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Original poster

We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

1000 replies

Bluehummingbird · 08/11/2025 08:26

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

OP posts:
NikkiPotnick · 08/11/2025 08:42

Marmalade71 · 08/11/2025 08:38

I think this is one of those situations where if you are choosing to work to a belief system that is outside of the cultural norm, you have to own it. You’re fully entitled to your views and to manage grief as you choose but it can’t be a shock to you that most people would find it odd. Accept that, don’t let it bother you and move on.

That's a good way to put it. Best to be clear with yourself that you are selecting from a list of choices, and those choices do not include being able to do whatever you want without anyone else having an opinion on it that you don't like.

ParkMaiden · 08/11/2025 08:42

Bluehummingbird · 08/11/2025 08:37

MIL is actually the only one who understands and hasn’t been negative in any way at all. The evening of the funeral when everyone had gone home Dh went and stayed for a few days so she wasn’t alone. She has not once judged but everyone else has

Edited

That’s because she knows what you did for them both while FIL was alive. Yanbu in the slightest. People can’t stand when anyone does things ‘against social norms.’ (As if our society is so balanced and perfect. )

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 08:42

Bluehummingbird · 08/11/2025 08:34

I think this is what the issue is we see it as about the person who has passed and they are no longer there . This is why we spend as much time with those we love individually and help when they are alive. Yet we are judged by people who didnt see him in years as couldnt be bothered but managed to travel for hours to get dressed up and have some sandwiches and cake after ?

Edited
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It isnt about the person who has passed away. They are dead! It is about supporting the living, like your husband's mother. You've missed that chance now.

Be honest. This funeral thing is mainly your idea, isn't it?

Original poster
Bluehummingbird · 08/11/2025 08:43

IHateWasps · 08/11/2025 08:40

You can do both you know.

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We still are for MIL

OP posts:
IHateWasps · 08/11/2025 08:43

GehenSieweiter · 08/11/2025 08:41

OP hasn't said people cannot do both.

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You being specifically OP. She keeps going about what she’s done, which is great, but that doesn’t prevent her from going to a funeral to support family. Funerals aren’t catching you know.

sittingonabeach · 08/11/2025 08:44

If FIL had asked DH to be there for MIL at the funeral would he have gone? @Bluehummingbird

IHateWasps · 08/11/2025 08:44

Could you tell us more about your wider belief system? What else does it apply to besides funerals?

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 08/11/2025 08:44

I think you made a selfish decision. Your MIL needed her son more than you both needed to stick to ‘your belief system’.
You caused your family additional grief and fuss at a time when they were very vulnerable.
It wasn’t about you…… whilst it may not have been the intention, you made it about you.

FoxLoxInSox · 08/11/2025 08:45

Describing yours and DH’s feelings about a particular issue as “a belief system” is hyperbolic and disingenuous, and a way of trying to excuse a particular view that
you know is unpalatable to the vast majority of people. A belief system is a whole raft of beliefs and practices - such as a faith or creed or political persuasion.

saraclara · 08/11/2025 08:45

I bet she spent a huge amount of time having to explain your absence

Yes. That's absolutely not what she will have needed on such a difficult occasion. You put a huge extra burden on her, on the most difficult of days @Bluehummingbird .

Original poster
Bluehummingbird · 08/11/2025 08:46

NikkiPotnick · 08/11/2025 08:42

That's a good way to put it. Best to be clear with yourself that you are selecting from a list of choices, and those choices do not include being able to do whatever you want without anyone else having an opinion on it that you don't like.

Show quote history

Yes you’re right we need to let it not bother us it’s just hard as we’ve had so many comments. It’s interesting as we only see funerals as for the person who passed yet a lot of responses saying they are for the living so I’ll try to be more understanding when people say things to us as they are obviously grieving but just work to a different set of social rules to us and think the opposite about who funerals are for.

OP posts:
LonelyFans · 08/11/2025 08:46

If you are struggling to explain your position and constantly facing criticism do you not think it's time to reflect on your irrational "belief system"?

Throwntothewolves · 08/11/2025 08:46

You've exposed the flaw in your 'belief system'; you won't do '...as much as you can for anyone who needs support'.
It's ok not to go to a funeral if you don't want to, but don't pretend it's because of your 'beliefs'. I think on this occasion you've been selfish. Funerals are a time to be selfless and offer support to those who need it.

Glitchymn1 · 08/11/2025 08:46

Bluehummingbird · 08/11/2025 08:34

I think this is what the issue is we see it as about the person who has passed and they are no longer there . This is why we spend as much time with those we love individually and help when they are alive. Yet we are judged by people who didnt see him in years as couldnt be bothered but managed to travel for hours to get dressed up and have some sandwiches and cake after ?

Edited
Show quote history

I 100% agree with you. I don’t believe in funerals either. I don’t want to go and stand there crying for all to see, a performative public show of grief. I’ve told family I will not go to any more funerals.

Like you I’m there whilst they’re alive, keeping them alive! Taking them to hospital, pooping in to see them, organising life admin, lifts, shopping.

How cheeky of your relatives to have an opinion on this when they weren’t bothered to see them when they were alive.

I’ll be having direct cremation, no service.

