I'm avoiding telling everyone because it's all so horrible.

[sladtheinkaler]

I've posted elsewhere. I'm having a horrible time.

10 days ago my lovely husband, who I have been with for 30 years, told me that he's been having an affair for 4 years. Not only that, but he has carefully and systematically screwed me over financially. I'm stuffed. He is leaving me to be with her. He doesn't like me, and he doesn't like our children or our family.

My 17 yr old son is right in the middle of some very important exams, so I asked DH to just wait until Friday to tell the kids. We have three, and they're all teenagers. He agreed, and we've been pretending things are normal since he told me. He goes to see this woman and then comes home for dinner and eats the meal I cooked for the family. He is packing his clothes and stuff in secret and stashing stuff in the garage, ready to move out on Saturday.

I am hanging by a thread. I haven't really told anyone. How can I? If I admitted it, I'd dissolve into sobbing and never stop. I am crying in secret in the shower and in the car. I am thinking about what needs to happen for the children, and financially etc. I get on well with my collegues and they have clocked that I'm a bit down, but I can't bring myself to tell them. It's so humiliating. He has acted with breathtaking deceit and cruelty, and I had no idea. I thought we were happy. I loved and trusted him.

He has told his family, who are lovely. They are rallying round and supporting him. Long phonecalls. They have not reached out to me. I've known them since I was 17. I'm so envious of their support. They're great people. They're also very wealthy and will support him.

I haven't told my own family. My mother is away on a trip. She lives in another country anyway. I probably ought to tell one of my brothers - but how? I'll just be a sobbing mess on the phone and then what? Then it will still all be true and one more person will know. For what?

I have told a friend who is lovely. She is supportive.

I think I need a bit more support, but I also know that even if I told people there is no support for this. I just have to put on a brave face and be a rock for the kids.

I can't believe he's done this.

Who do I tell? How?

I know it's not quite the same, but when my partner (now ex) behaved badly, I told anyone and everyone. Why should I be ashamed when he behaved terribly? I'm glad I did because it put that shame into him knowing that family, friends and even the doctor (who I went to for stress) and his kid's teacher (who I wanted to inform to help support my child through the chaos) knew his actions. He learnt there are consequences for poor decisions and his world grew smaller. He very much deserved it. Some men thrive on women being silent.

What a small man. I have no practical advice that hasn’t already been mentioned, but I just want to say if his family is supporting this behaviour, they’re anything but lovely.

DB got left and blindsided after 20 years and he was absolutely destroyed not only due to the relationship, but because he saw his ex’s family as his own by then. They stopped checking in or calling almost immediately. Again, not really the behaviour of lovely people.

You’ll get through this, but he’ll always be a small man.

OP what has happened to you and what your husband has done is beyond hurtful, I am so sorry.
Your 'lovely' husband is not the man you loved or believed him to be. He is a manipulative liar, a cheat, cunning and deceitful.
People can fall out of love and no longer want to be in a relationship but a four year affair is a different level of duplicity.

You need to stop being so nice and get angry and then you need to find strength in your anger.
You also need to talk to someone, please ring the Samaritans, your GP surgery, marriage guidance, MIND or does your employment offer some sort of employee assistance or is their an HR department. You need to talk to someone and very soon, all the services I have listed could signpost you to support.

It is so commendable what you are doing for your children and especially your son but please get some support in the meantime.
I would also get legal advice, ring Citizens advice if you don't know where to start.

OP you will get through this but you can't do it on your own.

My heart goes out to you OP, sending you strength and wishing you well x

You sound very accepting of everything he said. If he has been squirrelling money away from the family deliberately then a good solicitor might be able to advise whether it’s worth getting a forensic accountant to look into this to prove this so you can still get your fare share.

You need to find your anger and backbone. This is not a good man or a good father. This is a man who has been scheming, lying, cheating and depriving you and your dc for four years and picked his time to tell you very carefully where you have to be calm for your dc and to minimise his financial losses. He is even rubbing this in your face now when he could have waited another week. He is vile and cruel and sadistic to torture you like this when you are having to be strong for your dc and stay silent.

