I'm avoiding telling everyone because it's all so horrible.

[sladtheinkaler]

I've posted elsewhere. I'm having a horrible time.

10 days ago my lovely husband, who I have been with for 30 years, told me that he's been having an affair for 4 years. Not only that, but he has carefully and systematically screwed me over financially. I'm stuffed. He is leaving me to be with her. He doesn't like me, and he doesn't like our children or our family.

My 17 yr old son is right in the middle of some very important exams, so I asked DH to just wait until Friday to tell the kids. We have three, and they're all teenagers. He agreed, and we've been pretending things are normal since he told me. He goes to see this woman and then comes home for dinner and eats the meal I cooked for the family. He is packing his clothes and stuff in secret and stashing stuff in the garage, ready to move out on Saturday.

I am hanging by a thread. I haven't really told anyone. How can I? If I admitted it, I'd dissolve into sobbing and never stop. I am crying in secret in the shower and in the car. I am thinking about what needs to happen for the children, and financially etc. I get on well with my collegues and they have clocked that I'm a bit down, but I can't bring myself to tell them. It's so humiliating. He has acted with breathtaking deceit and cruelty, and I had no idea. I thought we were happy. I loved and trusted him.

He has told his family, who are lovely. They are rallying round and supporting him. Long phonecalls. They have not reached out to me. I've known them since I was 17. I'm so envious of their support. They're great people. They're also very wealthy and will support him.

I haven't told my own family. My mother is away on a trip. She lives in another country anyway. I probably ought to tell one of my brothers - but how? I'll just be a sobbing mess on the phone and then what? Then it will still all be true and one more person will know. For what?

I have told a friend who is lovely. She is supportive.

I think I need a bit more support, but I also know that even if I told people there is no support for this. I just have to put on a brave face and be a rock for the kids.

I can't believe he's done this.

Who do I tell? How?

I am so sorry, that must be such a blow to you. Did you really have no inkling of what was going on for four years?

Screwing you financially is not very gentlemanly, do get some legal advice pronto.

You say his family is lovely but they are giving him support, not you. That's not very lovely. Does he need support?

Supporting my friend through her divorce similar to yourself but the lies and affair were for 18 months. Their children despise him and the new woman. They are playing nice as he is assisting supporting them through University. Good luck you will get through it though it may not seem as if you will at the moment,

OP you are amazing

This will pass

I'm so sorry he has put you in this position 💔

I know what you mean about reluctance in telling people.

It is truly and utterly shit. And what can they do about it anyway? And also being defined as a victim is really not great. I disliked all the Phoenix rising from the ashes narrative too three years on.

But don’t underestimate the power of support. Even a listening ear. It will help you process the huge emotional assault you’ve received. Your friends and family love you. They will want to help you in any way they can.

His family will of course not have been given the true story. He has had years to perfect the story, possibly to villainise you and to keep his public image clean. You can’t control his bullshit but you can keep your dignity and don’t engage. Not all his family will be convinced anyway but it doesn’t matter. They are not on your team regardless.

He is not lovely. He is a deceitful, manipulative, cruel creep worm of a man. To do this adultery and then for four years. Coward.

Please be clinical. You will be exhausted but please see a solicitor asap. He will have been planning this and financially, he thinks he will have tricked you too.

Make sure you get a solicitor. And the DCs. They have you. You are their stable rock. Whatever he’s done to destroy the status quo, you will rebuild it with them.

Courage. It is horrendous. But one step at a time, you will head towards the light.

He sounds like a psychopath. So sorry OP.

Just send the same short message to some of your people- brothers, mothers, friends. Good luck your husband sounds horrible

Seeing a solicitor is so important. At this point when you’re exhausted with the whole thing it’s so easy to just let it go but your future self will thank you so much for pursuing the financials relentlessly and through strong legal channels.

And get a really good friend on board with you. You need and deserve the support.

What a kind and empathetic response whilst going through your own struggles. ❤️

Sending you a big hug and handhold OP. This is such a horrible situation. Keep posting here if it helps as there are lots of ladies who will understand and support you. I second Chump Lady she is funny as well as practical and informative. It helped me to laugh and see the complete absurdity of how my exh behaved.

