I'm avoiding telling everyone because it's all so horrible.

[sladtheinkaler]

I've posted elsewhere. I'm having a horrible time.

10 days ago my lovely husband, who I have been with for 30 years, told me that he's been having an affair for 4 years. Not only that, but he has carefully and systematically screwed me over financially. I'm stuffed. He is leaving me to be with her. He doesn't like me, and he doesn't like our children or our family.

My 17 yr old son is right in the middle of some very important exams, so I asked DH to just wait until Friday to tell the kids. We have three, and they're all teenagers. He agreed, and we've been pretending things are normal since he told me. He goes to see this woman and then comes home for dinner and eats the meal I cooked for the family. He is packing his clothes and stuff in secret and stashing stuff in the garage, ready to move out on Saturday.

I am hanging by a thread. I haven't really told anyone. How can I? If I admitted it, I'd dissolve into sobbing and never stop. I am crying in secret in the shower and in the car. I am thinking about what needs to happen for the children, and financially etc. I get on well with my collegues and they have clocked that I'm a bit down, but I can't bring myself to tell them. It's so humiliating. He has acted with breathtaking deceit and cruelty, and I had no idea. I thought we were happy. I loved and trusted him.

He has told his family, who are lovely. They are rallying round and supporting him. Long phonecalls. They have not reached out to me. I've known them since I was 17. I'm so envious of their support. They're great people. They're also very wealthy and will support him.

I haven't told my own family. My mother is away on a trip. She lives in another country anyway. I probably ought to tell one of my brothers - but how? I'll just be a sobbing mess on the phone and then what? Then it will still all be true and one more person will know. For what?

I have told a friend who is lovely. She is supportive.

I think I need a bit more support, but I also know that even if I told people there is no support for this. I just have to put on a brave face and be a rock for the kids.

I can't believe he's done this.

Who do I tell? How?

I would tell your brothers. It’s ok if you break down, you need to scream and rage and sob. You’re doing a damn sight better than I would

I'm so sorry you're going through this. what a nasty thing for him to do, to you and your children.

If you're able to send a message to your close friends and family- explain you're struggling and a phonecall would be difficult. your children will need support too, so someone they trust/get along with would be ideal.

I would also seen legal advice asap if you haven't already done so. I know it's difficult but you need to know where you stand. I have seen on other threads people suggest getting anything together you can in terms of financial info- do this before he moves out so you can try and get copies of anything he may be taking with him.

Oh how awful and how deceitful of him… 4 years!

You need to tell people, you need support, you need someone to help you.

Can you go to your mother’s country for the weekend, will she be back? He can stay home with the children for the weekend, it won’t bloody kill him.

You can then have the chance to scream, cry and write a list of what you need to do.

Good luck x

I don’t have advice but if you want someone to talk to you can message me

In March my husband of 30 years did the same. We have two children and a grandson but he’s not interested in them either. There’s not another woman or so he says. He just wants to be free. He has a great job, mine is just part time, and I’m so skint I’m doing surveys for money.

I’m here if you need someone

He is your husband, you have children, You are entilted to half.

Your first step is to see a lawyer asap

So sorry this is happening to you and your children. Your husband sounds like a nasty, horrible person.
How has he screwed you over financially ? Has he squirrelled away assets ?
Assuming you are in the uk, you can get free legal advice from Rights of Women ( charity).

Absolutely contact your brothers and your mum. He has his support network. You need yours. It’s ok to be a sobbing mess. Be kind to yourself. Have you spoken to the school for support for the children ?

Christ alive, I can't believe these men who just drive a truck through an entire family, upsetting everyone's lives and changing everything forever. The other woman probably won't turn out to be that great, either. It may have been four years, but you cannot possibly get to know someone properly under such clandestine circumstances. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she turns out to be Miss Wrong and your husband ends up full of regret. Plus, how can she live with herself, breaking up a family?

I'm so sorry, OP. There are many women on here who have been through this and will be along to support you. Look up The Script. Basically, all men who do this behave in startlingly similar ways, which is why there's a script. After he moves out, he will become like a cold, hard stranger who hates you. They all do it. I think it's the guilt.

My husband left me too, but we don't have kids, so maybe it's different. He did me a favour, although I was devastated at the time. Who wants someone who can do this? Someone who is so flaky that they run roughshod over an entire life and family that you built together? These people are not stable and they are forever seeking something else - nothing is ever good enough for them. Fuck 'em, is what I say.

The website of Chump Lady is an excellent resource, as is the book by Vikki Stark, Runaway Husbands.

Silver lining: You will not be stuck with a grumpy old man in later life. And this is a ways off for you, but dating is fun. My exH had me believing that no one else would want me. Not true - I ended up having some great sex with thoroughly unsuitable men, and they were much better in bed than my exH!

OP i remember your other post and i agree you need to speak with your brothers. You need someone who can practically help you through this. Two points that spring to mine when reading your post. Firstly, you are way too nice and accommodating. You say his family are “lovely” but they haven’t even called you or attempted to see what they can do to help you. That doesn’t sound like “lovely” people to me, they are supporting him even though he has done an awful thing. So please tell your family asap and not be embarrassed, you need sound financial advice as well and your brothers may be able to help you keep a practical head on your shoulders.

