We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

From your brief post, your belief system seems based in the value of kindness so I don't get where the not attending funerals comes from?

I hate funerals, will only attend those I absolutely have to (I've already sadly had to help arrange and go to my mum's) but I realise its a part of life.

Some people need the comfort and support of people they are close to attending funerals of the person they have lost. I have to confess I don't get it, I was happy to have a very small (covid curtailed) funeral for my mum but I understand some people will need the "big send off" for their loved one and they need people to show up for them at the funeral.

My belief system is I'm able to put aside my own feelings about funerals and do what is right to support the person / people going through the hardest time of their life.

Your DH leaving his siblings to arrange the funeral and just washing his hands of it just doesn't feel kind at all.

I'm fascinated to hear what else features in your belief system @Bluehummingbird ?

Do you object to all rituals involving families & loved ones eg christenings, naming ceremonies, weddings, funerals etc?
Did you have any kind of ritual around your own wedding? (Assuming you are married).

It’s peculiar you think a funeral is for the deceased when you say that they are no longer there so there is no point attending. It’s a way the people connected to that person mark their passing, mourn their loss & support each other publicly. And yes of course follow a social convention specific to the ritual & social context in question. Society & humans have used ritual to mark, process & manage human existence since time immortal. Do you disagree with birthdays, Xmas or other seasonal times on the calendar (non religious ones)?

I do think what’s considered socially acceptable re funerals is changing however - mainly due to Covid, cost & the rise of direct cremations & secularisation /acceptance of alternative ways to mark, mourn & gather a loved one’s departure. Be it a celebration or a sorrowful mourning. Ofc they can feel prescriptive & weird. There’s no surprise many cultures or communities traditionally would incorporate vast amounts of alcohol alongside the event in order (to cope/displace /numb/escape the difficulty/strangeness of it all. Ofc pple comment on the catering, the spread, the venue, what pple wore. We’re peculiar social animals! I think you’ve realised on balance you’ve inadvertently caused more offence by not going & the focus has been directed more to your non attendance than to your LO’s departure. Pple talk, gossip & question things that deviate from the group. I’m all for following your own path but think you shld expect the fallout esp over smthg so emotive as a funeral for a parent.

Would you have been offended if say one of your direct family members declined attending your wedding for eg due to their belief system that does not permit them to attend or believe in them?

If my children didn’t want to come to their father’s funeral for any reason, I’d accept that. I know how much they love us both and it wouldn’t all be about supporting me. At such a tough time, they’re allowed to do what they need to so that they’re ok. It wouldn’t matter. We’ve had a whole life together and for those of us left, we’ll have more time together to show love and support. so them not being at the funeral, if that was what they needed, would be ok. We’re so much more than a few hours and their feelings matter too

Spot on.

Sometimes you have to do thinks your not 100% on board with in order to support your loved ones.

it sounds like funerals mean nothing to OP and her husband so there will be no harm in going just to support loved ones surely?

This seems to be a justification of not giving a shit about the living. If you genuinely care and love people you’d be there for them when they are suffering. Not „on principle“ not go to a funeral because of a „belief system“ you’ve invented. It’s all levels of fucked up

I dislike funerals. They are wild money making activities for funeral directors and they are just bloody sad. I go because I care about the other people attending and knowing they are in pain.

OP and her DH sound like a couple of pompous self-righteous so and sos

I’ve never been to a funeral that involved limousines and anything other than optional family flowers.
They don’t have to be big and expensive.

@Bluehummingbird
As someone with very close ND family members, in some ways I can understand the wish to grip onto fixed beliefs - but I will also say that with ND, it is also important for the person to understand what society’s expectations are, so that they can understand when they need to conform, and when they can fully express themselves. If someone with ND never gets to grips with this, then there will be challenges ahead.

i understand your children are very young, and you have a level of control over them - but that will not always be the case. I want my ND teens to know how to function in society, to thrive, wherever they can. And that does mean challenging some of their ‘fixed beliefs’ and ‘behaviours’. A fairly simple example is the one about personal hygiene. eg an ND teen who refuses to wash their body or shampoo their hair, and won’t wear anti-perspirant / deodorant of any kind…. It is not great. Do you think it is a good idea for an ND teen to think that they can completely disregard societal norms, and that everything will go swimmingly for them?

I think as parents you should be setting examples to your dc about how sometimes you don’t want to do things, or you feel awkward about doing things, but that you understand that it is sometimes good to conform (eg attend a funeral, even though you don’t see the point), as it will smooth relations with family members, and will give family members comfort. In the same way that engaging with hygiene and personal care will allow a young person the best opportunity to make friends, and take advantage of opportunities (while avoiding being ostracised by peers).

I presume she means the family cars which are limousines.

as a family we have agreed to just drive to funerals when they happen!

I wonder if your MIL or SIL will ever be able to forgive you or your husband for this. I would find it incredibly difficult to forgive. I understand you say you have this belief system, so implement for yourselves when you die. But to remove yourselves from funerals is to remove yourselves from the widest held societal belief in a sign of support for the grieving. You have ostracised yourselves with this choice and I doubt anyone truly really understands, but they are giving your bereaved DH grace by pretending they do. I hope in time you reflect on how hurtful this has been for those you refused to stand by on the hardest day of their lives. You lack of appearance will have detracted from the day being about your FIL’s life. It’s a mind boggling selfish decision. This is coming from a fellow ND btw & I don’t think it’s any excuse to act this way. If your MIL dies and your DH leaves your SIL to go through that alone, I expect he will lose that sibling relationship for good.

