I'm avoiding telling everyone because it's all so horrible.

[sladtheinkaler]

I've posted elsewhere. I'm having a horrible time.

10 days ago my lovely husband, who I have been with for 30 years, told me that he's been having an affair for 4 years. Not only that, but he has carefully and systematically screwed me over financially. I'm stuffed. He is leaving me to be with her. He doesn't like me, and he doesn't like our children or our family.

My 17 yr old son is right in the middle of some very important exams, so I asked DH to just wait until Friday to tell the kids. We have three, and they're all teenagers. He agreed, and we've been pretending things are normal since he told me. He goes to see this woman and then comes home for dinner and eats the meal I cooked for the family. He is packing his clothes and stuff in secret and stashing stuff in the garage, ready to move out on Saturday.

I am hanging by a thread. I haven't really told anyone. How can I? If I admitted it, I'd dissolve into sobbing and never stop. I am crying in secret in the shower and in the car. I am thinking about what needs to happen for the children, and financially etc. I get on well with my collegues and they have clocked that I'm a bit down, but I can't bring myself to tell them. It's so humiliating. He has acted with breathtaking deceit and cruelty, and I had no idea. I thought we were happy. I loved and trusted him.

He has told his family, who are lovely. They are rallying round and supporting him. Long phonecalls. They have not reached out to me. I've known them since I was 17. I'm so envious of their support. They're great people. They're also very wealthy and will support him.

I haven't told my own family. My mother is away on a trip. She lives in another country anyway. I probably ought to tell one of my brothers - but how? I'll just be a sobbing mess on the phone and then what? Then it will still all be true and one more person will know. For what?

I have told a friend who is lovely. She is supportive.

I think I need a bit more support, but I also know that even if I told people there is no support for this. I just have to put on a brave face and be a rock for the kids.

I can't believe he's done this.

Who do I tell? How?

Don't feel like you have to go with the first lawyer you see. Interview a few and go with the one who is most focused on the finances. You don't need someone sympathetic, you need an attack dog. If he's been hiding money then the gloves need to be off. A court won't care about the four years of deception, they don't give punitive awards. You need to get someone to ferret out where he's hidden assets.

If he had kept his mouth shut about screwing you over it never would have occurred to you to look. Now that he's been nasty and gleeful about destroying your life it's time to turn the tables. Take your knowledge that he's hidden assets and make it your mission to get that money for your children's future. It doesn't sound like he's going to cough it up voluntarily, so be mama bear and fight for them even if you don't want to do it for yourself.

I’ve been through this and 3 years on I feel better but it leaves scars.
Things I’ve learned.

His family are no longer your family it doesn’t matter how bad someone acts the family will stick by him.

You cannot believe anything he says now, money wise usually they are more generous in the beginning. From what you’ve said it’s really alarming he’s planned this to make his new life secure and yours with nothing. Get a solicitor now OP it doesn’t seem like the biggest priority but it is. I regret not doing it sooner I’m now three years down the line doing it when I should have done it straight away. The more time that passes the more confident they are in their new life and anything they promised earlier will be off the table.

Don’t tell your children everything they will see and know with their ages but remain child focused never bad mouth him it just creates inner conflict for your children.

And above all else don’t do the pick me dance god I shiver when I actually look back to how I begged such a man that honestly everytime you act with indifference you feel better even if you act it at the time.

YOU are avoiding? You have nothing to hide, the shitbag has to be avoiding, but he does not care. I am so sorry, don't know what to suggest, but I know no-one of us is immune to the treachery of those closes to us. You will be fine, this will pass.

Op, you’ve not answered on if he said he didn’t like his own children, but have doubled down on it, with this comment. I don’t understand why he’s waiting to tell them to protect them if he’s now cutting contact and stating he doesn’t like them. It feels contradictory.

as hard as this is, the kids are important, and leaving the marriage, being shit to your ex wife is one thing, but declaring you don’t like your own children and won’t be there for them is quite another. Leaving your wife is very different to ending your relationship with your own children. You can leave your wife but not your children.

if this is the case, and it looks like it is, he’s cutting contact with his own kids,Then this man needs to leave, immediately, as that is utterly heinous.