Get legal advice and find out where you stand on jurisdiction and the best place to divorce. Start saving a battle fund if you can. Set up an account in just your name and save every little bit you can to help later for solicitors etc. get your husband to pay for as much as you can now for stuff like bills, kids clothes etc.

Don’t worry what others think. Once you start telling people it helps so much. I lived abroad and I think the first people I told were the beauticians and hairdresser. They were so kind to me and understanding. And just that helped so much! Knowing others understood.

Breathe deeply, focus on one step at a time. E.g today set up your divorce fund account, tomorrow get copies of your marriage certificate etc. next day start researching solicitors, next phone two from your list.

Hold your head high and tell people if you want. You have nothing to hide. Those who are understanding and support you are those who matter. Anyone that doesn’t is no loss to you.

You can get through this OP. Keep gong. When I was in the middle of the storm of marriage breakup I used to say to myself in the mirror each morning’Courage mon brave’. Probably terrible French but it helped me to feel I was brave and could get through that day.

Good luck and keep going.

Don’t let him rush you into anything he’s been planning this for a long time, you are on the back foot right now. Take your time and get copies of any financial stuff you can as soon as you can.

I totally get the not wanting to say anything to anyone but I’ve seen on here so many times the strength people get once it’s out, often from the most unexpected places. At the moment it’s like you’re carrying around this horrid little secret that’s taking up space in your head, once it’s out it frees all that up to allow you to actually process it.

Deep breath.

What a horrible person he is - that doesn’t even cover it really.

First step - find yourself a solicitor, contact women’s’ aid if you need to. Make an appointment for some legal advice.

Second - tell your brothers. Just tell them what you’ve written here- there is no right or wrong way to say.

third - I’d make an appointment with GP; this will likely be really stressful for you; alternatively you could go to the pharmacy and see if they have anything that would help you sleep and relax.

sending you a huge hug. Best of luck. It seems dark now but you will come out of this
Can you go a stay elsewhere with your kids say from Friday evening for the weekend?? Leave the wanker to pack his stuff alone and go.

xxxxxx

That's sad to read, sending positive thoughts.
And I agree with the others, think of how best to secure your future now. I certainly wouldn't be thinking of your husband or cooking him meals

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. As others are saying, your husband is definitely not lovely but it is an absolute bastard. Coming to terms with that is really challenging after so many years of believing in them, but it will be a process.

For now, you are doing amazingly at holding it together for your kids, you are a wonderful mum. You definitely need support for you. Can you try to find a therapist and book an appointment urgently? Counselling saved me during my divorce and I was very lucky to find someone that really helped me.

Chumplady and Runaway Husbands both helped me a lot, as did posting here (different username). There are so many women who understand what you are going through and have experienced something similar. Post here whenever you need support or advice. I also lived far away from family and was isolated from friends, and the advice I received here helped so much in feeling less alone.

it doesn’t feel like it right now but your life is going to be so much better without your husband around. If he is selfish and cruel enough to behave like this, I suspect you are going to start to realise that he’s been selfish in many other parts of your life too. You will have children who love you and appreciate what you’ve done for them (even if it takes a little time for them to show it!) and you will be able to build a whole new life for yourself.

its a lot to process right now but remember he is four years ahead of you in planning. Get a good counsellor to work through your feelings with. Get a good solicitor and do NOT let him get away with giving you less than you are entitled to. You have spent a life with this man and what he has is also yours and your children’s . Don’t let him or his family guilt manipulate you into thinking otherwise.

He will be telling his family his side of the story. His lies, he will re-write history.

Maybe they should hear from you, you were happy, your lovely children, and his 4 years of cheating and lies.

And about how he doesn’t like his children.
The children are their grandchildren, they should be happy to help.
so sorry you are going through this.

Also, I understand not wanting to talk about it work. My ex and I had worked at the same company and I couldn’t bear to talk about the separation while it was happening. I emailed some of the people I worked with most closely to say quite simply, “ i want you to know that this has happened (no gossipy details of course!) we have separated and are divorcing. It’s very difficult for me and it is not something that I want or will feel able to discuss at work so I would be really grateful if you don’t bring it up if we meet”.

