We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

I am not religious but will attend a wedding or funeral in a church as it is supporting the people involved.
Could you not see attending funerals organised by others as showing respect for their values?
I understand you not arranging a funeral when your loved ones pass but to refuse to attend others seems disrespectful.

No they don't but not understanding the reasoning behind why it's important to the majority should prompt a question as to why it is rather than a 'oh they don't apply to me. I'm ND so can do what I want'. Especially when we're talking about fully functioning adults with jobs and raising children rather than those with coexisting diagnoses like cognitive and learning disabilities.

I couldn’t imagine not attending my parent’s funeral. Something I had the misfortune to experience recently. It was so important to celebrate my Dad’s life and send him on his way. It would have been hugely cruel and disrespectful to not do that so I can see why people have reacted as they have. However, it’s your choice to live with.

Apologies… well next time, do the right thing and show some respect OP

Ever read " The Stranger" by Albert Camus? Mersault, the main character receives the full wrath of his community because of how he behaves at his mother's death (he also killed an Arab but that is overlooked until he disrespects his mother). The book has numerous themes but one is the attitudes to people who don't conform to society's norms. It doesn't go well for the protagonist. It's a universal theme and a warning of what can happen.

There is no right or wrong.

And don't tell people it doesn't align with your own "belief system".

That at least is coherent. Not going to funerals doesn’t make any more sense now you’ve explained the rest of this “belief system”.

Our caterers for my dad's funeral/wake earlier this year boxed up any leftovers and gave us them to take home .It's not "inappropriate" at all - how weird. It's just avoiding waste.As others have said, it's a bit different to someone stuffing sarnies in their handbag when they haven't been offered, but it's quite a standard thing to do.

How on earth can you not agree with funerals? That’s weird.

I’m not sure I entirely agree, @SoMuchMore. If what you do - or in this case, don’t do - causes genuine pain and upset to someone already going through a very sad time (bereavement), I think that is doing the wrong thing.

When I go to funerals, other than close family, I go to support the family of the person who has died. When I went to my MIL’s funeral, I was there to support my dh and our dses, my BIL, and my MIL’s sister, as well as being supported by other people there, and celebrating her life with everyone who loved her.

When my dad, and later my mum died, dh was at the funerals to support me and the dses. My sister and her dh, who lived close to my mum had done most of the caring she had needed - I lived hundreds of miles away, so couldn’t - but I would have been incredibly hurt if they had decided they didn’t need or want to come to the funeral.

the funeral are for the living,
you could have shown solidarity with the inlaws in grief

You’re allowed to disagree. People are different. It’s much easier when people realise that. You don’t have to respect others decisions but you do have to accept them because they are free to make them, as we all are.

I dont agree with the concept either and do not attend funerals either.

This is the bit I find strange. You can dislike them or not want to attend them but to say you disagree with them as a concept… what does that even mean?

Slightly patronising. Obviously people are free to do as they want but it’s not always a case of there is no right or wrong decision. A lot of people will think that not going to your father’s funeral because of your belief system is the wrong decision if it causes further hurt to someone else who is suffering.

This is such a bad take.

Agree. Maybe op and her dh were hoping to share them afterwards despite not attending the wake. Even if they disagreed with the funeral they could have attended the wake. Or they could have got involved in the organisation of the day to discuss compromises in line with their beliefs or accept the feelings behind the choices made . Presumably it was something previously discussed and in line with how pils had raised their family. It feels as if their belief system is rather one sided and they opted out.

I'm sorry to hear of your recent loss, it sounds a though you & your husband did a great deal for your FIL before he passed away. I imagine you're feeling quite physically and emotionally drained.

I am of the belief that it is a person's individual choice whether they attend a funeral or not, regardless of their relationship with the deceased or the opinion of others regarding their decision. I appreciate that people may think you need to be there to support your MiL but it sounds as though she will have other close family members there.
I am firmly feel that not everyone needs to attend a funeral in order to "say goodbye" etc, and whilst for many it's the expectation/tradition, it's certainly not something I feel necessary. Thankfully both my parents have decided on unattended cremations for when their time comes.
OP, you and your husband do what you need to do. Everyone grieves and processes the loss of a loved one in different ways. Neither of you need to put yourself through unnecessary emotional hardship just to meet the expectations of others.

There is no right or wrong here though, it’s just opinion, as we can see from different responses.

Some people would think it’s wrong to judge someone for not going to the funeral, when they have provided a lot of support before and after and others think it’s right that OP is judged. Again, it’s just opinion.

Honestly, if my adult child purposely chose not to come to her father’s funeral if he died, I would be so angry with her!
Your DH put his very unusual beliefs about saying farewell to people when they have died before the feelings of his mother, who would likely have really wanted him there to support her. If she indicated that it didn’t matter that he didn’t attend, I can guarantee she would have been lying.

Out of interest, when you got married did you have any guests or did you just elope?

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Please can I ask what religion / culture / heritage that is from (women not attending funerals)? I am just interested. Thank you.