We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

There are a lot of “we” in your comments @Bluehummingbird
but how is your DH feeling about the criticism you are receiving now? How is his relationship with his mother and siblings?

Does your self-devised "belief system" not take into account that funerals are a way of supporting the living, those left behind, to say their final goodbyes to the deceased?

I'm honestly sorry for your loss, but I can see why people are judging you. Most of us would. Your DH didn't even turn up at his own father's funeral, and surely MIL still needed the support of ALL of her close family on such a difficult day!

I couldn't imagine leaving my mother to it and not going to my Dad's funeral even though my sister and I provided lots of support for both of them in the run-up to his death. That would have been cruel and cold.

If you really told SIL that it was now "someone else's/her turn to do something now" then words actually fail me! How cold, cruel and heartless of you and your so-called "belief system."

I’m intrigued about your belief system. I know you don’t wish to elaborate on it, but is it something that you and your DH have written down and worked out or is it just a set of beliefs you agree on that developed over time?

Either way, I think it’s your right to choose not to attend the funeral and you’ve certainly shown your love and care for FIL and support for your MIL in other ways.

Your “belief system” is something you’ve made up in your head so don’t expect everyone to understand your rules. Yes you should have gone. You can do both you know, support your PIL in the last days of your fathers illness and support your mil during the family.

More than this - funerals are ONLY for the living and really have nothing at all to do with the person who died, given they can’t attend.

I can’t rationalise any belief system that is about being there for people where they are alive and then unconditionally insisting you will not be there for your closest loved ones on one of the days they will need you the most.

You were supposed to go to the funeral for your MIL and SIL. You were supposed to help plan to help them during their grief to do something that made them feel better.

It’s totally okay to opt out of these things because you don’t like them - but that’s selfishness (and sometimes it’s okay to be selfish) not some weird belief system that exempts you from supporting your family because you once helped the person who died.

I think criticising others when your husband couldn’t be bothered to go to his own dad’s funeral says so much about who you are and what your belief system is to be honest.

The funeral is the final part of the death of the person - whether you agree with them or not, it's a stage that the person goes through and it's been in place throughout the millennia and across cultures and religions. The body being laid to rest in whatever form simply has to take place. If you feel that you can't be part of that, then obviously that's a right that you're free to exercise - but it's out of kilter with the way that family and friends usually mark the death of someone in our culture and it's understandable they express their feelings on the matter.

No need to talk about them stuffing themselves though, that's just unnecessary.

This is actually how I partly feel.about death and dying but I.wouldn't keep away from a family funeral because of it, i don't think it is a strong enough belief not to go, I also don't believe in any higher being but would go to a religious funeral.

No we were at home and spent time talking about FIL, looked at photos etc. We do this often though we go through memories of people we have lost we just don’t go to an actual funeral event as that’s more about a set final goodbye at a set time and not what we believe in. We read the dc one of the books FIL had got them we try to include those who have passed into daily life still rather than drawing a ‘they are gone’ line under them.

This. I didn't go to my grandparents funerals or aunties funerals. My dad didn't go to his sisters funeral. I am also not going give details but was something that could not be overcome.

Well OP you clearly feel strongly about it so you accept it’s an emotive issue. You have created your own belief system outside of social norms, which you’re entitled to do of course, but you have to realise that social norms are strong, they are wedded into society and people are struggling to comprehend your belief system that hasn’t got centuries of tradition behind it. You’re just going to have to accept they don’t understand, they may even be hurt by your actions. You won’t be able to change their minds, just as they won’t be able to change yours. So there probably isn’t an answer to this other than letting it lie and moving on.

It sounds like their belief system is “do as I say, not as I do”.

Op you mentioned that funerals are performative. I think the act of not going is performative. Everyone there would reasonably have expected the son to be there, along with his wife.
also to tell the SIL it’s her turn to step up is shocking. You helped because you wanted to, don’t become a martyr about it and use it to make her feel bad.

If you’re going to plough on with this belief system you’re going to have to get used to comments and questions; people have the right not to agree with you.