This is his shame not yours. Get support, be honest about how cruel he has been and get a STD test and legal advice.

His man is not your husband, he isn’t your friend, he is trying to screw you over so you need to view him as the enemy and remember anything he wants will be in his best interests which are unlikely to be yours.

I completely understand why you are keeping it all in for the sake of your son's exams.

What an utterly fantastic mum you are to put him first.

To go against the grain a bit, I'm not sure I would tell your brother yet though this depends a lot on his character and logistics.

If I was your brother I'd want to shout at your husband. The people who will be massively angry on your behalf will have a much harder job remaining normal and it might add to the children's feelings that you kept something from them if everyone close to them knows.

I'd go for one step removed like your friend or here just until Friday.

Sadly they may well lash out at you so I'd seek advice on how to tell them and what to do afterwards. And I'd photograph every bit of paper I can get my hands on.

Could you call in sick on Friday (or even before) so you have time alone to cry in peace before you have to tell them? Or feign illness, migraine, feeling nauseous - something that means you don't have to endure a family dinner.

The children oddly will need to see you are not okay with it as they won't be okay and you'll need to cry together.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was the 16 year old in similar circumstances and I think my mum is truly amazing - she's my hero.

Following you on another thread in terms of your own situation.
You have a good heart to reach out to another poster with all you are dealing with yourself and what you have said is good advice 💜 x

Im so sorry youre going through this; how unfair.

I dont have any advice, except as a teacher Id say get in touch with your children’s school so they can get support.

Other than that i just wanted to say what a fantastic parent you clearly are to be putting your children first throughout all this (unlike your husband). They are so lucky to have you xx

I separated from my exH two years ago. I was previously friendly but not terribly close to my brother at the time. When I told him what was happening he really came through for me and has become a close friend. I thought he would judge me (because he can be a bit pompous) but he totally surprised me.

Tell your brothers. They might surprise you too.

I’m so sorry this has happened op. But you will get through it.

did he really say he didn’t like his own children? If so, he needs to leave immediately, if not and you’re extending your own relationship break down to them, it’s important not to do that, as hard as it is.

good luck with the lawyer, you will get through this as time goes on,x

What a nasty man he has turned out to be! And for his family to support him while he screws the children let alone you is unimaginably horrific. Wealthy or not you married into an appalling family.

you have had great advice on here. I wish you the very best. In my experience it never ends well for nasty people. But you will soon be free of him and can watch from afar as one day the shit comes tumbling down on him and the ow.

Everyone on here can hear that you have the potential to really thrive.

OP just tell your work the bare minimum they don’t need to know all the details and give yourself some space. Then tell your brothers or anyone else who will be supportive as you will need them. Chumplady also exactly what you need at the moment.

I don't want everyone at work to know this about me. I don't want people to talk about me. They will.

Mostly they won't. This has happened to several colleagues of mine over the years and very little is said, really... people are mostly wrapped up in their own lives. When there is talk, though, it's been, "I can't believe he did that to her. What an arsehole. She's brilliant, she deserves better. Do you think we could do something nice to help support her?"

Hiring a forensic accountant may feel really expensive, but in the circumstances you describe i believe you will recoup every penny and it may save your actual bacon here.

There's a lady right now actually who is going through a tough divorce (I don't know if an affair is involved but I've heard he's a twat). She's fab and brilliant because of course she is. Nobody is gossiping. We're all just covering for her as she needs it and being supportive if she needs to work flexibly. You say you get on well with your colleagues, I think they will surprise you with their support. You may even discover some of them have been through the same.

I'm so sorry OP, I feel absolutely sick for you. How he could be so evil is beyond me.

You will survive this and you will feel ok again one day. In the meantime do whatever it takes to get through the day and do tell your brothers, even if it involves crying - they will want to be there for you.