Jeez, what an absolute horror show of a man! I’m so sorry OP, some people are horrendous.

I am so sorry OP, he sounds like an evil man.

Stay strong and be kind to yourself xx

Two words. Forensic accountant. 💐

Oh love what a shock for you, your world must feel like its been ripped apart in an instant :(
Talk to the people you are closest to, family and friends will be there for you
I dont know you but id be there for you, a bit of kindness and a listening ear is what you need, hugs and a shoulder to cry on and you DO need to cry it out, youll make yourself ill if you bottle it all up
Sending all my love . You will get through this

Yes!! You’re fucking right! 👏

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP, I can't imagaine how heartbreaking this must be.

I agree to an extent PP saying get angry but too many times you see that anger consume people. How many us have FB feeds littered with public spats between exes - memes on 'narcassists' etc aimed at each other, constant bad mouthing infront of children etc. Sometimes people can't see past their own hurt.

FWIW you seem to be doing all the right things by focussing on the impact on the children and making arrangements with your solicitor. If you carry on in the manner you are doing you will be setting a great example to your children on how to face heartbreaking situations with grace and dignity.

I have read all the messages and I feel sick that this has happened to you.
This man is an absolute CUNT.
He has been a sneaky twat keeping up appearances and biding his time for 4 years. Fucking scum bag. 😠 😡 😤

Are you based in the UK or overseas?
I can completely understand you wanting to get your child's exams out of the way, when are their exams?
My husbands parents seperated years ago, just before his exams and he failed them. He assured me that it was the best thing personally, as he resat them the following year and got top marks. So something very good came out of his bad situation! 💕
He was relieved when his parents got divorced, and he was very protective of his mum, and didn't bother with his dad (who didn't bother with his sons in the first place to be honest). 😠

Your twat husband has pulled the rug from under you. He's ahead of the game at the moment, as you are processing this and trying to play catch up. It's a hard one and he is being do very fucking cruel.
I agree with other Mnetters who say get angry. 👏 💯 👊
Get everything down on paper, email, texts, camera pictures of documents, and seek out legal advice. Start getting some of your ducks in a row. 🦆🦆🦆
Find your balls and rinse that bastard for every penny you are entitled to.

As soon as Friday comes, get that fucker to tell your children.
As soon as your children know, then I would be tempted to tell your own family and also let his family know YOUR side of what's happened. Trust me they will be disgusted, and he will get judged and not feel as fucking special and clever as he thinks he is. He's a piece of shit. 💩

My mother in law was a quiet dignified lady. She was an amazing woman. She got fuck all in her divorce, as she was too meek to fight and wanted it all to go through quickly and amicably. Her sons (including my husband) never saw a penny either, and my FIL went on to remarry and his wife and her kids got all the money when he passed away. He can rot where he is.

Find that fire in your belly when you are ready, and fight him, fight him for you children's sake 🔥
Don't let him hang them out to dry. The future you, will thank you for it.

The phrase, "Don't get mad, get everything," by Ivana Trump comes to mind. I have never heard of a forensic accountant until today, but that sounds like solid advice. Especially as he has had 4 years to cover his tracks financially.

I hope you are okay.
Sending virtual hugs 🫂 and please come on here for support, as well as seeking it out in real life. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You will get through this and grieve what could have been, and then life will get better, I promise.
The first step is the hardest.
Hugs to you 🫂

I'm so sorry OP, this happened to me too and it's totally derailing. I'm sorry that I really can't add anything to what others have advised other than to emphasise getting someone to support you and the kids. It's ok to be angry. I never asked for help and support and I so wish I had. Big hugs x

Never forget that this man is now your enemy. Yes, as melodramatic as that.
He has been separating himself mentally from your relationship for all these years, following the Script, justifying to himself this betrayal of nearest and dearest.
(He was never happy in the marriage, you never did this or that, always did that, held him back, whatever bullshit. He doesn't (never did) love you OR HIS CHILDREN.)
So do not trust any signs of friendliness or decency from him from now on. Always remember that he has been lying and cheating those he was closest to, in every way, emotionally and financially, and that this is who he actually is.
Get the Rottweiler lawyer, copy paperwork, sort out what you can from the bank accounts, and do go grey rock.

