I'm avoiding telling everyone because it's all so horrible.

[sladtheinkaler]

I've posted elsewhere. I'm having a horrible time.

10 days ago my lovely husband, who I have been with for 30 years, told me that he's been having an affair for 4 years. Not only that, but he has carefully and systematically screwed me over financially. I'm stuffed. He is leaving me to be with her. He doesn't like me, and he doesn't like our children or our family.

My 17 yr old son is right in the middle of some very important exams, so I asked DH to just wait until Friday to tell the kids. We have three, and they're all teenagers. He agreed, and we've been pretending things are normal since he told me. He goes to see this woman and then comes home for dinner and eats the meal I cooked for the family. He is packing his clothes and stuff in secret and stashing stuff in the garage, ready to move out on Saturday.

I am hanging by a thread. I haven't really told anyone. How can I? If I admitted it, I'd dissolve into sobbing and never stop. I am crying in secret in the shower and in the car. I am thinking about what needs to happen for the children, and financially etc. I get on well with my collegues and they have clocked that I'm a bit down, but I can't bring myself to tell them. It's so humiliating. He has acted with breathtaking deceit and cruelty, and I had no idea. I thought we were happy. I loved and trusted him.

He has told his family, who are lovely. They are rallying round and supporting him. Long phonecalls. They have not reached out to me. I've known them since I was 17. I'm so envious of their support. They're great people. They're also very wealthy and will support him.

I haven't told my own family. My mother is away on a trip. She lives in another country anyway. I probably ought to tell one of my brothers - but how? I'll just be a sobbing mess on the phone and then what? Then it will still all be true and one more person will know. For what?

I have told a friend who is lovely. She is supportive.

I think I need a bit more support, but I also know that even if I told people there is no support for this. I just have to put on a brave face and be a rock for the kids.

I can't believe he's done this.

Who do I tell? How?

It’s the cruelty of life unfortunately. Relationships end. It’s just not men who walk away.

My goodness!! So sorry you are going through this. But everything happens for a reason and you will see you are better off without this man.
I would not want to get involved with a man who admitted he didnt like his own children, that's a huge red flag......so good luck to this women!!!! Let her tend to him in later life and wash his dirty underwear. You will feel peace again, it's just hard at the moment. Take care of you and your kids.

OP, your husband is not lovely, he's a cheat, and he's screwed you over - his family are not lovely, they are supporting a monster.

Get angry and get even.

Just wanted to send an unmumsnetty hug.
Make the most of your lawyer appointment. Write questions down in advance, or email them to them before the meeting, to make sure you get the info you need and not miss anythinf if you get upset. Dont be embarrassed if you get upset, they will have seen it all before.
You will be fine, better than fine. There is a new life out there waiting for you and you will find happiness in it. Good luck

OP, message your brothers and tell them the basics and whether you’re up to speaking to them at the moment or not. Tell them you’re going to need their support. Tell them whether or not - or when - you want your mum to know eg not before she’s back from holiday.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, but you sound strong and focused. Your DC will be proud of you.

So sorry OP, unbelievably shit. Honestly, tell people - don’t let him weigh you down in shame. Don’t protect him - you don’t need to hold that any more. So what if people talk - they’ll say how awful he is and how dignified and strong you are. Then they will move on, but you might find one or two people to lean on. Ditto with your children. Get a lawyer, be absolutely ruthless in what you take from the marriage. You sound wonderful and I am virtually holding your hand.

One of the things I really struggled with was that it made me realise that I had never known him at all.
It was like the person I loved with all my heart had never existed because that person would be incapable of such prolonged deceit and cruelty.
This is turn made me doubt my judgement in everyone and everything.
It made me angry with myself that I could have been so throughly duped.
Eventually, (many years later) I understood that it wasn’t my fault but his.
He had something lacking, a hole where his conscience and moral compass should be.

Also, I wanted to acknowledge his family and how hurt you must feel that they haven’t reached out. That is horrible of them. They don’t need to side with you, but not to acknowledge you, your pain and the impact on your children is genuinely absolutely shocking after a good 30 year relationship. Shame shame shame on them.

So sorry OP, I hope you've taken some comfort for the amazing support on MN.
It's OK to cry and wail, for some reason women are made to feel that they have to be dignified in these situations....they don't.

Reach out to your family and friends and get help! Don't protect him he is a slug

He is a piece of work, you are better without him not easy to see at the moment...is the OW a lot younger than him?

Get angry is my best advice after the shock subsides....get mad and get good legal advice.

@Iwanttoliveinagardencentre There's a special place in Hell for those two!

Definitely let your family know, OP, and start getting some RL support.

I wonder if what looks like 'rallying around' your DH is just his family feeling obliged to make all the right noises for him. It's likely nothing personal to you, and it's very disappointing they're not reaching out to you as well. But I'm not sure I'd be confident they don't also secretly think he's a turd. Maybe that's no consolation and I know you can't count on them for support.

It feels to me like you're almost ashamed he's leaving, maybe because you feel like you should have seen the signs? And therefore are afraid to ask for support. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how it reads. Please don't - so, so many women have been here before.

Hugs to you.

I am so sorry you are going through this horrible time. It may not be possible - you might not have the emotional strength, which is totally understandable, but can you get hm to go out for a drive with you - out of the house for half an hour or so, and simply ask: 'What did you mean, you don't 'like' your own children?'

(I'd be tempted to record the conversation, personally.)

