Baby shower. I’m Not being unreasonable but my sister is. How do I tell her to get tae fuck?

[leafhandle]

My usual response would be to tell her to stop being a massive baw bag but she’s being absolutely ridiculous and I don’t want to piss her off more.

this is her 3rd baby.

had surgery 3 weeks ago, cancer surgery and I’ve had 5 operations since the original operation because it’s all gone a bit tits up. I’m home now and beyond exhausted. I had my kidney removed and a nephrostomy bag fitted to the other one because of sarcoma. So I’m feeling very vulnerable and absolutely knackered.

My sister who is usually normal has thrown her toys well and truly out of the pram about her baby shower. Her stipulations are as follows;

1. if I go to the baby shower that I cannot talk to family about my operation, mention cancer or mention feeling shitty
2. if I don’t go, I must tell everyone it is because I have norovirus and it’s nothing to do with cancer.
3. If I do go, I must wear my ‘normal wig’ not the colourful one.
4. it’s me who’s organising the whole fucking thing so I need to include x y z like afternoon tea and as her family we should be paying for her and her friends to attend.

I would never make her baby shower about
me but I really don’t know if I have the energy to go to her baby shower, let alone have her dictating what wig I wear. I will have lost my hair by that point (4 weeks) and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to wear a wig because I found them so itchy last time. Also I don’t know if she realises that if chemo doesn’t work for the other tumour I have this will probably be my last Christmas as this is my third go at cancer.

i want to tell her to fuck off and not bother with her ever again but she didn’t have a baby shower with baby 1
or 2 because it was 2020 & 2021 so Covid so she sees this as her last chance of a baby shower because this is her last baby. So I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but fuck me she is so difficult at the moment.

Jesus Christ @leafhandle, let yourself rest and recover. Literally do tell her the get to fuck if she can't get that. She's not the sister you need now or probably ever!
Best wishes for your ongoing treatment and a full recovery 🙏

Absolutely the right thing for you to bow out. What the hell man. Hopefully one day she will realise what an absolute dick she has been and will apologise profusely but there's just no excuse for this.

All the best with your recovery OP.

This couldnt be true. If it is OP you need to go NC with this bitch. Actually unbelievable.

what the fuck have I just read?
Fuck Cancer and Fuck your sister too.
What a cruel bitch.

Holy shit I cannot believe this. What an entitled twat she is. Cancel the whole fucking thing if you’ve organised it.

Sister is being most unreasonable what a horrible thing to say and attention seeking much, that’s before you get to the big baby shower paid for by family for a 3rd baby.
In your circumstances I wouldn’t go or pay if anybody asks it’s because of her selfish entitled and horrible attitude.

I rarely think it would be a good idea to show a thread about someone to them, but I'll make an exception in this case. Your sister is awful. I hope your treatment goes well.

I'd be bowing out of the baby shower and jolly well letting people know why you can't make it. I do hope that you pull out of organising it too! You have more than enough to bloody well deal with and you need to focus on your own R+R...not the on the whims and demands of your sister. Who on earth does she think she is?! I had to keep re-reading your posts as I was so shocked that someone would behave like that towards you. She hasn't had a baby shower before? So what! Neither did I, and neither did most of the people I know. She needs to give her head a wobble!

The decent sister thing for her to do right now would be hand her first two children over to her partner, and come to your house and ask you what can she do to help you. Practical care, cleaning, preparing food, whatever YOU need. You are ill, she is not.
But she isn't decent is she? What on earth must she be like to work with? Or is she one of those who doesn't bother and gets someone else to bankroll her spoilt lifestyle?

You could even say - to everyone! - you are taking medical advice not to overdo it...

I am so sorry you are going through this.

If you were my sister I would be doing all I can to help you and make your life easier. I wouldn't be asking you to sort out a baby shower and I would want you be able to relax and enjoy it too if you were able to come. You deserve better that this.

Sending huge hugs. I would absolutely tell her how unreasonable she is being and her reaction to that will guide your next move.

I’m another one on team “she is being unreasonable and you should not have to deal with this shit”. However, I agree that if she is normally not a nightmare, this is probably a misdirection of her actual grief and distress about your illness. You sound like you are an amazing sister and aunt, that will be the real reason. Also for some the isolation of having a first child newborn during Covid was extremely damaging. It’s taken me a while to get my head around it.

All that being said, she definitely does need to be told where to go.

