I'm avoiding telling everyone because it's all so horrible.

[sladtheinkaler]

I've posted elsewhere. I'm having a horrible time.

10 days ago my lovely husband, who I have been with for 30 years, told me that he's been having an affair for 4 years. Not only that, but he has carefully and systematically screwed me over financially. I'm stuffed. He is leaving me to be with her. He doesn't like me, and he doesn't like our children or our family.

My 17 yr old son is right in the middle of some very important exams, so I asked DH to just wait until Friday to tell the kids. We have three, and they're all teenagers. He agreed, and we've been pretending things are normal since he told me. He goes to see this woman and then comes home for dinner and eats the meal I cooked for the family. He is packing his clothes and stuff in secret and stashing stuff in the garage, ready to move out on Saturday.

I am hanging by a thread. I haven't really told anyone. How can I? If I admitted it, I'd dissolve into sobbing and never stop. I am crying in secret in the shower and in the car. I am thinking about what needs to happen for the children, and financially etc. I get on well with my collegues and they have clocked that I'm a bit down, but I can't bring myself to tell them. It's so humiliating. He has acted with breathtaking deceit and cruelty, and I had no idea. I thought we were happy. I loved and trusted him.

He has told his family, who are lovely. They are rallying round and supporting him. Long phonecalls. They have not reached out to me. I've known them since I was 17. I'm so envious of their support. They're great people. They're also very wealthy and will support him.

I haven't told my own family. My mother is away on a trip. She lives in another country anyway. I probably ought to tell one of my brothers - but how? I'll just be a sobbing mess on the phone and then what? Then it will still all be true and one more person will know. For what?

I have told a friend who is lovely. She is supportive.

I think I need a bit more support, but I also know that even if I told people there is no support for this. I just have to put on a brave face and be a rock for the kids.

I can't believe he's done this.

Who do I tell? How?

I bet his family won't be quite so supportive of him when they realise he doesn't like his own kids, doesn't want to see his own kids at their access needs to come through you.

At the moment he's the good guy because he's spinning the story. When people see his true colours that will stop.

So sorry you’re going through this. Try and find your anger.

You’ve nothing to be ashamed of. If one of my friends told me this it would be the husband I’d think less of, not her. Good luck with the solicitor - hope you’ve got one like a Rottweiler x

So much good advice.
Mine would be get a sizeable part of his pension in any deal.
Also practice grey rocking him. Basically acting emotionally dead around him. Give him no energy. Its great for you as a way of knowing how to act right now and also confusing for him as youre not acting as you should. Will make him discombobulated.

I am so sorry op. What a fucking awful situation. It won't feel like it now, but you will get through this.

Start small. Tell one person. Don't worry about how it comes out/what you say/whether you just cry etc.

Sending love and solidarity.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What an absolutely awful thing to do to you and your children.
I just want to say that you should seek support for yourself and your children. You don’t want them to feel ashamed (that’s what children feel if they can’t talk about things like this). It’s not your fault and it’s not their fault, so it needs to be told to family and friends - your version, not his. I can quite understand about work and you can just give a short factual statement and as pp have said ask them not to discuss it after that.
I’m saying all of this not to tell you what to do, but there is so much research evidence of the harmful mental (and physical) effects of internalising stressful life events. There’s also a large body of evidence of the health giving benefits of social support.

Depends whether there's half of anything to be had.
But I agree with getting a lawyer.

Can you afford to employ a forensic accountant to go through the financial stuff? You can't make him stay and you probably wouldn't want him to now that you know what a disgusting human being he is, but you can try and get your fair share financially which will make everything much easier.

Do his family know what he has done?

What has he done financially? Do you have copies of any paperwork, previous balances of joint account etc. Is the house in both names?

Tell your brother, tell work and take some time off, fall apart then get your fighting gear on, go see your solicitor and get your ducks in a row

I would also be telling the teenagers about the affair and him hiding money (no need to mention he doesn't like them)

Hello @sladtheinkaler, I really hope the message I’m about to write isn’t inappropriate. I just wanted to tell you my Mum’s story. 40 years ago, her husband of 20 years, my Dad, left her with 2 children age 13 and 11 for a family friend. My mum did not work at the time and all her family lived at the other end of the country. No internet, no WhatsApp groups, no text and <SHRIEK> no Mumsnet. She’d come from a very sheltered upbringing and although highly educated did not at the time work outside the home. She’s also rather introverted and I’m not being flippant when I say clearly on the autistic spectrum.

i won’t lie: it was tough. BUT Oh My God, my Mum is bloody amazing. I don’t know HOW she did it. She remarried the most amazing man when my sibling and I were adults - not that she needed him if that makes sense. She forged a professional career and raised us single handed. My bio dad did fuck all. My step dad, who only came on the scene when I was 19 is who I look to as a father.

I would do ANYTHING for my Mum. She’s my role model and I am grateful to her for everything.

I really hope you don’t mind me posting this - I wanted you to know that it won’t always be like this. You will survive and you will come through this.

I’m so so sorry this has happened to you. How fucking dare he??? The very nerve!!!! Marriages don’t always work out, that’s fair enough. But to do what he (and my dad) did is unforgivable. My Mum never ever bad mouthed my bio father to us when we were growing up but I’m a grumpy 50+ year old now so we go to town on it! He’s still alive and always moaning that I don’t make enough time for him. Mate, heard of karma?? You reap what you sow

Also, maybe think about telling your work colleagues. No one worth their salt is going to judge you and if anyone does that’s on them. In my work I’d probably have to make sure the bastard was referred to safeguarding as there’d be a baying mob after him.

Sending you and your children love and light x

Gosh, you poor thing. Loads of MNers have been through similar so you’ll get good support here.