Could you try to drum this into his thick skull. 'They are your children. It's not a disposable relationship. You don't get to abandon children just because you want something else. Please reconsider very carefully how you plan to treat them in all this because falling out of love with me is one thing but trying to weasel out of responsibility to people you brought into the world is morally derelict and I know you are better than this. Whether or not we 'like' our kids when they go through the teenage years is immaterial. It is our joint duty to do our best by them and not to renege on that responsibility out of selfishness.'

You can't really get him to realise what a huge injustice he is doing to you because he has that horrible fixed mindset men get when they leave a marriage - they rewrite history. But he will want to think of himself as a lovely man, still. So use that egotism to your advantage by pressing him to continue to be a genuinely stable father figure and not to destabilise their lives in any way through forcing them into financial hardship or a home move during A levels.

Also, if you have a good relationship with his parents, could you call them and say you understand he is leaving you but please would they support you in shifting his attitude towards the children, because currently he is saying... and this will have a really bad impact on them because... They may be all on his side but surely if they love their grandchildren they will back you in expecting him to treat them fairly.

Okay - his family are not lovely ! If they support him and not reached out 2 u ! Tell your kids - he could have waited but he didnt ! He is an awful human being ! Please seek legal advice and try and get what you deserve!!! Stay strong- u are better off without him !

This 4 year affair will help you legally, it shows he has been trying to royally fuck you over financially probably squirelling money away and waiting long enough to avoid child maintenance. He sounds like an absolute twat! You need to start getting angry instead of being so sweet.

Chump lady saved my sanity after my D Day.
I strongly recommend her book "Leacve a cheater gain a life" . Very simple to read, spells it all out and some dark humour too.
I prefer her Podcast to her blog and this may be one to listen to today
https://www.tellmehowyouremighty.com/21-abandoned-wives-and-runaway-husbands-an-interview-with-therapist-vikki-stark/

Come on. It is far far rarer for a woman to walk out on her children and to say she doesn't like them and to rewrite history and put her children through tremendous financial hardship and to expect her husband to do all the grunt work of daily childrearing single handed, while also holding down a job because they don't see why they should contribute a penny towards the family they brought into the world.

I only know one woman who has behaved that way. Even the few I know who leave because they fell in love elsewhere take their DC with them and don't back out of that responsibility. But I know dozens of men who have absolved themselves of all responsibility to their families. Dozens!

What a nasty, wicked shitbag. The problem with him is just straight up arrogance and self centeredness.

Focus on practicalities and know that you will get through this and that it will take a lot of time and pain. And that people who have been treated similarly will help you. Particularly online.

If you want to avoid breaking down whilst telling your family, put it on a WhatsApp chat to them together and start with the reason why you are telling them by message.

Tell anyone and everyone so they all know what a vile shit he his! You're not in the wrong here, he is.
Then see a solicitor.

This person didn't walk away - he hung around for 4 years stringing the OP along.

Whereas he could have ended the relationship 4 years ago and said its not working and I have feelings for someone else.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Firstly, remember that he has been unfaithful to you and his children for 4 years now. The person you thought he was is gone. That's awful. The shock and pain is breathtaking, but the real end came long ago so this isn't happening right now, it happened in the past, the shock is now. Once this hideousness is in the open and you can drop the mask it will get easier. I promise. There are lots of amazing MNers that have been there and will be along with support and better advice than me. You aren't alone.

Secondly, you have your amazing kids to support you and you will support them. You are united in your situation, he is the person that destroyed their world, and yours. I don't mean that the kids should do anything in particular or be carrying you - they're kids! - but the hugs; quiet movie nights; deep chats as a little gang learning how to navigate the new chapter; the guaranteed bouts of hilarity in the midst of it all when you learn that people can cry til we laugh as well as laugh til you cry... They will set in stone your bond with and the bonds between your kids. They are on your side and you CAN cry in front of them if you need to. Same with talking to your brothers. You are allowed to be broken. Get to the end of the exams and then you can breathe. Easier with your brothers and mum on board.

In the long term he will hopefully rebuild trust and connection with the kids by which time you will be in a better place. You will be OK.

Break it down into parts.. Get to Friday. Tell kids. I would make HIM tell them, you sit next to him while he does it. Get him out the house and locks changed. Get to and through Christmas. Etc etc.

Remember, you deserve to be happy, feel loved, be treated with respect and honesty. Don't let him steal any more years by letting fear paralyse you. This will get better. You needed to know and to have the opportunity to be free of a man that is beneath you. We are all here in the meantime, and wish you all the best of everything.
Tell your brothers and your mum. It will help you get to the end of the exams.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You've had some excellent advice - lawyer ASAP, hold your head up high - he's fucked up, you haven't.x

This is a good point. Get a lawyer who really knows their stuff on divorce to go over the finances to ensure you get a very fair deal.

Oh you poor soul.

I remember the heartwrenching feeling of my life having ended when similar happened to me. I told EVERYONE. Family, friends, even the postman got an earbashing - but everyone was so totally lovely and supportive and that was what I needed.

You have to lean on other people. Yes, they might talk about you but I can practically guarantee that even the gossip will be on your side. You are not guilty of anything and have nothing to feel ashamed of.

Your children will probably surprise you. Kids are very resilient. And I suspect they are going to hate their father for a very long time.

What a bastard. I agree that people can fall out of love etc but to be so deceitful for so long is really nasty and cowardly.

OP, I was going to suggest a counsellor or therapist for you. I had something slightly traumatic happen to me and I saw a psychiatrist for 1 hour and it was amazing. It was crazy how helpful it was.

Can you gather as much information as possible. Passwords, account details, documents etc etc.