? baby showers? …is a spoilt brat/US thing. I’ve had 3 offspring all now safely & well & truly grown up; all without ever having a single suggestion of BS’s.
Truly sorry you had to undergo the ordeal of your sisters selfishness whilst all else is happening to you, My thoughts are with you 💐.

she's being a cow and she will realise eventually and hopefully apologise?

I would bow out but will you feel sad not to be there. either way do what feels best for your health. Do you have anyone who can reason with her, her dp?

I'm shocked
Bless you ..
Your sister can't be thinking straight
I'm so sorry

You and me both Ruby I've dropped family members for less shit and life is a lot easier as a result without the toxic shite they used to bring to the table.

Wow! As other posters have said - this is possibly one of the most unreasonable things I have ever read. Fellow cancer patient here too so I know people close can behave in odd ways when dealing with the news but this is unreal. Humans are capable of attending a baby shower and being delighted about it and giving lots of love and attention to the mum and also being kind and caring for another family member. We don't have finite amounts of love and can feel multiple emotions at once (life wld probably be easier if we cldn't).

You do whatever you want/need to do. If she wants to ruin her own day by getting in a mood about then that's on her.

Sending love and solidarity.

Yeah, another one saying go with the 'fuck off, bawbag' option.

If my sister demanded that I pretend not to have cancer, a few weeks after surgery and while undergoing further cancer treatment, in order that she can have a tacky party for her THIRD baby, I'd tell her she was being a selfish, self-centred bitch and to stay the fuck away from me until she'd given her head a massive wobble and was ready to apologise.

And I'd chuck anything I was doing on the party. And tell the family why.

I'm enraged on your behalf.

I think you are doing the right thing @leafhandle. I am so, so sorry for what you're enduring right now, and for the crass, unfeeling awfulness of your sister.

My mum has had breast cancer twice (last time in 2005, she's OK). The first time (1992), there was a young woman in the bed beside her and when I went into visit DM, she and the other ladies in the ward were all comforting this young woman, who was utterly distraught. She'd had a partial mastectomy and her husband had been in and told her that he was going to put in for a divorce because he "didn't want a wife with only one tit". What your sister has said to you are the honestly the worst, most vile, things I have ever heard said to someone battling cancer in all the years since then. I am speechless on your behalf at her atrocious and exceptionally cruel words and attitude.

I hope that she looks back on what she has said and her feelings expressed and is utterly ashamed of herself. I pity her children, having such a cold and unfeeling mother.

Please, please forward her message(s) to at least one of your other family members, so that they have the full picture here, and will know the scope and wretchedness of how she has made you to suffer. Not for retaliation or any desire for fallout, but so that someone else knows what has happened and that at least one person will know the truth when sister tries to spin her own narrative on why you aren't in attendance at the shower or if you appear more reserved and withdrawn than usual. Because I can almost guarantee that it will be painted as you "being difficult/antisocial" and that sainted sister tried every kindness in her power to make you attend and be happy. Someone else needs to know the truth of this, even if they do nothing with that information. They'll be on notice.

Every good wish to you. I really, really hope that there are better days ahead for you. xx

She is fucking bat shit crazy you look after yourself OP x

Christ almighty! Tell her to find someone to organise a shower, pull out completely and make sure you tell everyone exactly why! I’d not be able to be civil about this, she’s being absolutely vile. I certainly woudnae miss her and hit the wa’.

I'm a petty bitch so I'd be sending her list of demands to all and sundry to let them know what an absolute cow bag she's being. Sometimes a good public shaming is called for.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP, cancer is a dick. Wishing you endless strength 💐

What have I read?? Your sister is a selfish arsehole. Fuck her baby shower. her sister recovering from cancer operations should be top priority. I'd not go and tell everyone why, these ridiculous stipulations

She sounds awful! I’d go in my colourful wig and tell everyone her awful stipulations. Seriously, she needs to fuck off!

Hope your health improves OP

Just coming from another perspective. Perhaps your sister is really struggling with the fact she may lose you, and wants this to be a happy memory where she can forget that you are ill and spend time with you without having to think about the cancer at all, because the diagnosis is too much for her? It may be coming from a place of caring about you and struggling with it, rather than being selfish.
Saying this as someone who's just found out my mum has cancer, and I genuinely just want to pretend it's not happening at the moment.
I think the way she's going about it is wrong, but I think there could be more to it than it all being about her. Especially if she isn't usually like this.

I also do agree with you not going. But please talk to her and get to the bottom of it. Don't just write her off as a selfish cow if it's not actually about that.

Xxx