Secondly, you say his family are wealthy. Why do I get a feeling he hasn’t wasted his money on the OW, but been moving his money out of his account knowing that he wants a divorce and you would be entitled to it. He has waited 4 years patiently while your children are now early grown up and avoid paying any child maintenance. This awful man is very cunning and manipulative and you seem very nice (possibly too nice). Please get practical advice and do what’s best for you and your children. I think he underestimates you, prove him wrong!

Additionally you write “lovely husband” yet go on to say he doesn’t like you and your children. That doesn’t scream great guy to me. Look at his actions he doesn’t care about anyone but himself.

I'm really sorry this happened to you too. It's so painful.

Absolutely this

Rather than a phone call send a message to your own family members to let them know what is happening and that you need support

I’ve been through it and it’s tough - reach out for support

It will be very hard for him to completely financially screw you. Talk to a lawyer, see what the lay of the land os with finances. Focus on you and then annihilate him. No-one has to stay in a marriage they are unhappy with but 4 year affair and then claiming he doesn’t even like your children and trying to kneecap you financially on his way out.

Fuck that, start getting angry.

I have organised to see a lawyer this week. will find out where I stand.

I don't want everyone at work to know this about me. I don't want people to talk about me. They will.

And my family - I think I'm avoiding telling them because it's such a horrid thing that I almost don't want them to have to deal with it. I know that's silly, I just - I don't want to spread this shit around. Maybe I'm slightly in denial - I don't mean I think it's not true, just that I'm hanging on to this last bit where everyone doesn't know what happened.

It's also complicated because I live on the other side of the world. No one is coming round with a cup of tea and a hug.

Maybe I will tell people when we have told the kids on Friday.

I will be okay. I will be strong for my children and I know I'm better off without him. I think I'm also just a bit exhausted. I'm so tired. The initial shock, and then keeping up this pretense for so long.

Last night at dinner the kids were asking me what we should do for my birthday, and if we could go to a cafe this weekend for breakfast, and I know their world is about to come crashing apart and they don't know that yet. It's a lot.

I know he's not really lovely. But until recently I thought he was. It's like my whole world has shifted on its axis and everything I thought was true, isn't.

This is what I find so staggering. I could have forgiven him for falling out of love with me and finding someone else. But to cold-bloodedly lie to me about everything for 4 years? It's hard to understand.

What an absolute wanker he is being. I'm so sorry, OP.
Is there anyone local who could come and stay, just so there's someone who has got your back?
Sending some virtual 💐

You sound incredibly strong, to put your children first and sustain that under this pressure says so much about the kind of woman you are and I take my hat off to you.

your husband does not sound lovely in the slightest, and neither does his family. Please tell your brothers, let them support you, let us support you….. and yes, see a bloody good lawyer and take half of everything. You will be okay when the dust settles, I suspect your knob head husband will come to regret this!

I'm sorry for you but it sounds like he is an absolute bastard. He will probably cheat on his girlfriend. Im amazed his family have any time for him.

How can he have brought those children up and not love them? Its unforgivable to say that about your own kids.

See a lawyer and screw this bastard.

I'm so sorry. For great resources on surviving infidelity and rebuilding your life post divorce (as well as navigating this shitshow you are mired in right now), go to chumplady.com, her AMA video on YouTube, and her book Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. Check out the advice on your first steps upon discovery and loads of advice on self care (you'll need it) and supporting children. None of it is about reconciliation, it is about building a better new life without a FW in it.

It's horrible that he is doing this when your kids are at school/going through exams but on the bright side if they are older you won't be stuck for years co-parenting or navigating the horrors of drop-offs/pick ups.

Good luck, there is a better future for you. Xx

Thank you all.

I will check out chumplady. Appreciate the recommendation.

I do know I'll be okay in the long run. This is just the shit bit. Will think about telling my brother.

Oh my gosh, chumplady is so good. The first one I read is 'but he didn't suck'. Omg. Thank you for this recommendation.

Take him to the cleaners op! Good luck and I hope things look up soon.

@sladtheinkaler Do they do forensic accounting in the UK? If so, get a GOOD lawyer and go after the SOB. He can try to screw you financially, but many men assume the wife will just accept any crumbs they pass along.

You are married and entitled to one half of everything, pensions, house, savings, investments. You just need someone who will go after anywhere your lousy POS NVDH has hidden assets. Hiding assets is not always easy, especially if tax papers, etc can show how much he was making.

I am so, so sorry that you have to deal with this. I am so angry on your behalf that my ears have steam coming out of them. (Not really but angry-angry).

I think there are some really good MNers and will give you support, an ear and a shoulder when needed. A few might even need a patio done, or willing to help you put in one. Mumsnet {{HUGS}} to you.

See a solicitor and do it asap. Try and find any paperwork and bank statements etc before he takes it all.
I’m so sorry, you’ll get through this but it’ll take time.

Make sure you speak to a lawyer OP. You have rights, especially if you have children.