This is either another example of Mumsnet's AI posts or OP you are displaying a high level of avoidance

I have been reading responses but I’ve had a very busy day as well I am not AI!

It’s not just you but OP did say much earlier on in the thread that MIL was ok with it but everyone just wanted to stick the boot in it seems.

Clearly the OP has a hide like a rhino plus when mixed with her ND it sounds like she either wouldn't have noticed or took any notice of what MIL thought or wanted.

Yes the OP is very steadfast in her beliefs but it had been discussed with the MIL and FIL before he passed and they were ok with it. They’re the most important ones in this and the DH is continuing to support MIL. Yes it’s an ‘interesting’ belief but it doesn’t make a difference to the wider family whether they were there or not.

Yes, I saw that post at the time which is why I referred to it in the post you quoted . My whole approach to OP changed when I read that FIL and MIL had understood their reasoning and appeared to be very accepting of it.

I still wouldn't not attend the funeral, but I do see that their approach is about wanting the memories of FIL not to be interrupted by the funeral drawing a line between his life and death. As a parent I think I'd be able to see that as them wanting to remember me in the best possible way.

I just hope that two neuro-divergent people were able to read the PIL's feelings accurately.

No the OP's interpretation is that mil and fil were ok with it. That's an entirely different thing

That’s what we do. We’ve never had a family car, we’ve always just made our own way there.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

It’s easy or turn up to a funeral and then go back home, leaving you to do all the actual support.

Stop being so nice and tell them to go fuck themselves! And I’d say the same to those on here telling you what you ‘should’ do because it’s “right’. Advanced search some of the ones who have been most opinionated on telling you how awful you are and you’ll see that taking any sort of advice from them wouldn’t be a good thing. Lots of mumsnetters can’t seem to have any sort of good relationship with anyone, but no doubt they turn up to one off events, pretending they care, and then fuck off, not answering their doors or phones if anything more is needed. 🤪

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

It’s easy or turn up to a funeral and then go back home, leaving you to do all the actual support.

Stop being so nice and tell them to go fuck themselves! And I’d say the same to those on here telling you what you ‘should’ do because it’s “right’. Advanced search some of the ones who have been most opinionated on telling you how awful you are and you’ll see that taking any sort of advice from them wouldn’t be a good thing. Lots of mumsnetters can’t seem to have any sort of good relationship with anyone, but no doubt they turn up to one off events, pretending they care, and then fuck off, not answering their doors or phones if anything more is needed. 🤪

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

It’s easy or turn up to a funeral and then go back home, leaving you to do all the actual support.

Stop being so nice and tell them to go fuck themselves! And I’d say the same to those on here telling you what you ‘should’ do because it’s “right’. Advanced search some of the ones who have been most opinionated on telling you how awful you are and you’ll see that taking any sort of advice from them wouldn’t be a good thing. Lots of mumsnetters can’t seem to have any sort of good relationship with anyone, but no doubt they turn up to one off events, pretending they care, and then fuck off, not answering their doors or phones if anything more is needed. 🤪

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

It’s easy or turn up to a funeral and then go back home, leaving you to do all the actual support.

Stop being so nice and tell them to go fuck themselves! And I’d say the same to those on here telling you what you ‘should’ do because it’s “right’. Advanced search some of the ones who have been most opinionated on telling you how awful you are and you’ll see that taking any sort of advice from them wouldn’t be a good thing. Lots of mumsnetters can’t seem to have any sort of good relationship with anyone, but no doubt they turn up to one off events, pretending they care, and then fuck off, not answering their doors or phones if anything more is needed. 🤪

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

It’s easy or turn up to a funeral and then go back home, leaving you to do all the actual support.

Stop being so nice and tell them to go fuck themselves! And I’d say the same to those on here telling you what you ‘should’ do because it’s “right’. Advanced search some of the ones who have been most opinionated on telling you how awful you are and you’ll see that taking any sort of advice from them wouldn’t be a good thing. Lots of mumsnetters can’t seem to have any sort of good relationship with anyone, but no doubt they turn up to one off events, pretending they care, and then fuck off, not answering their doors or phones if anything more is needed. 🤪

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

It’s easy or turn up to a funeral and then go back home, leaving you to do all the actual support.

Stop being so nice and tell them to go fuck themselves! And I’d say the same to those on here telling you what you ‘should’ do because it’s “right’. Advanced search some of the ones who have been most opinionated on telling you how awful you are and you’ll see that taking any sort of advice from them wouldn’t be a good thing. Lots of mumsnetters can’t seem to have any sort of good relationship with anyone, but no doubt they turn up to one off events, pretending they care, and then fuck off, not answering their doors or phones if anything more is needed. 🤪

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

It’s easy or turn up to a funeral and then go back home, leaving you to do all the actual support.

Stop being so nice and tell them to go fuck themselves! And I’d say the same to those on here telling you what you ‘should’ do because it’s “right’. Advanced search some of the ones who have been most opinionated on telling you how awful you are and you’ll see that taking any sort of advice from them wouldn’t be a good thing. Lots of mumsnetters can’t seem to have any sort of good relationship with anyone, but no doubt they turn up to one off events, pretending they care, and then fuck off, not answering their doors or phones if anything more is needed. 🤪