We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

Surely the support extends to supporting at a funeral. It's a bit of an odd belief.

Mmm I can see why people don't understand it

It’s just not something we agree with and as the majority do attend then MIL had lots of support. We have supported in other ways and will continue to do so but it’s one of the few things we just don’t become involved in.

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

I REALLY hope this hyperbole and you didn’t tell someone who’d just lost their father that it was “their turn to do something” 🙈

So your DH missed his own father’s funeral … I’ve never heard of this belief!

Surely you help and care for them and attend the funeral! That’s what most people do.

I no longer go to funerals either OP, and believe that being present when they're alive is much, much, much more important. I don't want a funeral either, nor a burial. Folk will call it selfish, but really they're selfish for expecting us to do something just because they do it.

I don't think your "belief system" makes much sense at all, because funerals are as much about supporting the living as they are for the deceased person. And your MIL would have probably wanted you to be there.

I would judge you too in this situation. Fair enough if you just couldn't handle a funeral because everything was too raw, but making it about some spurious "belief system" just makes you sound ridiculous.

How can you not agree on a funeral … supposing nobody went!

I feel they were happy enough to go along with our beliefs when we were doing everything and they didn’t have to it feels as if as soon as something inconveniences them then they have a negative opinion on us

For me, the main purpose of the funeral would have been to support MIL in her grief. You haven’t done that and have caused a family fuss that she could probably have done without…

Can you explain a bit more about not agreeing with funerals? Is it the religious aspect? Money? What are your plans to manage your death and burial?
Genuinely curious not trying to goad you.

That's what I want, folk to remember me as they choose and no hideous endurance session of grief.

It is your own belief system is that correct? you are not a member of a wider group?

Unless you think that you would come to genuine harm by attending I think you should have gone. People can have any belief system they like but they need to understand some may disagree with their practices.

It’s not about whether you feel the need to go there on the day. It’s about showing respect to the deceased and supporting family members on an incredibly difficult and painful day. I find people who refuse to attend funerals for close family and friends for anything besides trauma and practical reasons(They cant physically get there or get time off) weird and performative. It’s all very “Look at me” and “(Trying too hard to be special”).

You don’t have to join in with the prayers/hymns assuming that it isn’t a secular funeral. You just have to sit quietly. It isn’t exactly arduous.

Usually I'd say the same, and have attended funerals before purely to be there for a member of the congregation rather than because I think funerals themselves matter on principal, but in this case when the OP is being accused of being callous having done more to support the bereaved than any of the idle fuckers doing the criticising I understand the OP feeling a bit aggrieved.

OP I'd maybe have a chat with MIL, ask if she's particularly upset that you didn't come to the funeral, specifically (for some people the funeral is the hardest part and it's when they need the most support). If she does, you may have to accept you put principals before people here and might have made a mistake. If not, you can tell your in-laws it's a shame they didn't put as much energy into helping as they do into whining.

“It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised” yes to get out of doing things you don’t want to do.

I can’t believe you didn’t go to your FIL (your partner’s father!) funeral. That’s cold!

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised

It is unreasonable to expect people to understand a self-devised belief that goes so strongly against social norms.

It's good that you were so supportive during FIL's illness, but your SIL needed emotional support during the funeral. Your stance is so against all social norms, that she's not unreasonable to be hurt.

I think this is what the issue is we see it as about the person who has passed and they are no longer there . This is why we spend as much time with those we love individually and help when they are alive. Yet we are judged by people who didnt see him in years as couldnt be bothered but managed to travel for hours to get dressed up and have some sandwiches and cake after ?

I disagree with your way of thinking as I think funerals are for the LIVING and not the dead. I go to support family members, even the arseholes like your SIL.

Im very sorry for your loss

Your belief system doesn't take into account that one of the main purposes of attending a funeral is to support the living family of the person who died. If you really said that to your bereaved SIL then you need to take a look at yourself. As much as you did whilst your father in law was dying, the family need support in their grief. Instead of providing that support you told them they needed to step up.

It’s very odd you don’t attend.
im not one bit religious but attended many church weddings, and a bar mitzvah, supporting friends.

you should have put your views to the side on this one.

You clearly did a lot for your FIL and MIL while he was ill and other family members should recognise that.

As far as the funeral is concerned, it's not just about your beliefs. What matters more is what your MIL wanted. It sounds as though you are close to her. Did she want you at the funeral to support her?

For me, funerals seem pointless. Once you're dead, you're dead. I don't want one myself and have paid for a direct cremation.

But I recognise that they are important to other people. When my dad died, I didn't feel the need to go to his funeral because I had already said goodbye to him. But I did go, not for me, but to support my grieving mum through a difficult day.

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Wow. I'm actually speechless 😯 Did you actually say that to her when she was grieving for her father?

Does your belief system prevent you from using apostrophes?
I’ve never heard of any belief system where funerals are not attended. Death rituals go back to the start of human existence.

Who devised this system originally, is it just funerals or is it any event where there is a lot of people gathered?