We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

I’m going to assume you don’t care about your MIL as you certainly didn’t support her at her husband’s funeral.

I don’t think anyone particularly likes attending funerals. Most people go along to support the people closest to the deceased.

I didn't go to MIL's funeral years ago. Neither did other DILs.
I will probably never attend another funeral. My son's nearly broke me.

I actually agree about funerals in that I don’t like them (I know no one likes them, I mean I don’t like the concept), and do not see them as a time to say goodbye. That part specifically just makes no sense to me. I go partly to support others, and partly to avoid the complaints about me not going.

However, you talk about your wider belief system involving doing as much as poss we for anyone who you love who needs support. So does that not extend to attending a funeral to support MIL?

MIL is actually the only one who understands and hasn’t been negative in any way at all. The evening of the funeral when everyone had gone home Dh went and stayed for a few days so she wasn’t alone. She has not once judged but everyone else has

So basically you are the only one that matters and your wishes overrule everyone else's?
I suppose it is to be expected in these me, me, me times

I think you've got a mistaken notion of what funerals are 'about'.
They are for the living, a ritual and rite of passage, a marking of the transition in a family/community of people's life as they say goodbye to someone who has been important to them. The goodbyes are not for the deceased they are a recognition of loss.
I don't disagree with your emotional stance on funerals but others, who see it differently, will always take it as a slight because the slight is towards them, even though they will think it's towards the deceased and describe it thus.
So basically if you don't mind the judgements hold your ground, if the people matter to you give in gracefully and attend.

Attending the funeral would have been supporting your MIL and as you claim your belief system is to “do as much as we can for anyone we love” you should have attended if it was your MIL’s wishes.

I bet she spent a huge amount of time having to explain your absence and if there had been any fall out etc, which is not what a funeral should be about. It’s a celebration of a person’s life, in this case a man you profess to love.

I understand that you did a lot during his illness and that is very admirable as so many don’t and (like you say) just turn up for the funeral (or the will reading 🙄). But your MIL needed her son to be there on one of the most difficult days of her life and he let her down; does he not love her? Because that’s what it appears like according to your own belief system.

I think this is one of those situations where if you are choosing to work to a belief system that is outside of the cultural norm, you have to own it. You’re fully entitled to your views and to manage grief as you choose but it can’t be a shock to you that most people would find it odd. Accept that, don’t let it bother you and move on.

What belief system is this btw? Memeism?

What does the wider belief system entail?

Is this a reverse?
What illogical belief system. Surely you go to support DH grieving MIL and family?

We supported those people before FIL passed by being practical and emotional help on a daily basis.

You sound peculiar. You should be going to the funeral to show support, unity and good manners.

You do not have to believe in God or be remotely spiritual to do so.

I’m a non-believer, as is my immediate family. My dad was devoutly catholic. I went to his funeral and joined in with prayers. My sons and husband were pall bearers and did the readings and bidding prayers. It didn’t occur to us to do otherwise. This is what my dad would have wanted and our beliefs, or lack thereof, were not important.

I understand op. My dh and I have similar view as you. But we still feel that we will be there to support our loved ones through these things and that includes the funeral.

I think if that’s your view and the way you want it to be then you’ve just got to take it in the chin and expect a few comments etc.

People are going to judge you for not observing as strong a social norm as funeral attendance. You can't opt out of that one. It would be arrogant to imagine your esoteric belief system is going to outweigh the one of the society you live in, in the minds of people who don't adhere to it.

However, I can see why it would grate to hear SIL complain about having to organise the funeral solo when she'd not done her fair share of the caring in the preceding years. Would have come better from her brother than you though.

You can do both you know.

No, I'm not stopping other people holding funerals or going to them, I just don't go.

Funerals are for the living, it just sounds like you don't want to.experience people grieving and wrap it up.as some self important nonsense, people think it is odd that your husband didn't go to.his fathers funeral which it is, you have to accept that you behaving outside social norms of respectfullnesss going to be judged

OP hasn't said people cannot do both.

It's not an either /or thing though. You can do both

You know that you can do both, right? Care for them when they're alive AND go to their funeral? That's what most of us do.

Your husband was his son. He is his grieving mother's son. Why did he not care about supporting her, a living person?

Snarky comments about other people (presumably not so closely related) travelling down just for the food, are ridiculous. When my husband died I really appreciated those who travelled long distances to support us and remember him.

I think your perspective is quite odd which obviously you must understand. If you walked away completely and disengaged from the funeral arrangements (even with choosing not to go) I can see why this has been interpreted as disrespectful. I suspect SIL hasn’t actually said it’s unfair she had to step up, more that she didn’t have any support with the arrangements which is fair enough. What you did in the preceding years is nice and I’m sure very helpful but I don’t think many families would see that as ‘excusing’ disrespect around the funeral service which is I’m sure why you’re catching flack for this.

Going to the funeral would’ve been for MIL’s sake so while I probably wouldn’t have said anything to you if I was one of the family, I wouldn’t have looked too favourably on the decision.

You’re being too rigid about this and see the trouble it’s caused.

I am one who does not need or want a funeral for myself. Just scatter my ashes to the wind and that’s fine.

But, as pp have said, it’s about your MIL in this case, and it’s somewhat performative on your part to avoid it. Was your DH fully with you on this, or are you the driver for this belief?

That said, as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror with no regrets over it, ignore those who forget your previous care and kindness.

You keep stressing how much you did for Fil when he was alive, I mean that’s great and very commendable, but it doesn’t have to be either way/or does it? People can care for someone when they are alive and also care for family when that person dies. Part of caring for the family is being present at the funeral. It isn’t just about the ceremony, it’s about the get together and remembering that person including sharing of memories and stories. My brother’s funeral was enormously important in helping me in a time of huge grief and shock.