We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

I agree with you
direct cremations are the way forward in my opinion, and as a person who has experienced both, direct cremation was much easier as a family for the cycle of grief

My dad died recently, i dont like going to funerals, who does really?
We as a family, supported each other and my mum needed her kids that day.
I think you've been very heartless and for your husband not to attend his own father's funeral is beyond words.

The fact you can't properly articulate this should surely show how ridiculous your logic is? Funerals are for the living to remember those who have died. You can't say in one sentence that you would rather support people when they are alive and then say you won't attend a funeral to support people in grieving like your husbands own sister.

The funeral isn’t about the person who died. It’s not about helping relatives before the death. It’s about helping those left behind after the death. Because that’s when people need emotional help

It’s something that exists in one form or another across so many cultures way back to prehistory. So quite fundamental to humanity

so if I was MIL I would feel that you cared about FIL but not her. And I could imagine others commenting on that , wanting to support her through a double loss of fil and you

its culturally abnormal , it’s placing your beliefs over that of others at one of the most difficult times

it is acceptable to say no to the funeral and just attend the wake - although that would be for grief management not theoretical belief systems

the feeling I got of support seeing the church full to standing room only at my dads funeral , to have an old friend take time off work and appear , is something I can never forget and did start the process of healing - he was gone yes but he mattered and for all his quirks and human nature he was loved by more than just me . The crying together helped. Symbolism acknowledged the scale of the event that had just happened

I'll be honest, the fact that you're this old and have missed this totally says to me that there are likely many social cues that you're missing. Things where you just don't bother because you think it isn't important.

You have a right to your belief system and as a non-Christian I see where you are coming from. I do not belong to any religion and do not see te need to in order to acknowledge a higher form of life which created the universe.

I have always thought of funerals as a vulgar show for the world and which have nothing to do with feelings for the deceased person. Funerals are really to comfort those who are left behind. In a way they simply sanctify the pecking order. I recently lost a good friend. His NOK arranged one of those Pure Cremation funerals with no guests. There was a proper service and he emailed us all a video of the service.

It seems to me that your efforts to help the deceased person in practical ways were considerable and have gone unrewarded. In your position I would go low/no contact with the family members who are abusing you. If they really had respect for you they would acknowledge your beliefs even if they didnt agree with them.

You have every right to live however you want and I get your reasoning. But if you choose to do something that's is against the norms and values of almost everyone then you have to except people will be upset and angry with you I'm afraid

I’m intrigued by what your other beliefs are

N’ah I’m with you OP.

I attended my parents funerals as I was much younger then, but I have decided that I don’t want a funeral service when I die.

I live in Ireland where everyone loves a good funeral.

Unfortunately, funerals bring out the hypocrites. As you say, all those people who can’t be arsed to do anything helpful when the person was alive, but now they make it a show all about how they’re sad and grieving and how they really cared about the dead person…but not enough to visit them.

I usually attend the Removal but not the actual funeral.

I think the point is that the deceased's son not attending is such a violation of social norms that it is made the business of the family members who are expected to explain it.

I am not having a funeral well i hope not the family might have 1, I just think it is a decent thing to do is to go to a close family members funeral to show support and unity as a grieving family.

It strikes me that if OP and her husband can criticise an (presumably elderly) uncle and aunt for taking left over funeral snacks to eat on their way home (after saying goodbye to a brother), their ‘belief system’ does not in fact revolve around support for the living at all. It seems positively mean spirited & critical, in fact.

We do also feel uncomfortable with the final goodbye aspect to that people often state. We believe you say your final goodbye when someone is alive whether you know it’s the final goodbye or not which is why part of what we believe is that we must spend as much time with those we love and when we say goodbye we mean it even if the person is young and healthy as you never know. We always make sure at family times we are fully present in the moment so we have those memories and that time. When someone has passed we also don’t refer to them in the past tense we feel they aren’t gone we don’t draw a line under that in the way others do and so going to a funeral would go against that as well for us

I can see why you are getting some pushback on this one. Funerals are for the living not the dead.

when you die it will be down to your family to decide what they want and you may end up having a funeral. That’s ok though you are dead so you will never know.

These are the ways people cope and comfort themselves at difficult moments.

The less you all stand in judgement on each other at a time like this, the better. So I would advise you to stop presenting caring for the living vs going to the funeral as an either / or situation. That has potential to cause a lot of hurt and simply isn't true. Most carers go to funerals.

But I would also advise your relatives to recognize that your absence from the funeral wasn't a lack of care or respect for your father in law. I hope they will come to accept that.

Direct cremation maybe but I still suspect that it would be healthy to have some kind of wake

mental health and loneliness won’t improve if we don’t respect that we are social creatures who do better when we support each other - and that does include those we don’t see as friends , those we don’t get along with

Fwiw I realise this is a contradiction.

That may be, but they’re also for the families of the deceased. There might be some people there who don’t show up, but what I remember from my nan’s funeral is all of her carers, every single one, got the morning off work to attend. They each spoke to all of us, told us stories of how she spoke about us and how she adored us. It was such a lovely moment. Imagine thinking something like that isn’t worth attending because you don’t like some of the people there.

The comment over the food did make you sound like an arsehole OP, tbh. I would leave that out of any future discussions on the subject.

Most people find funerals very useful in their grieving process, reminiscing about their late relatives or friends allows people to both express sadness for their loss and the joy or knowing them. It’s the coming together in whatever format that takes that helps. If you dislike churches, many take place in secular venues now and you can have any elements you want. I can completely understand why your relatives will be perplexed to your stance and annoyed, you could have done it for them, funerals are for the living

Next time I’m invited to a wedding I’m going to refuse to attend because of some bizarre and rare belief system that only seems to consist entirely of not attending weddings and which I’ll refuse to explain in more depth.(Probably because there is no more substance to it)

It isn’t just that I hate weddings and parties. Loud music, long tedious days and staying out late. It’s obviously due to my carefully considered and not at all selfish beliefs and nothing to do with a desire to appear special and interesting and that I really can’t be arsed to go.

(I really do hate weddings but I will attend for close friends and family if feasible because again, it’s important to them and they’re important to me.)

Are you part of a religion or movement that holds these beliefs?

I would be so hurt if my DS didn't support me at my DH funeral.

Well done for supporting him whilst alive but what about supporting his DM at the funeral?

I am def a fan of cremation but I disagree with your stance-it isn't just about you.

What did you do instead of going to the funeral? Play golf?

Edited to add that by not going it was a glaring omission and you somehow made it all about you as the talking point-think about that!

You’re entitled to that opinion of course and I didn’t say we don’t judge people we do as that’s an entirely normal thing for people to do. They judge us for not going that’s their right and we judged them for saying repeatedly they couldn’t travel to see FIL even when he asked , on one occasion we said we would take him to them but it coincided with their holiday yet they managed to travel when he was gone so yes we do judge we aren’t perfect and we do criticise others

What is this belief system that you devised? Is it just simply that you don’t go to funerals?! I don’t understand it. Funerals of a loved one isn’t about you! Also you don’t get to play trumps with how much you have helped out a sick loved one and then justify yourself for not going to the funeral. You are being strange.

My husband's funeral was packed. The people who actually stuck around in the months afterwards to offer any practical support, I can count on 1 hand. I agree funerals are performative. I also think the social conditioning of not attending them is difficult to break away from.