The behaviour of some men never ceases to astound me. I wish you all the best, Op.

Sending you so much love and strength. I've been there, and it's horrible.

It really is absolutely no reflection on you - he's a morally void man.

Send your mother and brother and anyone else an email, so you can choose your words, they have time to absorb the shock, and then call you - you're less likely to COMPLETELY dissolve if you do it like this, and you can tell them what you need from them.

You're right that this really is the shit bit. You will be fine - he will always be a coward and a cheat. Much love to you x

Find the best solicitor you possibly can. Tell them the facts. Whatever your husband has done with the money should be traceable and I think he might get a shock as you what you are entitled to.

I’d also advise not getting involved in him telling the children - he has caused this situation, he can damn well face it. Then let him deal with everything - do not leave the family home, do not discuss finances or anything else just simply keep saying ‘I don’t know about that but my solicitor will; it would be better for you to ask them’. And repeat! He’ll try to make you see he has this really reasonable suggestion and that you won’t get any more than that anyway.

Im so so sorry you are going through this but longer term you’ll see you are free of a very bad person!

Small steps OP, one at a time. You’re in shock. You and your children will be okay and I’m sure they will support you as much as you will them. I found something similar out recently and my initial response was embarrassment over what a fool people might think I am. I’m over that now and past caring. It’s him it reflects badly on not you. People are kind and helpful and supportive!
Good luck OP and remember small steps for the next few days xx

Do you realise that by keeping it yourself you are supporting him too? He’s getting to dictate how he leaves and in what manner while his wider family fawn over him. Meanwhile you are having to cover his tracks. Tell your brothers. Tell your colleagues. Weep, rant, let the emotion out. You will feel better for unburdening yourself and hopefully you’ll feel stronger and calmer to help your DC after they are told.

You will get through this. Crying is part of the healing and it will stop. Protect yourself. Go through his stuff and take photos of anything financial - car loans, statements for currents/savingd/mortgage/pension accounts. Everthing. He is likely to have been moving assets (cash) over this time to make it look like he has nothing at date of separation. A court can look behind that. Also a court will look at both your circs and award alimony - you need to see a solicitor. Tell him once he leaves, he knocks the door any time he visits the mids. Whilst it might be shared mateimonial asset it isnt his home and you need peace that he wont walk in at any time.

You will get through this. At least you know what he is like now. He doesnt deserve you. Thay will take a wee while to sink in. X

I just want to say that I’m going through similar at the moment. Married 23 years together for 30 and in April this year I was totally blindsided by his announcement that he wanted a divorce. He said there was no one else but so many things have happened that I don’t believe that but can’t yet prove it. He has changed so much in this time personality wise that I don’t know who he is.
I recently found out that he stopped loving me years ago and lied to me all that time.
OP you will find strength, it seems difficult at the moment, I’ve been exactly where you are but get a good group of people around you, legal, friends etc and slowly but surely you will find your way.
My daughter who I’ve always had an amazing bond with has been super supportive throughout all of this as I know your children will be with you too.
Im only a message away if you want to talk and that goes out to anyone reading this who is going through the same

Wow what an absolute piece of shit. I’m sorry you’re going through this op. Get a lawyer immediately, he cannot screw you over.

Legal advice. You need to focus on stopping him screwing you over, because it's your children he is screwing over. You need half in order to finish bringing up your children and you are entitled to half. Don't feel ashamed - tell every single person you meet what he is doing and what he has done. It's shame on him not on you. Find your rage first and then grieve later when it's all done.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. What an awful shock for you. He’s had plenty of time to make peace with your decision and you’re playing catch up.

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes is absolutely right not to underestimate the power of support. I completely understand you not wanting people at work talking about you but if there is one trusted person who knows you will likely feel better and I’d most definitely tell your brothers. You shouldn’t carry it alone.

I wish you and your lovely children lots of strength in the coming weeks. Always reach out on here if you need it - Mumsnetters are a wealth of knowledge and support.