Something like that anyway. Just a couple of sentences, clear and direct. It worked really well, as people expressed lots of kind things in messages and offered support outside work but they all respected my request and didn’t bring it up in person. That helped me have a space where I was able to avoid thinking about the divorce, and being confronted by well meaning attempts to help or be supportive. (I realise some people might get lots of support from colleagues but that approach helped me anyway)

What an utter shit. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Tell your relatives. When my DSis was getting divorced and she was abroad we would talk to her for hours on the phone. We were there so she could vent and baul her eyes out.

What an absolute bastard he's been

Op when you tell people it’s like a huge weight off, you only have to tell as much as you want yourself but having others ask you are you ok and talk things out and help is huge. It’s so sad he isn’t thinking about the kids but good for you and them too

Something similar happened to me 2.5 years ago. I thought I’d never get back up, but I did. Friends and family were incredible. You need to tell people because they will rally round and support you.

I changed job in the end because I didn’t want to be “Elektra who had the bad divorce” any more. Though, even my work were very sympathetic and encouraged me to take time off (I’m quite senior).

Take it day by day. Do get legal advice and don’t believe a word he tells you about what you’re entitled to financially.

i am sorry op, that is dreadful
can you go off sick from work, gp would give you a note and occ health would understand

Are you worried that at work you might be the subject of gossip? You at least need to let your boss know as you are going to have occasions when it's all too much. When my 1st marriage broke up, some of my colleagues were very supportive and a great help, I found being at work a great distraction as it was the only area in my life that stayed the same, and I managed to compartmentalise somewhat, and "fall apart" once I got home.
I really feel for you it's such an unbelievably disgusting way for your H to behave, sending you love and support xx

@sladtheinkaler so sorry to read this. You’ve had some great advice on here. Am I right in thinking he’s leaving you on or just before your birthday? I think that tells you all you need to know about the man. Please let your kids celebrate with you, I’m guessing they will not be impressed with the timing either. Please don’t worry about work gossip, you might be surprised at how your colleagues can provide support during this shitty time. Sending strength to you all 💐

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My father did exactly this to us 30 years ago. My siblings and I were the same age as your children. I remember that feeling of being too ashamed to tell anyone.

I know you're dreading telling your children, and it will be very hard for them, but you will all be there for each other and you will get through it together. It really will be easier for you once you start to tell people.

You might still get support from your husband's family. In our case, my father had asked them not to contact my mother, which they respected at first, but they felt very torn and were appalled at what he had done. They are all still in touch with her, visit her regularly and love her very much. I hope yours will come through for you too.

Wishing you strength and a very happy future without him.

So sorry you’re going through this, OP.

Haven't got much time to post this morning but just wanted to suggest you move your post to the relationship board, where you’ll get some great advice.

Oh my goodness!!! I’m so sorry, this sounds almost like my story! Married 27 years, my ( now ex) husband casually announced he had been seeing someone. My youngest was just coming up for his A level exams, my elder 2 were both at uni.
I was an emotional wreck… I cried solidly for several days…. But then I told as many people as I could get the story out to, including my elderly Dad, and the relief was phenomenal. People rallied round me, and I had a lot of support, especially from the older 2 kids. (My youngest, was upset by it all, and unfortunately, then COVID happened and he ended up dropping out of Uni, and we are still picking up the pieces.) But, even though I doubted it could happen, I found myself a lovely man who takes care of me and treats me with respect, and I have remarried. Ex H and I did a DIY divorce, split the house proceeds equally ; we had no other assets to share, and agreed to leave each others pensions alone. Probably not the best divorce in the world, but it got it out of the way quickly. I wish I had gone to a solicitor, now, with hindsight, but what’s done is done.

How awful. If it’s not outing, can you tell us a bit more about how he has screwed you over financially?

I’m a happily married man, but I’ve been having an affair for the past nine years

Two anonymous men open up about loving their wives, but admit they have no intention of stopping being unfaithful

https://archive.ph/74D4b