And make him tell his children himself.
This is his mess; don't help him, or smooth the way. Be there, so you can ensure that he doesn't try to shift blame, or give them more lies, but don't let him try and present it as a joint decision. Or use the word”us”
There will be questions, but they are his to answer, apart from assuring them that YOU aren't letting them down.

💐

Definitely this. Go for his jugular.

I'm so sorry for you and dcs @sladtheinkaler 💐

OH MY GOD WHAT AN ARSE!!!!!

I'm so sorry you are going through this. 4 years FFS. And to say he no longer likes his children is beyond terrible.

If your 17 has exams this week that are important as shit as it sounds I do think you need to keep it together. But after that be rid of him.

If his family are rallying around him do they actually know the truth? Surely they will still be there for their grandchildren.

Also don't be so sure the kids don't know. My friends parents split days after he finished his A Levels, he knew it was coming.

Bless you OP, I had similar happen to me, two of my teenagers were in the middle of exams. You will get through this.
Tell people, you have done nothing wrong and you need support. Tell family and close friends. Lean on them. Throw a bright light on his behaviour. After you tell the kids, and he needs to be there, and tell them, because he’s the one throwing a bomb under their lives, tell heads of year what has happened so they can keep a close eye on them.
Get legal advice asap.

You’re playing catch up, he’s been planning this for a while. My ex did the same. Be prepared for him to rewrite history to make himself feel vindicated. “she’s nuts, impossible to live with”, “I’d have had a breakdown if I stayed “, it’s all part of the script, I had it. But, and here’s the thing, people aren’t stupid, they will see the truth, that he’s a cheating scumbag and you’re the strong mum keeping yourself and your kids together.

I initiated divorce proceedings, and he was served papers within a week of throwing him out. We’d agreed to wait until the summer holidays post exams. I lasted until Easter. The kids knew, they always, always know more than you think they do. I couldn’t bear the atmosphere, the pretence, so he came home from work one evening to find all his stuff in bin bags on the drive. My two male cousins stood on the driveway, me and kids inside, with doors locked and keys left in. He went without a fuss. I’d told the kids what I was going to do earlier, we all cried, but tears are good, it’s fine to breakdown.

15 years later, and we’re all fine, getting on with our lives. Take control. Maybe not today, because you’re reeling, but small steps. You’re stronger than you think .

Just read your other thread and saw that he's spent the family savings on supporting the other woman for years. I'm so sorry. What a dick.

Haven’t read the whole thread, just your posts, @sladtheinkaler but just wanted to post in solidarity. My situation is different but my H died by suicide completely out of the blue, so I can relate to the sense of betrayal you feel and having your world completely turned upside down in a moment.

Some things I wanted to say…

Agree with PPs, find your anger. Get support with this as if it’s not your natural instinct, as you could have some blockers like unhelpful beliefs about feelings or others in the way. Get therapy! Have you got an EAP service at work?

If you can, wait another few days after the exams have finished to tell your children. It wouldn’t be nice for your son to associate the good feeling of getting to the end of exams with the crashing down of his world. The association could stick in his mind for a long time.

On the exhaustion - this is completely natural. Take things moment by moment. We only live in and can only attend to the present moment. You’ll piece together a sense of the future over time, but for now just keep bringing yourself back to the present and do your best to give yourself whatever you need in the moment, whether it’s wallowing, crying, sleeping, feeling angry, planning, chucking things out and rebuilding, distracting yourself with something fun etc.

Journalling (letting every single nasty thought and feeling out, completely in private where you won’t feel judgement) is very useful and therapeutic. Burn it afterwards if you feel more comfy.

Don’t worry about what other people think. You have nothing to be ashamed of. They’re likely to feel sorry for you anyway if they know the truth, and if they don’t, sod them.

Choose who you tell and how you tell them. You’re in complete control of who knows what about your life and when, and you know best whether people are likely to support you or be unhelpful.