I just want to say as well, don’t ever feel ashamed because someone else behaved badly. The shames on him, not you.

I’m so sorry.
I found out my husband of almost 20 years had been having an affair for a year with my best friend and all whilst I was going through my initial cancer diagnosis.
I accidentally came across photos of them together on my pc because he had forgotten his phone was synced to it.
These photos included one of them in bed together and one of a heart carved into a tree with their initials and the date.
The heart photo was the absolute killer not least because he had done the very same thing for me years before.
The date in this carving with their initials was the day after I had just had my lump and lymph nodes removed.
The shock and hurt almost killed me.
He moved in with her and screwed me over for every penny he could.
That was all ten years ago now.
Feel free to message me if I can be of any help.

They are not ‘lovely’ op they are all utter c###s! You will be fine…find your anger and don’t let him have it all his way!

I've been through this too and it's so horrible.

I'm so sorry OP. He's such a shit; he doesn't deserve you or the kids.

I didn't want people to know either but it got out very quickly - thanks to him - and I fell apart quite publicly, or it felt that way at least.

He sounds absolutely horrible. Please try not to worry about falling apart, it's ok if you do, your world is upside down.

It won't stay that way forever as hard as that might be to believe right now.

I think in you not wanting to tell people - that's what makes it real. However it also helps having people have your back.

Take care. X

I do need to find my anger. And I will. I am strong, and I will be strong for my kids. I will be absolutely fine without that arsehole, and my kids will know that they have me. I will find my anger - I just feel exhausted right now. I'll get there.

There's one in Cheltenham, initial B. Known as the rottweiler.

So many people sharing similar stories. It's heartbreaking. What is wrong with these men??

He has the jump on you by 4 years. You need to check out the financials ASAP. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't been squirrelling money away.

Get a good lawyer and go for his pension.
Stop being so nice and get fucking angry.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you - please OP find some of that anger before he leaves. Take a day off work and go through his stuff, take copies of anything any everything related to bank accounts, pension, salary, investments, mortgage, bills. Do you have joint accounts/investments? I'd be withdrawing some money sharpish if you do as if he hasn't already stopped them you can bet he will. Have you at least got a credit card and your own account - sort that out today if not. Once he's gone it will be a damn sight to find anything without paying for some sort of financial investigator.

IKR. We need a jaw on the floor emoji.

It’s unbelievable. I’m raising 4 boys and without wanting to come across as a total misandrist I’m absolutely hammering home the point of being kind, respectful and honest to everyone but ESPECIALLY their partners / wives / husbands when they are in a relationship. As I said, marriages and relationships break down, that’s just a fact of life. But for the love of all that is good and holy in this world DON’T BE A TOTAL CUNT (sorry not sorry for lowering the tone).

@sladtheinkaler time to channel your nearly user name. You WILL be fine in time but it’s also completely ok to scream, cry and rage. BUT!!! This is on HIM, not you. x

If you don't find your anger now, you will do at some point. Especially when he realises that you're not 'playing ball' and doing as he says, the gloves will come off properly then. You'll see the 'real' him come to the fore.

He's got 4 years on you...he's a step ahead, you are wrong-footed and he will capitalise on this.

He may have been 'lovely' for however long you've known him but he really, really isn't lovely at all.

Good to hear you've got a lawyer sorted. You do need support IRL, please reach out to someone, lean on your friend to help you. Best of luck OP, as you will see from other PP, you sadly are not alone. I'm so sorry.

You are starting the process of grief, although he hasn't died - you still go through the grief stages of the ending of a relationship. Anger may come at some point and in some shape.

As someone else said up thread - people will talk about him, not you. They will be horrified at the deception and the pond life that he is and how he has treated you.

His family may believe every word but his friends will be doubtful and look at him in a different light, thats for sure.

You don't need to be ashamed, or be a victim. This has happened, you will deal with it. Such a shame 4 years wasted as he could have let you go to find and flourish in a new life yourself.

I hope you find support in RL as well as her on these pages

I can't give you practical advise as not sure if your in the uk or not (not that im prying) but my advice on practicalities only runs to the uk

oh and he is not a bastard - you have to be a man to be a bastard and he certainly isn't that

wtf couldn't he wait until after Friday? after 4 years...

Some really great advice on here and so just wanted to say you sound so lovely and an amazing mum and you will survive this.
You don’t need to tell your work colleagues until you’re ready but when you do I can guarantee the only person they will judge is your absolutely awful lying husband not you. If you’re struggling though in work maybe speak to your manager and I’m sure they will support you. Sending hugs and strength to you xx

@sladtheinkaler I'm sorry OP for the position you're in. What a shit.

I've not been divorced but lots of my friends have and there's been big money involved.
Your husband is a liar and it's a disgusting thing to say he doesn't like you or your joint children. What a nasty man. He should be ashamed of himself.

My late mother was married three times. She divorced two of them before she met my lovely dad. Good people are out there.

You'll be surprised at how supportive your children will be. I have a 26 & 22 year old and over the years both have supported friends whose parents have divorced. They take a dim view. My son is particularly honourable for a man. They're not all selfish arses.
My brothers would be having a word with any man that left me.
I remember my husband and his brother chasing my SIls ex on and off a bus as he has stripped their flat. Two 6'5'' black men who at the time looked like Wesley Snipes!
You will get through this.
I posted up thread re a Cheltenham solicitor. DM if you need further details. Two of my friends used her services.

I would tell people he's left you for another woman. What a Prince. And I agree the waiting sounds like avoiding paying maintenance.
Don't you dare feed him or wash his pants. Better things await you my love. If you think you'd like to move play housey housey on Rightmove. If there's no room for him the fucker can't come back. X

Big girl pants time, OP - you can get through this and you’ll be better off without the cheating idiot.