TBF I don’t understand it either, I spend tons of time with my friends and family, I help my older family members when they need it etc that’s just basic human kindness to me (people may disagree).
I don’t go the funerals for the food etc I don’t tend to eat at them anyway due to dietary requirements, however I go to support the family and show my respect.
I went to a recent funeral of a family member to support my Mother, she had her siblings there but she needed my support. I don’t understand why your DH wouldn’t have gone to the funeral part and skipped the wake, that would line up with your beliefs surely.

I hate funerals but I will attend if it’s what the dead would have wanted it or to support the living. Did your FIL know you wouldn’t attend and give his blessing for this? I’m sure you MIL was understandably very disappointed

As PPs said, funeral is for the living not the dead.

I have discussed arrangements for mine, but emphasised that I won’t be there so actually they must do what they want. If they want my funeral to reflect me, then they have some ideas from me. If they need something else, they are free to do it!

One important feature of a funeral is gathering people from near and far that you struggle to see on other occasions. It is an opportunity for families to connect and revisit.

What you have said- very loudly- by your absence, is that this group of people are not important as a group, and you are not part of that group.
That’s why you are getting pushback.

You identify as individuals and relate to your MiL and FiL as individuals and cared for them as individuals. They are also part of an extended family unit, all of who have individual needs, and who put them aside to be together in that unit on specific occasions. It used to be weddings and funerals, but now it seems like it’s funerals and 80th birthdays!

You can believe what you want - but funerals are for the living, not the dead. That’s a fact, not a belief, because a dead person cannot benefit in any way from a funeral. Living people can benefit from closure - and having close relatives missing from the funeral can impact other mourners as you’ve seen.

That said, it sounds like everyone has been happy to sit back and accept your help and support whilst fil was alive. So overall it’s ok for you not to attend.

I agree with you. I'm not going to attend the funerals of my parents when they die because they agree with you too and hence are not going to have one.

I don't believe in religion but that didn't stop me supporting my mum with a religious element to dad's funeral. I think you are being very very unreasonable.

Yes you are right perhaps we should be more open to family and when they say it again send them more details of what we believe

´Devising your own belief system’ sounds like you’ve started a cult.
The thing about belief systems is that they gain respect (even from non-believers) because they are considered important by a large number of people. If you’ve just invented a bunch of social rules you want to follow with your husband and you’re going around calling it a belief system and demanding people respect that, then at best you’re going to get eye rolls and at worst people might think you are delusional. Fair enough that you don’t like funeral and didn’t want to go, and that you consider the time spent with the person dying as far more important. Other people aren’t going to agree that it’s ok to skip a close family funeral regardless of whether you call it personal preference or a belief system. They won’t see it as a trade off with support provided before the death but as an important family event that you’ve been rude and disparaging about. Like saying you won’t attend a family wedding because lots of marriages end in divorce.

Funerals aren't for the dead. The person's dead - they are not there to care whether you attend or not.

You go to a funeral out of care and respect for the living. I am so grateful to the friends, colleagues and family who came to my young sister's funeral, my brother's, my parents. They came to support me and my family. I'll be forever grateful for that.

I don't believe it's a belief system. You don't like funerals and you've made up this ridiculous reason for not going.

I think I can see from this thread that perhaps we need to be more transparent with family about what we are basing decisions on. This is the first thing where it’s really been an issue so it’s hard to know what to do and we perhaps misjudged it so I appreciate the comments and feedback

Again, it's very unlikely that two people came to this same strange belief together. It is more likely that one person has driven this belief and the other has felt compelled to agree with it. Probably due to their own vulnerability in some sense.

I’ve explained that we view funerals as for the person who has passed and not the living and we choose not to go to them.

Even if the person who has died has said that's what they want the living people to do? You essentially say they are lying?

What an odd belief system you have "devised" for yourself - to view all events as "for" the same reason - regardless of what the person planning them feels they are for.

It strikes me as arrogant to think you know better than others in this way.