We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

I agree with you OP. And my parents, PILs and grandparents were all in agreement with me about funerals, they all had direct cremations (and so will we).

Unfortunately the rest of your family don't agree. You can't make them, and they will judge. Nothing you can do about that, let them.

We were directly told by dh aunt and uncle about the food, how nice it was , how full
they were and how they took some for the journey as well. That was all they told us before criticising us so that’s where that comment and judgement came from

But there was a funeral here, so the fact that some people choose to have nothing or some alternative event to mark the passing isn't relevant.

I have my reasons why I don't go, which I'm not willing to share here, but they're real and genuine reasons to me, I don't care what others do.

You can go to something without believing the ethos behind it
lets face it how many of us go to church weddings and don’t have a religious bone in our body

dress it up how ever you want but I think you’ve been extremely selfish

I just think the whole thing sounds very dramatic, I would have gone to support MIL, but I don't like and just cannot be bothered with any fuss so wouldn't choose to do something I know would cause this. That's your choice of course, but it is rather odd that you are in any way surprised at the reactions of others.

So your belief system is that you don’t want to go to funerals? Own that and say that.

you can’t not believe in funerals, as they exist.

i can see why the family are annoyed.

I completely agree with you. As does the father of my children and a lot of people I know.

Could you tell us more please?

I can only say how much I appreciated everyone who came to my husband's funeral and supported me and my sons. I would certainly have been upset if one of my sons (adults,) hadn't come because of some weird 'belief system'.

They weren’t annoyed when the OP was doing all the caring….

Are you a Jehovah's witness? I know their beliefs about funerals are sort-of similar and my grandparents at the Kingdom Hall funeral was different to what we are used due to their belief about the living rather than the dead.

How long and how often have you exercised this belief system and whose funerals have you skipped? I can see it not being an issue for distant relatives and friends, but your husband’s father? Sometimes the right thing is to put beliefs aside for the sake of others - i.e. his widowed mother. Your comment to SIL about it being her turn was very unkind too.

What is it you don't agree with? What do you think should be done with bodies?

You’re making it all about you. As much as you did to help whilst FIL was alive, it sounds a very selfish ‘belief system’ to me if your support and engagement is only ever on your terms and has a cut off point.

As PP said, it’s unreasonable to expect everyone to just understand and accept a self-devised ‘belief system’ leading you to behave in a way that goes so clearly against the social norm. You had to have known it would attract comments and raised eyebrows at minimum, so why you seem surprised by that is strange. Worse though, it causes hurt amongst people your DH presumably still cares about, and specifically his mum. She would have had to face a difficult day without her son there (doesn’t matter if there were other people there, I imagine she’d have wanted her son). She’d have also had the added knowledge that others there, who don’t know about this ‘belief system’, would have been speculating about why this man’s son wasn’t at the funeral, had there been a row, were they estranged etc etc. That would have been additionally painful for her to know was happening too.

What you did for your FIL whilst he was still alive is admirable and I’m sure it meant a lot to him and MIL. But it becomes less meaningful if you can’t wait to use it as a stick to beat SIL with the minute she questions your non-attendance at the funeral. And now your noble belief system has just caused additional hurt and a family fall out when you could have just turned up for one extra day and held MIL’s hand. Might not have fit with your ‘belief system’ but would have been kinder and more decent honestly.

its not that I can’t articulate it , it’s that I choose not to as the funeral aspect is just one part and I don’t feel the need to go in depth with the whole belief system. I’ve explained that we view funerals as for the person who has passed and not the living and we choose not to go to them.

That’s bloody awful OP. It’s not about you.

I don’t think you did anything wrong. You supported while he was alive and are continuing to support your MIL. People’s opinions are just that opinions! Ignore them and crack on, their opinions of you don’t matter anyway! Funerals are a big fat waste of money, the dead don’t know and the living just use it as an excuse for free drink and food!

OP, nobody goes to a funeral for the tea and cake, and if your DAunt took a few curling sandwiches to eat on the journey home, surely better that than that they ended up in the bin. You go to a funeral as a mark of respect for the deceased person, and as a support to those left behind. A funeral is categorically not about you, and if I were a member of your family, I’d take a very dim view of your non-appearance, no matter how much help you had given while the deceased was still alive.

Bloody hell, yes funerals are for the living and you are alive and don’t want to go so you shouldn’t have to! I suspect if you were the only ones he could take mil then you may have approached it differently but that’s not the case.

People need to mind their own business. Grief is private and you deserve to do it how you want.

In some situations being able to bend your belief system a little can be a kindness to others.

I get the logic behind seeing/caring for people before they die but why does that translate to no funerals? Can't you do both? Surely the issue would be if you went to the funeral, scoffed all the food, but had ignored the person in their time of need, which you didn't do?

It’s difficult to see what the underlying problem is here that you want to solve, OP.

You finished by saying that you keep “struggling to explain.“ But you’re not “struggling“ to explain, what you are complaining about is it you repeatedly have to explain. It isn’t a struggle it’s just, as far as I can work it out, tedious for you that you have keep having to say this. The way I read it, your belief system seems to be a reason for you to dig in your toes about stuff that might not actually be directly relevant to this belief system of yours.

Also the things that you list don’t make sense. What has your belief system got to do with the fact that it was your sister who had to make all the funeral arrangements? Does your belief system prevent you helping out? Is it that you felt you had/have done enough? I could understand that but there’s no need to tie your belief system to all this.

There something here about an imbalance of who did / does what for whom, that continues, which you’re also complaining about. I suspect that’s what’s underlying everything.

In the scheme of everything that’s going on, your belief system seems only a very small part of your current disagreements. I can understand that you feel you’ve probably done quite enough that’s not been acknowledged, but why not just say that without dragging in “belief systems”.

You’re going to just have to roll your sleeves up and crack on with what needs to be done. Put your belief system on a shelf and come back to it later.

How can you not agree with a funeral? You’re awful.

It’s not about you. It’s about celebrating the person who has died. Saying your final goodbyes and paying respect to them. My guess is you were present while he was alive but in a way that made it all about you. Making sure everyone knows how amazing his DIL is for doing all the work. Then when MIL made it clear the funeral wouldn’t be about you, you decided not to go.

Obviously bodies have to be dealt with I fully understand that via cremation or burial. We just don’t see the need for anything around that and believe it should be done by professionals and not part of any event. We will just be having the cheapest possible disposal for ourselves with no funeral