after yourself hopefully your sister & family will be able to appreciate that you are currently being shat on from a great height by cancer & really don’t need anyone adding to it. Sending hugs

I cannot believe what I just read, you poor poor thing to have this crap on top of your cancer. Just now out, she’s behaving like a monster right now. Sending you massive hugs xxx

Baby showers are for grabby Huns and I really wish the concept hadn’t been adopted here. Your sister needs a massive kick up the arse and I’m willing to do it and will join the queue behind other Mumsnetters who feel incensed on your behalf @leafhandle

Put yourself first and do what you want. I wouldn’t be hiding from anyone else the reasons why you’re not organising it. Wishing you the best with your heath 💐

True. Had 4 boys and the only shower I ever got was when I changed their nappies to slowly. These things are getting out of hand, just like hen parties and gender reveal parties. This must be one of the worst I have read though.
Take care OP.

I’m so sorry OP - so sorry that you are going through this.

To be frank, I would tell her to feck off. Give me her number and I will do it for you.

I’m so sorry OP, I really hope you can message your family to explain (as is entirely your right!!!) that you won’t be feeling up to it and have far more important things to be dealing with!
I would also message your sister separately and tell her how absolutely unbelievable selfish she is being and that until she grows some compassion and realises that life does not revolve around her, you will be stepping away and cutting contact because you do not need to spend your time with someone who clearly only cares about themselves!!
You are a much bigger and better person and I sincerely hope the rest of your family realises quickly how horrendous your sister is for putting you through this at such a difficult time!

What an absolute cunt she is. I would tell her so and wouldn’t attend. Fuck her.

That sounds the right decision. Wishing you all the luck in the world with your treatment x

TELL HER TO GET TO FUCK AND IF YOU DON'T I WILL!!

Absolutely shocking behaviour, she really needs to wind her neck in.

I’m sorry, OP, It does sound like your sister has gone temporarily insane. There’s lots of good advice on here and I wish you well with your treatment.

Just wanted to say, well done team Mumsnet who jumped on board straight away at 1 am with good advice and support and it’s been flowing ever since 💐

Sometimes in life we have to be utterly selfish for whatever reason and this is one of those times. You must think of yourself and your health. Rest as much as possible and ignore her. Baby showers are shite anyway, never go to them and do not see the point of them.

You just send her a link to this thread where basically we all call her a massive cunt and job done

I’m going to pray that this isn’t your last Christmas and for your good health