JeminaTheGiantBear · 08/11/2025 08:47

TemporarilyCantDoMyself · 08/11/2025 08:37

I think you've got a mistaken notion of what funerals are 'about'.
They are for the living, a ritual and rite of passage, a marking of the transition in a family/community of people's life as they say goodbye to someone who has been important to them. The goodbyes are not for the deceased they are a recognition of loss.
I don't disagree with your emotional stance on funerals but others, who see it differently, will always take it as a slight because the slight is towards them, even though they will think it's towards the deceased and describe it thus.
So basically if you don't mind the judgements hold your ground, if the people matter to you give in gracefully and attend.

This is such a moving and helpful description of what a funeral is ‘about’.

I find it difficult to understand how anyone who spends even a couple of minutes thinking about this description could refuse to go to a funeral- ie refuse to support family members in the transition described.

OP I think you need to consider that your belief system - which focuses on support for the living who need it- actually requires you to go to funerals of family members of loved ones. To support them in their transition to a new life without their lost dear one. I think you got this wrong.

Oftenaddled · 08/11/2025 08:47

Plenty of people care for the living and attend funerals to support and connect with other mourners. It's not an either / or situation.

If you are expressing your choice the way you did here, i.e. you don't go to funerals because you choose to support people while they are alive, people will be confused and will possibly find your explanation judgemental - as if everyone going to the funeral didn't care about the deceased.

Talking about mourners stuffing their faces and it being their turn to step up doesn't come across as caring, so people may struggle to understand the image you are presenting as someone who prioritizes care for the living.

But - you may be worn out or even a bit burned out from intense caring duties and you may find it hard to cope with a funeral and that's okay. It's good that you managed to take such care of your father-in-law.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 08/11/2025 08:47

saraclara · 08/11/2025 08:45

I bet she spent a huge amount of time having to explain your absence

Yes. That's absolutely not what she will have needed on such a difficult occasion. You put a huge extra burden on her, on the most difficult of days @Bluehummingbird .

This over and over again.

NikkiPotnick · 08/11/2025 08:47

saraclara · 08/11/2025 08:45

I bet she spent a huge amount of time having to explain your absence

Yes. That's absolutely not what she will have needed on such a difficult occasion. You put a huge extra burden on her, on the most difficult of days @Bluehummingbird .

True, realistically lots of people will have asked. Some of them will have been unable to contain their surprise and disapproval, and the bereaved relatives in attendance will have had to manage that.

Original poster
Bluehummingbird · 08/11/2025 08:47

FoxLoxInSox · 08/11/2025 08:45

Describing yours and DH’s feelings about a particular issue as “a belief system” is hyperbolic and disingenuous, and a way of trying to excuse a particular view that
you know is unpalatable to the vast majority of people. A belief system is a whole raft of beliefs and practices - such as a faith or creed or political persuasion.

Edited

Yes i understand that we have multiple beliefs about a lot of things it’s not just about funerals .

OP posts:
NearlyDec · 08/11/2025 08:47

Who is “we”. I agree that funerals are for the living not the dead. It was obviously very important for MIL to have her loved ones around her while she said good bye to her husband. Where I can I brief attend funerals of friends’ parents, most of which I’ve only meet briefly but it’s about my friends.

GehenSieweiter · 08/11/2025 08:47

IHateWasps · 08/11/2025 08:43

You being specifically OP. She keeps going about what she’s done, which is great, but that doesn’t prevent her from going to a funeral to support family. Funerals aren’t catching you know.

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She's made the choice not to attend funerals, as have I, it's not up to you how others live.

LonelyFans · 08/11/2025 08:47

Bluehummingbird · 08/11/2025 08:46

Yes you’re right we need to let it not bother us it’s just hard as we’ve had so many comments. It’s interesting as we only see funerals as for the person who passed yet a lot of responses saying they are for the living so I’ll try to be more understanding when people say things to us as they are obviously grieving but just work to a different set of social rules to us and think the opposite about who funerals are for.

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But what harm could it possibly do you to go? That's what I don't understand. You are causing pain and confusion to others, for no real reason other than some "belief system" that you can't even articulate

Goldengirl123 · 08/11/2025 08:48

I find it very strange and disrespectful that you didn’t go. What on earth do you mean by saying that you don’t believe in funerals? The day wasn’t about you!

Iloveeverycat · 08/11/2025 08:48

Coffeeishot · 08/11/2025 08:40

Funerals are for the living, it just sounds like you don't want to.experience people grieving and wrap it up.as some self important nonsense, people think it is odd that your husband didn't go to.his fathers funeral which it is, you have to accept that you behaving outside social norms of respectfullnesss going to be judged

Lots of people now have direct cremations there is no attended funeral. My DF didn't have a funeral we had a large get together meal to celebrate his life at a later date same with my DM. If someone doesn't want attend a funeral that is up to them and I wouldn't judge them at all.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/11/2025 08:48

Bluehummingbird · 08/11/2025 08:32

I feel they were happy enough to go along with our beliefs when we were doing everything and they didn’t have to it feels as if as soon as something inconveniences them then they have a negative opinion on us

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For most people supporting their elderly parents isn't about a elbelief system they've created for themselves. You aren't doing anything unusual by looking after your family. Sue plenty of don't but you make it sound like it's a novel concept you've invented.

As for the funeral, I'd say as long as MIL understands and had support then your husband and you can grieve and pay respects anyway you want. It isn't about other people.

Just make sure you're faculty are fully aware what you want, perhaps even pre pay and organise your own dispersal otherwise you will end up with a funeral and wake. It's just so engrained that that's what you should so for most people

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