This could be the making of you. 10 years later I look back and I’m glad for the lessons H’s betrayal taught me and the way it taught me to take full responsibility for myself and my happiness. Life is better in many ways. There can be a lot of silver clouds to this kind of situation, so hold onto that when you have moments of despair!

Never mind family, get to a divorce solicitor NOW. There are rules about financial support, you need legal advice fast. For your and your kid's future, pull yourself together and get that NOW. You don't have time to be a blubbering wreck, give yourself a shake and move.

If that is the case, then this can be brought up during the divorce process, it can possibly be taken into account with the final settlement.

@CaminoPlanner no point in talking to him about his responsibilities - he's had 4 years to justify this to himself and by now will believe his own shit & lies.

@sladtheinkaler you need to start writing everything down as soon as you think about it or remember anything. You are naturally in a fragile state and it's so easy for things to slip out of your mind.

You say he's been financially screwing you over in the 4 years this has been going on - have a section in your notes dedicated to all the ways he has or you think he may have been doing this.

You do need to tell at least your boss at work. Then they will understand when you need to go outside for calls e.g. from solicitors etc or even for a quick cry. You know your work mates but I would tell at least those who you work closely with for the same reason, plus just somebody asking if you're OK or offering a shoulder to cry on can really help.

You haven't said how old the children are apart from the 17 year old, that can make a difference to a lot of things including what you say to them & how, and his financial responsibilities towards them & you. Your solicitor should be able to advise on this. Do tell the school as soon as the kids know so they can be offered support from there and possibly allowances made for them if needed.

As others have said, dig up every single bit of paperwork relating to financials going back as far as possible, especially any that show the differences in savings, investments etc from just before the affair began and now. Anything you can access on line, screen shots or print outs. If you tell your boss about it all, they should let you take at least a day or 2 off this week at short notice so you can do your hunting when your excuse for a husband is out of the way & doesn't see you doing it. Send emails to an account he can't access, and if possible keep print outs etc out of the house e.g. at work so he can't find & take them.

When you find it all overwhelming, take a short time out to have a cry then remind yourself that you need to get this done urgently and can relax into your grief once the critically urgent stuff is done

I repeat - keep notes as soon as you think of them. Not just on a PC or laptop, but a notes app on your phone or even a notebook. Chuck them down as quickly as possible; you can always think through things later & write them down properly later.

Good luck!

You not wanting to tell people, is to try and protect yourself from the betrayal you're feeling. Once you start telling people, it makes it all real. Unfortunately, yes you do need to start to tell your family, and friends because you and your children will need support. None of the situation is your fault, you've been completely blindsided. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about either. Tell people exactly what he's told you. Your husband is no longer your friend, he's not on your team and doesn't have yours or your children's best interest at heart. Your husband has been having a 4 year affair, and likely within that timeframe has been moving money around, in preparation for a divorce. He's been manipulative, sly and has deliberately tried to make sure you walk away with less than you're entitled too. At the moment you are in shock, but the anger will kick in, and I think once you start to tell people it will trigger that anger. You need to channel that anger into making sure you get the best possible outcome for you and your children. Employ the services of a forensic accountant to find hidden/removed assets!! And lawyer up!

Good that you are getting legal advice.. gather the paperwork and copy everything, put a copy someplace safe, outside the house.
Honestly.. tell everybody... EVERYBODY! This is not your shame to hide, he is an arse. Tell them clearly and fairly, dont cast blame, just tell the truth, let them work it out for themselves. You dont need to protect him in any way, his actions declare the man he is. You will find your true friends in the coming months. The rest are not worth bothering about.
Dont criticise him to the kids, but dont cover for him. Be clear this is not your doing, not what you want, it is all being driven by their father.
Make sure he delivers financial support for his children. He doesnt get to walk away, waving his cock and a full wallet.
Look after yourself, this will have a physical and mental toll on you, but you can get through it. And in your darkest moments remember, that at the end of this you will be living a life of truth, unlike the past four years.

Hes not lovely hes been doing this for 4 years and if its a joint mortgage you will need to sell the house, if your son is 17 he will be off to uni next year anyway, let her have him and you can have a new life which will happen, let the old git go